Red Cedar

It occurred to me today, sweating on the elliptical trainer at the gym over my lunchour, that the most useful thing I’ve learned about myself in the last year is that I require routine. Which sounds boring doesn’t it?  That to be truly happy, mentally and physically healthy, and productive – I need a regular and predictable schedule which doesn’t experience too many interruptions. But the fact it, I’m at my most creative and interesting when these conditions are being met.

That is, if I put writing into my schedule, I write. If set aside time for music practice, then I get down to it.  If the gym is part of my daily pattern, then I get in better shape. And once I routinize these things so they become second nature – not a question of choice – then I actually do them until I get better and better. Until I create more and more and get more skilled in the doing. Not only that, but without regular sleeping and eating patterns I tend towards depressiveness and lethargy in every area of my life.

This isn’t exactly new of course, but a self-awareness that has been years in the dawning. With all the unexpected meetings,  travel, and unpleasantness this autumn I have been reminded again how UNHAPPY I am in a state of flux. That while I accept there will always be shakeups and I am strong enough to weather them, I would rather be on one side or the other of a change. And as much as I celebrate the need for transformation in life – I do not necessarily like being in the liminal space.

Nor does it do my body any good, as the recent disruption to my gym and workout schedule proves. The last two weeks at regular work has allowed me to start at getting back in shape after a several month absence from fitness – and is helping to reinforce my decisions around choosing a life that is more home and routine centered over election and leadership centered (aka dropping back from my union). Which is much too chaotic for my mental and physical health. I’m not as resilient anymore, and I can see so much the effects of throwing my workouts into the grinder because  back-to-back meetings dominated my whole fall (not pretty, let me tell you!).

Taking this into the new year, I’m making priorities for activity and cutting out the stuff that makes my life too chaotic. I’m scheduling in music and writing again, I’m making the gym part of my daily existence. Not because I feel that I *have* to do any of these things, but because I miss them when I don’t. I miss being able to bust my fiddle out at a party, or having a grand project like a novel to work on, not to mention having a cuter figure…. And I want to eliminate the stuff that gets in the way of that. The “can you be on a plane to Ottawa tomorrow” phone calls, the constant feeling of having to be ready and of being exhausted in return. That much I can leave behind to enable order and productivity in my most joyous of endeavours.

The Reverb10 prompt today just called out for a photo gallery – things I most want to remember in the past year. More photos coming later when I have access to the rest of my photo albums on my home computer.

I’m having trouble writing at the moment, I’m not sure why exactly except perhaps I’m afraid this is going to come out like mush. The question of the day is what I have to come to appreciate most in the past year – and without a doubt in the last three years, the answer is clearly Brian and the relationship we have worked to build together. Truly, life just seems so much easier, more joyful, and less lonely than it ever has for me before. I notice it especially during rough times – the relaxation that spreads down my shoulders when he hugs me, the relief I feel when I am returning home after a tough union hearing or meeting because I know he’ll be there with dinner ready. It’s infinite, all the small ways in which my life is eased or smoothed by the presence of this great love in my life and I can’t think of a single thing which compares in terms of appreciation value.

And I know it’s not one-sided, because we mutually show gratitude by helping each other, by sharing the tasks of our household, by listening and playing and prioritizing our time around each others needs. Which is key, really. That when we have time to spend, we want to spend it with each other.

It’s been just over three years now and I keep worrying that this great thing is going to come to an end – that we will tire of each other, become too accustomed, start taking for granted all the little things that still seem so miraculous…. But we’re both committed to kindness in our relationship, which is at least as important as love in keeping joy alive. Let’s keep our fingers crossed shall we? I’d like to appreciate this relationship as much in all the years we have together.

I feel pretty lucky in that once I decide what I want to do, I’m pretty good at getting it done. That is, the hardest part for me is deciding my goal, but once I figure that out I’m all over the process and figuring out the steps between a and b. So today’s prompt about putting aspirations into action is right up my alley.

For all the reflecting I’ve been doing this fall, I’m pretty sure my goals boil down to the following three:

• Put an end to procrastination as much as is humanly possible. I’m frittering away far too much of my life.
• Ensure physical activity is a part of my life every single day (even if that’s only a 20 minute dog-walk).
• Get enrolled in some more education – preferably the Master’s program I’m scoping out at SFU – but failing that I’ve got some other ideas.

So what to do.. what to do…. It’s all pretty simple really – my short-term action plan is as follows:

1. I’ve posted a procrastination log on this blog – it won’t come up as a separate post every day, it’s a page that I will be adding to each day with a to-do list. For the next month or two I’m going to list the items I need to get done each day and cross them off as I go. No Internet surfing or otherwise goofing off until a substantial number of them are completed. We’ll see how this feels over a few weeks – and if making a list every morning helps me to focus my days better. (I don’t really expect anyone to read it except me – who else could possibly be interested in my to do list?)
2. Since I came back to work last week I’ve been to the gym twice, gone ice skating and taken two length walks (one of which was 5 km today on the Trans Canada trail with the dog who was very happy with me). I know exactly how to do this, it’s just a matter of getting back int he habit. I’m enrolling in ice skating lessons for January-March and will sing up for the bucket list challenge coming at the YWCA in the new year. That and finding stuff to do with B. on weekends that is physically oriented. Piece of cake.
3. I gave myself 45 minutes to work on my grad school application essay this morning. I intend to continue carving out time in the next two months to complete that, plus following up with the folks who agreed to write reference letters for me. This one is just a matter of sitting down and doing it, as much as I loathe the process of writing about myself and my interests.

This feels good. A strategic plan of my very own…… And we’re not calling these resolutions, but positive steps right?