Red Cedar

As promised last week, I’m going to do a reflection on each of this blog’s themes since that’s an easy entry into reflecting on what’s important going into the new year. In alphabetical order, we then begin with EAT – the category in which I should have more links and don’t because I so rarely document food even though it’s such a central part of our social life. 2011 has actually been a very memorable food year for a number of reasons:

1) The rotating dinner party plan: We have been getting together with our friends Jess, Sam, Caelie, Stephe and Jaclyn almost every month for the past year where we rotate houses for after-work dinners. Although it seems to be faltering a bit at the moment, I’m committed to doing this again in 2012 either with the same group or a new group – or some combination – because it’s been such a great way to get to know some friends better and because we all have a love of cooking and eating which is much better when shared with others (right?). Seven or eight seems to be the right number for such a venture – meaning that no household should have to cook more than three dinners in a year and giving plenty of time for food ideas to percolate between hosting.

2) Dinner in bed: There is no schedule or plan to this, but about once every two months Brian and I fix dinner and go to bed as soon as we get home from work. It’s usually some kind of tapas-meal – cheese, olives, flatbread, coldcuts – and chocolate for dessert with a glass of wine or three. Sometimes we watch a movie afterwards, or have a bath – but there’s a decadence to just jettisoning evening chores in favour of taking time together, and eating yummy things. You know how good breakfast in bed is? Dinner in bed is better.

3) Birthday Dinner: For my 38th birthday, Brian organized a surprise dinner which included flying a friend down from Bella Coola for a visit! The food was pretty good, but most memorable was the gathering in which I got to see a bunch of friends and have an awesome evening. Plus it was the first time I ever got a surprise party from anyone!

4) Brian’s Birthday Dinner: For Brian’s birthday, I hosted an eleven-person dinner using all Greek recipes. I even made new table linens for the occasion. And it was incredible. Somehow I’ve got to top that all for his 40th which is coming in a few short months!

5) Dave’s Burger Party: This party was well documented, you can read about it elsewhere on my blog. I still think this is the coolest food idea I’ve ever had for a party and we will definitely be doing this again. Every summer at least once.

6) Zuchinni Cake: I found the best zuchinni cake recipe ever this year and can hardly wait for next summer’s squash crop to do it again. Seriously, it’s as good as the best carrot cake you’ve ever had (I love carrot cake).

7) Thanksgiving in NYC. We had Canadian Thanksgiving in New York City with my in-laws. Brian learned how to debone a turkey from his brother. Far too much alcohol was consumed leaving us with a bit mess to clean-up afterwards. Not my idea of a fun night, but memorable for sure.

8 ) Canning: As always we canned a ridiculous amount of food this summer – more than last year. And as always, I complained mid-way through that it just seemed crazy to do so much work. But now that we are entering December and I have regular fresh, home-made preserves, veggies and condiments to draw on I take it all back. I *love* having a surplus of summer goodness in the basement, and it represents a real cost savings, plus adds a variety to our menu we wouldn’t otherwise have. As always I wish that we had canned more tomato products, and next year I’d like to venture a little more into liqueurs since the sage/lemon/honey/vodka infusion I made this year has turned out rather nicely (I decanted it on the weekend).

I am going to do a further reflection on changes to my diet in the past year that I feel good about – but in general 2011 has been a great food year, with lots of social indulgences and parties that I hope will continue into the New Year. Food is so much better shared, and is something worth labouring over to get the best possible result!

Leading up to the new year, December is a month for reflection. Where have I been this year? Where am I going? What lessons do I want to carry into the new year? At the end of 2010, I participated in ReVerb which posed a daily prompt for reflective writing. That was somewhat helpful, but I wasn’t sure about some of them and I missed a bunch towards the end as the holidays ramped up. This year, Reverb isn’t happening in the same way and so instead I’m choosing my own internal prompts to write on this month. Some of those will be reflections, some will be recaps based on my blog themes – but by the end of the month I’m hoping to have posted at least fifteen pieces in this vein.

I’m starting off my December posts with a reflection from this past week: I am only responsible for my own life and actions. I am not responsible for the lives and actions of other people.

I often get caught up as a mediator, enabler, or financial caretaker to people who are perfectly able to take care of their own emotional, behavioural, or economic needs. It’s a bit of a pattern for me, pointed out by my naturopath during Monday’s appointment and underscored by a number of issues which have come up this week. Interesting how that happens eh? You receive a lesson and then immediately you see all the instances of it in your life.

So I’m noticing this pattern in a number of places and reflecting on that I realize that setting myself as a universal helper (soft touch) in this way has only ever resulted in resentment, dependency and frustration on my part and on the part of the person who is seemingly needing my assistance in some way. And really, it’s all about feeling needed and included for me isn’t it? Something like that. Not healthy.

I am not referring to my official advocacy here – my union role for instance has boundaries around it which I have learned to define over the years, and which very few people try to overstep. But in our more intimate relationships – our friends and our family – boundaries are difficult to establish and even more difficult to maintain. So often our own perceived emotional needs override the boundaries that we have set, and then a new pattern develops that has to be worked through and so on.

But what’s great about my reflection/realization of the week is that I allow myself to recognize my own true responsibility and let go of my bad feelings about what other people are doing. And not only that, I allow myself to refuse engagement in relationships which are negatively enabling. From there, it’s a little more reflective work to develop strategies for “loving disengagement” from the crises of others while still maintaining the positive aspects of my relationship. Because really, I’m only in these situations with people because they are people who I care about….

At the same time, if I am only responsible for myself, then does that mean I’m not needed? Yeah. It does mean that. But it doesn’t mean that I’m not desired, loved, enjoyed, and part of a greater community of people who want me around. Which is way better than being needed. Because need is such a desperate place, and what we think we need is often wrong, or not need at all.

What I would like for 2012 is to continue to work myself out of the enabler and mediator roles – which is not a new goal, because in 2010 I recognized where some of the relationships in my life were unbalanced and harmful and found ways to extract myself – but my work on this front isn’t done yet. As I have noticed this week, my impulse to fix things is my natural response to pretty much everything – and I need to remind myself that it’s not possible for me to sort anyone out but myself. Sadly. Because if I had a magic wand I would certainly alleviate the struggles of the people I really care about. Given that there is no wand, and that I have