Freewriting about friendship


Today’s Reverb prompt is about friendship which I don’t feel particularly inclined to write about because 2010 was not exactly a year of great friendship for me. On the one side, I wasn’t a really great friend to a couple of people who could have used my support, and on the other, I felt really let down by people who I wanted support from. Instant karma, perhaps.

Now when I say the above, I want to be clear that I had a great year of socializing and hanging out with folks. But that’s not the same as the tried and true of a wrinkled and worn friendship. No, indeed. But it’s certainly easier, isn’t it? Small talk and drinks and who cares how hungover I am in the morning gee that was fun….. And it’s true I’ve been busy, and could make a thousand reasons why I haven’t been the friend I want to be – but I think it’s some kind of laziness in me. Or it’s just that I don’t make time and don’t like telephones so I mostly wait around hoping that my friendships will last with periodic visits to them. And that’s not realistic.

I know some of this is related to partnering – that for the first few years of domesticity it’s normal to let friendships go a little. And on top of that, I’ve learned to find my neededness elsewhere – in my union mainly, in my family somewhat. So it hasn’t felt as urgent to connect with folks. But when I think about that too long I get very sad, and I’ve realized lately how much I’ve withdrawn from real connections with people outside the tiny circle of my relationship, and I don’t like that very much. I also don’t know how to change it because some of it just is the way I always am. Even as a single person I wasn’t great at making phone calls to friends because deep down inside I believe no one really wants to hear from me anyway. And now doesn’t that sound pathetic? But really, I once had someone tell me I was one of her needier friends, and I’ve never been very proactive about calling her to hang out since. Because the worst thing I could ever be called is needy – you see? It’s just not worth letting people see your insides too much or they feel the license to say things like that to you.

But I honestly do have friends who I love very much and this year has been about not connecting with them. At the commitment ceremony in October, I even cried about it because I was so happy with my love and so unhappy with the state of this one friendship that it got all mixed up and came out in such a weird way. But that friend who I was upset about is still in my life – even moreso now, because we care about each other and want to help each other and I guess that’s what friendships are about. And I want to change the fact I haven’t been very proactive about reaching out to the people I care about. It’s a very selfish thing, I think. But it can’t go on forever, and I want to make more commitments to people in 2011, that the ones I care about should be in my life a lot more (however it happens). It’s not as if that is a huge list of people – really – there are only a few. So I should be able to make more of an effort now that I’m quitting all this other stuff. I’ve got more time at least, so that’s one less excuse about it.

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s