Red Cedar

I feel pretty lucky in that once I decide what I want to do, I’m pretty good at getting it done. That is, the hardest part for me is deciding my goal, but once I figure that out I’m all over the process and figuring out the steps between a and b. So today’s prompt about putting aspirations into action is right up my alley.

For all the reflecting I’ve been doing this fall, I’m pretty sure my goals boil down to the following three:

• Put an end to procrastination as much as is humanly possible. I’m frittering away far too much of my life.
• Ensure physical activity is a part of my life every single day (even if that’s only a 20 minute dog-walk).
• Get enrolled in some more education – preferably the Master’s program I’m scoping out at SFU – but failing that I’ve got some other ideas.

So what to do.. what to do…. It’s all pretty simple really – my short-term action plan is as follows:

1. I’ve posted a procrastination log on this blog – it won’t come up as a separate post every day, it’s a page that I will be adding to each day with a to-do list. For the next month or two I’m going to list the items I need to get done each day and cross them off as I go. No Internet surfing or otherwise goofing off until a substantial number of them are completed. We’ll see how this feels over a few weeks – and if making a list every morning helps me to focus my days better. (I don’t really expect anyone to read it except me – who else could possibly be interested in my to do list?)
2. Since I came back to work last week I’ve been to the gym twice, gone ice skating and taken two length walks (one of which was 5 km today on the Trans Canada trail with the dog who was very happy with me). I know exactly how to do this, it’s just a matter of getting back int he habit. I’m enrolling in ice skating lessons for January-March and will sing up for the bucket list challenge coming at the YWCA in the new year. That and finding stuff to do with B. on weekends that is physically oriented. Piece of cake.
3. I gave myself 45 minutes to work on my grad school application essay this morning. I intend to continue carving out time in the next two months to complete that, plus following up with the folks who agreed to write reference letters for me. This one is just a matter of sitting down and doing it, as much as I loathe the process of writing about myself and my interests.

This feels good. A strategic plan of my very own…… And we’re not calling these resolutions, but positive steps right?

I went skating today for the first time since last winter. Last winter I went skating for the first time since I was a kid. Not only is it all a little wobbly, but I got a blister this afternoon from my new skates and I fell hard on my knee once. Ow, right? But that’s how I expect I’ll get stronger and more steady (not to mention break in the skates), even if right now I feel a bit silly for my re-found desire to ice skate.

The timing of all this worked well for today’s prompt which is about body integration – as in when in the last year have I felt the most integrated, at-one with my body. Which is a rare situation for me, I have to admit, except when I’m physically stretched to my limit or in pain. Like today, in the moment of falling and — ow, fuck —- I really was only in my body and not at all in my head. Likewise when I was going to step-class regularly in the spring and almost killing myself doing mid-air kicks off the step in between gulping lungfuls of air. At these times my body is all momentum because if any logical thought was to creep in, I’d be getting myself out of the aerobics studio pretty damned quick.

My real truth is that I rarely get there because I live so much in my head. So much of reality for me is not what I see or feel or touch, but the backdrop of inner chatter, and it divorces me from myself and the physicality I crave. I’m not one of those people who can go to Yoga and feel at one with anything, because the whole time my mind is telling me that I’m not good enough or not doing it right. Hiking up the side of a mountain involves some noticing of my environment, and a laundry list of tasks running through my mind as I guilt myself for taking time off to go outside and play. This is at the root of so much of what I need to overcome in order to feel more at peace – and yet I never stick with working on it for long.

Besides learning to focus my mind through meditation practices and cognitive behaviour techniques – my integration of my body is total when I am experiencing real challenge. Whether that is just intensity level or learning a brand new set of skills, my internal voice and critic is shut up when I am working on that plane of physical pain/struggle. Hm.

Body integration or no, I am going to start skating lessons in the new year at Trout Lake rink, and I’ve returned to the gym lately after a four-month hiatus. I am reconnecting with my body after a few stressful months in which I had drifted further and further away – and even if I rarely get to the holistic state we are all “supposed” to achieve – at least I’m working on my skills and state of health.

11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

Do I really have eleven things my life doesn’t need in 2011? Eleven seems like an awful lot…..

1. Clutter around the house. An obvious one, right? 5-15%  of items in any house (if not more) or not only unnecessary but annoying in the amount of space they take up. Before January 1st, I am going to devote a couple of days to cleaning up the problem spaces – including the basement, the bedroom, and the kitchen cupboards to see if I can reduce that which is in the way of our living space.
2. My union leadership aspirations. I think I’ve blogged here about this more than once in the last week so enough said.
3. My fear of graduate school, and of not being smart enough to succeed. The only end to this is going to be in the doing of it. Applying to the SFU program, getting accepted, and getting myself enrolled next fall. I don’t know if this will change my life, but it will put me on the path to finishing something I’ve always wanted to accomplish – an M.A.
4. My worn out underthings and tights. Seriously, I buy a new pair of underwear but do I throw out the old ones with the crap elastic and the holes? No. They just hang around in the drawers, getting pulled out and tossed back in every morning when I am getting dressed. See 1. above for how I’m going to deal with this.
5. The spider mites eating my bell pepper plant in the bookshed. Tomorrow I’m going out to see if I can find an organic remedy for this problem – my life will be improved how? Fresh peppers in wintertime are worth the effort.
6. Debt. We don’t have a lot of personal debt outside of the mortgage, but this is definitely something I don’t need in 2011 and I’m working on paying down my credit card and line of credit when I can with a commitment to using cash instead of plastic.
7. The comments sections on news sites and hateful blogs or websites. Really, why am I upsetting myself all the time with continual reminders that many people are just plain mean? I just have to stop reading these for real, no cheating, no peeking.
8. My procrastinating ways. I hate to admit it but I am a bit of slacker when it comes down to just getting things done – particularly anything I consider work (like my job, or creative writing which is harder than you would think). The only way I know to address this is to start each day with productive tasks, rather than getting sucked in the email, facebook, twitter-verse – and save the goofing off until mid-afternoon. Other way around and I never get to what needs doing. Overall, I know my life would be way less stressful and I would feel a lot better about myself if I could overcome these bad habits.
9. My sometimes negative self-opinion. I feel like I’ve done some work on this in the last year – which is how I got to a place where I could make a decision based on my real desires rather than a sense of loyalty (grad school vs. my union) – but it continues by recognizing my strengths rather than focusing on my flaws and by continuing to involve myself in affirming circles of people.
10. The hurts of 2010. Not that there have been too many hurts this year (It’s been a good one – what with the marriage and all), but still there was at least one betrayal that I’m still feeling raw about, and some other incidents involving friends that I’m carrying a little frustration over still. These I need to let go, whether it means letting go the friendships as well I’m not sure about.
11. The N on my vehicle. I got my “New Driver” License eight years ago and I still have never bothered to retest in order to get my full Class Five License, mostly because of a grudging feeling about graduated licensing and how it costs double which doesn’t seem right or fair. Be that as it may, I’m a decent driver and would really love to get rid of the “N” stigma about now – so time to book an appointment with ICBC in the early new year.

Coming up with eleven was easier than I thought – I suppose it’s true that we carry around many things which are entirely unnecessary – some of which are even harmful. Time to work through some of those!