Red Cedar

Recently, my partner asked me to stop being so hard on myself as in — “please work on this, it’s not helpful”…. and so now I am in a state of noticing. Noticing all the times I stop myself, second guess my responses, think mean things about myself in the back of my head. Let me tell you, this noticing is annoying. Really annoying.

For example, just the other day, my fellow blogger over at Small, Delicious Life, posted a partial article he is working on and then went on Facebook to solicit feedback on the thoughts therein. First of all, I was flattered – because isn’t it nice that someone thinks I’m smart enough to comment on their smart ideas? And then I decided that responding was just going to get me in trouble because all those other smart friends he tagged were sure to be smarter than me. But of course, I can’t help myself – because I have thoughts! And so I quickly drafted up some of them, deleting them twice before finally posting them (and removing a link back to an article on my own blog in the process) – and of course qualifying all of them by saying that they were “not cogent” and “draft” just to underscore how much I don’t think my ideas matter very much.

Right, so you get the point. That is fucking exhausting. And it’s pretty much how I live a great deal of my life. If I go for a jog (as I did the other day for the first time in ages) I spend most of it internally commenting on my out of shape, middle-age body. In work meetings where I am the subject matter expert, I find myself constantly apologizing for having an opinion even though I am one of probably about two people who have my specific expertise in all of North America (and my opinion is more than welcome). I am critical of myself every time I purchase something to the degree that I have (at least once) had a breakdown over the purchase of a new pair of shoes. And then there is the fact that I pretty much avoid looking in the mirror as much as is possible without becoming slovenly because I have *never* learned to like the way I look (fat or thin).

And it’s not like any of that changes my approach to things or betters me in any way – my internal anxiety about buying things (for example) does not make me more green than other people, just more miserable about spending money.

Here’s the thing. I know I am smart. I know I am not lazy. I know I am actually very good at what I do professionally, and that I have the capacity to write and make music as well as anyone – and yet I go out in the world pretending that I do not think any of those things. And worse than that, I tell myself that I do not think any of these things even when I am busy demonstrating to people how much I can do so well (make money, knit scarves, bake bread, run significant projects on behalf of the federal government, pickle beets, represent as a union advocate, sew garments, make love, play the ukulele, write personal essays on this blog, put on fabulous parties, etc. etc.)

There’s a part of me that wants to hate on myself for this one more thing thing – this internal critic – but I’m pretty sure this is mostly not my fault. For when you are good at things, when you are opinionated, a little bit loud, and possibly even show some leadership capacity *and also a woman* – there is a whole world out there ready to put you in your place from childhood on up to middle age. There are younger men who will get jobs you are 10 x more qualified for. There are women who will pull you aside when you are a young union leader and tell you that you are arrogant (or – heaven forbid – they will just whisper that you are a lesbian) just because you stand up and know what you are talking about. There are all the people (especially family) who will diminish your accomplishments because you don’t have children (and that’s what really makes a woman, right?) Or if you do have kids, you will constantly be criticized for how you raise them, 10 million times more than their fathers will ever be. (If you are a stepmother, for the record, it will be assumed you are a homewrecker with no familiar relationship to your step-child).

Most of all, you will have to develop a million deflection strategies so that no one feels threatened or diminished by your competence – and that’s where the bad habits (of self-deprecation, internal criticism and so on) set in.

The other day, I read this celebrity does a triathalon article in which America Ferrera relates her own battle with internalized negativity and how she confronted that while training for an athletic event she didn’t ever think she would do. This piece isn’t unique, because this is such a common part of the female landscape, but it landed with me at a time that I was already thinking about this self-destructive defense tactic and how much it makes me unavailable to enjoy my own experiences and successes. Her strategy for combating the voice is really just the cognitive behavioural trick of replacing negative thoughts with positive ones – enough so that those become the habit of self-reference – and it’s pretty much the only thing I can imagine would work. External validation has nothing to do with it – obviously – you can have heaps of that and still hate yourself. It really is about deciding that we don’t have to be “sorry” for being who we are.

