Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
Big sadness.
Oh! It’s over with Greg and I am feeling quite heartbroken. I know it will be okay, but there are at least a few days of big sadness between now and then.
Damn, somehow it never works out.
What. How?
Things are feeling very hard right now for me – harder than they have in a long time. But I’ve made some decisions that I think are important.
The first is that I’m not going to take herbs or anything else to stave off the depression this time – I think now I have a bit of space to explore it and work through it rather than dampening it or trying to make it go away. I’m also not in the absolute depths which makes it easier to imagine dealing with it.
The second is to prioritize moving and creating community in the mid to long-range future. Despite the fact my relationship may or may not be happening – I have decided that Victoria is very much where I want to go, and focus on rebuilding core community there with some of the people who I have known the longest in my life. If I have to find another job to do this – then I will, but I would rather stay with the work I’m doing at the moment.
The third is related to the second – decluttering my life in such a way that I can move more easily, and possibly take up a much smaller place if need be. I want to simplify, and get rid of as much of the past as possible in the process – it’s a tremendous urge at the moment in fact – to put old things aside and give up the desire to control the future through them.
I’m really very scared by all of these things in fact – and I hate the fact I feel so alone in making these decisions – but I know something has felt off-kilter for a long time and I’m starting to get clearer on what that is. Now that I’ve figured out what, I need to get through how – I’m sure at that point it will feel a lot better.
Unlucky in love.
I’ve been thinking about my cousin Sarah over the past couple of days – my cousin of the same age who hung herself last October in the workshed behind her house. She hung herself, I think, because she was unlucky in love. And I wondered how can someone at the age of 32 believe that being dead is better than being single? How could a fight evolve to the place of no point?
I think that I had forgotten then, what it feels like to be rejected by someone who you really want to be with. When a small taste of what love you deserve is all you get. How the fear of being alone as the years tick upwards claws at the back of the throat, reminding you that this is it – this is really your life, and you are tired of being so damned independent, and so damned free. The headache that comes from packing it all down into manageble bundles so you can keep getting the coffee on in the morning to get you through one more day.
It’s intolerable really – all of it – when you feel unlucky in love one more time in your life – a time you hoped it would be different, or at least could keep the feelings at bay long enough to stop being scared.
So now I am 33 years old and not sure whether my anxiety is depression, or the nagging of the possible end of my most recent relationship. I think it is both. One year older than Sarah who swung from the rope after a fight that sent her reeling home to the workshed alone. It’s painful, yes, to give up another thing – but I wish I could have told her “hold on, hold on – just give it another hour, another day, another week – there is another chance around the corner.” It’s what I tell myself, even if I can hardly believe it.
Plastic.
Today’s article in the Altered Oceans series is about plastic and how it is killing marine life and smothering the sea – tons and tons of plastic products that make their way into our waterways every day, that animals eat and die from, that make up huge currents of garbage floating around like giant barges.
When I went to get take-out sushi at lunch, I stopped inside the door to Fujiya (which has the great 3.85 box specials), and I couldn’t get past revulsion at row upon row of shining, plastic sushi boxes. I left, and went to a place where I didn’t need to use plastic utensils or disposable chopsticks or take-out cartons. It’s not like I’ve never thought about this before – but right there I was seized by how utterly fucked up the disposable industries are and how much I want to cut-down on my contribution to the global waste-pile. I don’t think I’ve felt quite so strongly about anything since I first went vegetarian after reading “Diet for a New America” at the age of 15. I am revolted by it.
Burnout.
A friend reminded me today that I hadn’t taken any vacation time in almost a year – which I didn’t believe until I looked up my leave transactions report at work – and that proves it. Not only have I not taken any vacation since the beginning of September 2005, but I have been steadily adding to my leave-balances through acrruing overtime compensation. I have over seven weeks of leave that I could be using right now it turns out. Huh. No wonder I’m so burnt out. No wonder I feel like crying when I look at my fall schedule.
It’s true, I’ve been away from the office a lot in the last year on union biz, which is just another form of work – but it makes me feel guilty taking vacation time as well. Now I feel like I don’t have a choice – that I need to take some time off in the next couple of months or I’m going to continue to unravel. It’s not even as though work is overly stressful at the moment – but it seems never-ending. So many little things, so stupidly unmanageable.
So this fall, I’ve got to make some plans quick before my whole calendar gets buried in other commitments. Problem is, everything seems like too much work at the moment – ah, the catch-22 of burnout – needing to take the time off but not being able to find the energy to do it.
Red Cedar 