Red Cedar

I hate the shoulda, woulda, coulda line of thinking that pecks away inside of us like a drinking bird from hell. Dipping over and over into the glass of self-confidence. Peck, peck, peck.

A laboured metaphor perhaps – but since the prompt today asks what I should have done in 2010, I will honestly say that the only answer to that for me is – “In 2010 I should have gotten out of debt.” And I say that, not because I have a huge amount of debt (we’re talking under $5000 not counting the mortgage)…. but because I really want to get to a place in my life where I have absolutely *no* debt.

Now, if I had be stricter with myself I coulda (there it is again) had no debt by now. But I wasn’t. I ate out, bought clothes and shoes, and a new (2nd hand) vehicle. Built the studio out back because money came in from the Sunshine Coast house to do so (and then we ran a bit over budget and I went into a little more debt to finish).

So, that’s that. I didn’t pay off my personal debt this year even though it was a goal I had – and that really just comes down to discipline and priorities. Will I pay it off next year? I am knocking it down bit by bit and there should also be some money coming in the form of cashed out severance which I may or may not decide to put towards the Visa and the line of credit. It will depend, of course on other financial considerations – so I’m not committing to anything right now. Just that I will keep paying down incrementally, try to keep my book and clothing purchases to a minimum, and continue towards the eventual goal of debt-free. It’s not feeling super imperative at the moment, I guess – even though I know it makes way more sense financially than paying interest – which is why it’s a woulda, coulda, shoulda and not something I actually got done.

Healing. What comes to mind immediately when I think of what healed me in 2010 are home and garden. The places to which I retreat when I am wounded or ill. The places Brian and I have created in the last year and a half as I have moved further and further away from a particular kind of life that hurt me badly. An evolution of cocoon and warmth, a fortress from which I can keep disagreeable people at bay, a nourishment of green and earth. We create safety here into which we have entered, arm and arm, a life together. Which is the kind of healing I have needed, that of security and of love building a life in the most tangible of ways.

This, more than anything has soothed and crept into me. Given me hope incrementally, almost invisibly until I realize it all at once as I’m counting my blessings going into the new year. This home is my healing, my garden is medicine, and my future is here not there.

Parties, visits, and spending time with Brian all supersceded blog-posting this weekend, and thus I am behind on my Reverb reflections. Three blog posts to catch up, they are going to be short ones because I’m not super-inspired by the prompts.

Try. I don’t know if there’s anything new I want to try in 2011. While I can think of all sorts of things I’d like to get better at, like to back to – I’m not sure if anything in there is shiny and original.

One thing I know for sure though, is I’d like to try to get back to another kind of me this year – the kind of me who writes and plays music and goes to the gym every day. The kind of me I’ve been when I haven’t been bogged down with faux responsibility and the expectations of other people. These were things I wanted to get back to this year, had plans around in the fall, but got caught up and sent to Ottawa for negotiations and everything fell flat after that.

And it’s not just that I was away, but that the derailing time and again makes me feel so internally hopeless that I just stop for awhile until the itch comes back and I think – yes. I am totally ready to play music twice a week and write every day and get sweaty at the gym again. But there is always a fallow period, and this year it’s coinciding with December which is fine with me because this month is always such a write-off for discipline anyway.

There’s so many things I want try to get back to doing, I’m not sure I have room for anything new!