Red Cedar

Thank-goddess for the Monday-work-at-home arrangement. After a weekend of visitors, it’s great to be able to catch up on laundry and groceries in between project planning documents and union follow-ups. I’m a bit worn out at the moment, but feeling like besides seeing really great people for the last few days, the Resist! Collective actually had a really productive meeting yesterday and I’ve got a couple new things to work on (including a Computer Security for Activists workshop in October).

If I could just get over the nagging sadness about Greg, then I would be doing great right now, but it’s still on my mind and kindof tainting things a little. *sigh* At least I can tell it’s easing up and i just need a little more time with it.

I’ve been trying to focus on other things though – and spent the last few days also working on a new blog design for a friend which is almost done (I will link it here when we launch the site) – which has inspired me to look at my blog design again and do something a bit fancier. The design for my friend is probably the nicest site design I have done to date and I am pretty damned happy about it. I also ordered myself a 160 gig external hard drive today which has become essential as my hard drive has dwindled down to less than 1 gig of free space and I’ve had to move all sorts of stuff onto cd in the past few months.

Beyond that, I’m in flux-state and trying to orient myself to big-upheaval time. I feel like I’ve got about two weeks until I have to put my nose to it and start the whole decision-making, looking, moving process and I’m trying to get as much rest as possible right now in order to improve my overall resiliency. I think a lot about Victoria, trying to manifest a move there in my head as much as possible – I’m feeling I might be able to make this happen if I just keep at what I’m doing and working all the angles. My problem is a lack of patience. I *hate* waiting for anything once I’ve made up my mind what I want to do. I’m meditating a lot on this right now – Lessons! I’m so tired of all these lessons! When can I be done is really the question……

On a sad and odd note: One of my second-cousins in Oregon was shot on the weekend at point-blank range with a 12-gauge shotgun (the shooter is her age – 21 – and they have known each other since childhood). She is the youngest grandchild of my Aunt Jo. Last year in October my Aunt’s oldest grandchild (my cousin Sarah) hung herself. It’s pretty touch and go at the moment I guess – and I’m just kindof stunned at how much tragedy can befall one family.

I elected to only work two days this week – which I have to say, feels just about right…. It’s my Friday already and I’m not too tired or anything! Weekend of visitors starts tonight with Bear, and then Will and then the Resist! collective all coming through to camp on my floor. I was hoping I’d have a chance to have a little party before moving house again – and it looks like this is the time for it.

I’ve been feeling really good the past few days – things just seem to be flowing better again. Although I still don’t know where I am moving to, I think I might have another angle on taking my current position over to Victoria since the Director of Information Management here doesn’t want me to leave the Department and is not advocating for finding me space at one of our facilities there. (I asked him for a job reference yesterday because I am applying for a position at UVIC and he responded with the offer to help me out in this other way – lucky me to be so well liked).

I think if I can make an arrangement to co-locate with the Information Management group then it is a lot more likely that my Director will support the move – but I don’t want to get my hopes up too much just yet.

Anyhow – day of meetings just ended – i’m going to get out of here!

(PS – if you’ve been coming here lately and finding a totally different design, please just ignore it – i’m test driving a blog skin that i’m designing for a friend).

Have I mentioned recently how fucking brilliant the Kronos Quartet is? No, really – if you don’t listen to them in all their glorious weirdness – you really should. I’m listening to Howl USA which was released in 2005 and is an incredible mix of old spoken word and new music. Incredible and paranoia-inducing (specially the J. Edgar Hoover piece)…. and the Cold War Suite is beautiful in historical lessons.

I mostly wanted to post to let everyone know that hey! I’m okay… and have had a few days of visitors and hometime which has been really great. I’m working tomorrow and Thursday but that’s it this week – which makes for at least a bit of the break I’ve been needing. I found a job posting online today at the University of Victoria which I am super-qualified for and wrote a cover letter to go with the resume I have to reformat tomorrow. Although I would prefer to stay with the federal government for some reasons – there is a part of me right now ready to throw all the cards up to the air at once to see what happens – so we’ll just see if I get an interview before worrying about having to make a choice.

I’m in an interesting space right now, feeling simultaneously confused and confident. What next? We’ll see.

I’m feeling better today than I have in ages – not entirely on the other side of things – but definitely more balanced than I have been. My friend Will has agreed to take my place for November 1st and will be sharing the space with me from September until I move out which means I’ve got to get focused now on reorganizing the downstairs part of my house and turning my enclosed carport into a storage locker of sorts. I still have no idea what city I am moving to, but I don’t really care at this point as packing up my house has to start happening by the end of this month in any event. Having a friend move in and take over my place as I transition out makes things *way* easier even though I’ve got to get some stuff done a little quicker than I would otherwise.

Beyond that – I’ve got friends coming this weekend and next, and am staying in town tonight to go the Prisoners’ Justice Day event at Trout Lake and then out for dinner with a union friend all of which I’m looking forward to.

I’ve really appreciated all the feedback and calls over the last few days from people – I’m feeling a lot better about the decisions that I’m making cause I’ve been so overwhelmingly supported. There is a woman I work with who is going through a similar thing (she lives in Squamish and her commute is killing her and she wants to try working out of Nanaimo etc. etc.) – somehow hearing that today made me feel less like a flake and more like other people… As in, fuck, none of us are perfect! I’m definitely not as antsy or overwhelmed today – but I also can feel in the back of my ribcage that I am easily triggered at the moment so I’m trying to be careful about what I think about.

I’m glad I decided to take extra time off and cancel all travel plans this month. I really do need the rest.