Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
Burnout.
A friend reminded me today that I hadn’t taken any vacation time in almost a year – which I didn’t believe until I looked up my leave transactions report at work – and that proves it. Not only have I not taken any vacation since the beginning of September 2005, but I have been steadily adding to my leave-balances through acrruing overtime compensation. I have over seven weeks of leave that I could be using right now it turns out. Huh. No wonder I’m so burnt out. No wonder I feel like crying when I look at my fall schedule.
It’s true, I’ve been away from the office a lot in the last year on union biz, which is just another form of work – but it makes me feel guilty taking vacation time as well. Now I feel like I don’t have a choice – that I need to take some time off in the next couple of months or I’m going to continue to unravel. It’s not even as though work is overly stressful at the moment – but it seems never-ending. So many little things, so stupidly unmanageable.
So this fall, I’ve got to make some plans quick before my whole calendar gets buried in other commitments. Problem is, everything seems like too much work at the moment – ah, the catch-22 of burnout – needing to take the time off but not being able to find the energy to do it.
Altered Oceans.
I distributed the link to the LA Times series “Altered Oceans” at work today – which has turned into a frightful discussion topic about climate change and where things are heading. For an in-depth analysis of our oceans and the impact of global warming – definitely check it out – just expect nightmares afterwards.
Everything Changeable.
It all just feels so up in the air right now – work, living arrangements, relationship, the future of the planet – like anything could happen and it probably won’t go smoothly once it starts happening. The mechanics of what could or should or might be lurch into action, as I seek a way out of everything I have built. And yet, my life is the same day-in, day-out as always – waiting for Darren to call, grinding down statistics for my project plan at work, sporadically launching into self-hating internal chatter. Bleah – is it too much or too little? Clearly the monkey is at work in my mind these past few days and I can’t seem to get any rest from it. It’s got me down, despite the fact I had a good weekend.
(And I did have a good weekend – lovely wedding of cora and ron, playing music, having a bit of a rest…. what the hell is wrong with me?)
The third option.
Ah yes, there was a third option on moving/finding work. I just emailed my boss to see if I could arrange to “telecommute” from one of our other facilities in Victoria three or four days a week. Best of both worlds – I get to move, and keep my job. We’ll keep our fingers crossed on that one shall we?
All or nothing.
Perhaps this is just my rollercoaster, but I will never understand how one random day can feel like the end of the world, while the very next doesn’t seem so bad. Converging horomones, sugar levels, bouts of insomnia and a dose of everpresent self-doubt – and I want to give it all up, quit everyone I know and disappear. Dramatic eh? It’s an all or nothing precipice I face – no way out but to jump.
Silly, then, I feel silly when I come down the next day from my ledge, realizing that really it’s not so bad after all – and a couple days of sleeping in are probably the cure-all I need right now.
This doesn’t mean that what I posted yesterday is not true. I am looking for work in Victoria and have been for a month or so – I am considering coming back to the city in the interim and renting out my house – but I don’t feel nearly so desparate about any of it today. Phew! That 48-hours is over!
In better news, Darren is being transferred today and hopefully we’ll be able to talk again soon – and I finished a draft report on my trip to Colombia for my union which I will post here once I finalize it. I’m quite happy with it, but it needs some final editing. I would like to write a shorter article on the links between privatization and the paramilitary organizations for one of the local weeklies or online publications – but haven’t got started on that yet.
So glad the dark days have passed again.
Red Cedar 