Now, I want to qualify – this doesn’t only apply to women. Tons of people suffer from these same ingrained responses due to class, gender, race, and other social status situations – it comes up all the time in people around me who have vastly different experiences of the world than me….. But the fix is probably the same for the most part. We have to start with taming that internal voice. We have to take our rightful place at the tables where we belong and not take the external criticism of the world in. And once we can do that, then we are far more equipped to dismantle those external barriers and start building a society that doesn’t tell so many of us that we are inferior all of the time.

So 2017 is going to be a year where I work on that. It didn’t really show up in my year compass as a big focus, but in the last few weeks it’s been on my mind.

I started practicing yesterday when I was in Vancouver for meetings. A co-worker stopped me in the hall and told me that she thought I would be a good president of our union local (the election is only a month away). Instead of qualifying my response or trying to be funny about it – I simply said “Thanks – I think I will be a good local president – I’m the most qualified person to take it on right now.” It is the truth, and it felt pretty awesome to say it out loud.

This morning I’ve switched the dial on Google play from my regular –  moody and mellow – music channels to something called “Handclapping & Footstomping”.  After three nights in a row where my sleep wasn’t the best, I need something to pep me up a bit and this seems to be doing it. I’m counting down until work holidays which start for me next Thursday – not because I’m that interested in the Christmas season, but because I’m at the point in the year where I’m pretty disinterested in work. Bottomline – it’s break time and I need a few sleeping in days. I’ll have twelve of those between the 22nd and the 3rd and I can hardly wait – especially since Brian and I are now on island(s) together until the new year. There’s been a lot of time alone on the dark island recently, owing to weird work schedules on both our parts, and I’m ready for some steady company now.

As we near the end of December, I find myself marveling at the fact that a year ago this month – we still had no idea that we were moving town and house. It was a decision that didn’t come until the end of February- and yet it seems like years since we set our sights on this island. I suppose that’s because we have planned for somewhere rural ever since we first met nine years ago – and we were just waiting for the right time and place to occur to us. The fundamentals of change are like that, aren’t they? You float along thinking about things for a long time and then suddenly the opportunity appears and the change seems to happen overnight. It’s a bit like how my (amazing) yoga teacher moves us slowly, slowly into position, and then with a quick snap at the end we are into the final twist/bend/contortion….. I call it sneaky teaching because you don’t know where you are going as you inch along, you aren’t convinced you are ever going to get anywhere, and then suddenly! You are in a totally new-to-you place!

Which really just suggests that so much of what gets us ready to do anything is happening on a semi or subconscious level – which is something worth remembering when we feel stuck in a rut and like we aren’t doing enough to change that. Of course, there are times when action is obvious and necessary – but sometimes all we can do is have an idea about where we are going, and otherwise wait until we get there, or until circumstances around us change to provide an opening (that we have mentally prepared ourselves to slip through).

Last year at this time I did the Year Compass and although I don’t have a copy of it now (their online tool has disappeared), I know that my key words for 2016 were Move, Mobilize, Motivate – because our routine in the city had become a bit stultifying and I was ready for something new to happen. By the time I chose those keywords, I was clearly already one foot out of the city (and was also planning to purchase a decent bicycle), but I had no idea that we would so decisively jump that hurdle less than twelve weeks later by putting our house on the market.

Which is why I’m a convert to doing an annual planning/visioning process for myself. Even when we don’t know what we are planning for – revisiting feelings, values, and how we spend our time –  in some kind of structured way, helps us nail down the essence of who we are and what we deeply want/need (as opposed to what we think we want or need). It’s basically like arming ourselves for change – so that when it comes knocking at your door, or when you need to manifest something new – you have the basis on which to make decisions already sitting in your subconscious and ready to help answer the question that will arise. Don’t get me wrong, when I am deeply in a rut, I see the appeal of change for the sake of change – but given that none of us have that much extra energy to spare, it seems like a bit of future planning can help us move consistent with our values and our life path, as opposed to zig-zagging from one road to the next.

Although I haven’t finished my compass document yet, I think this year is going to be less focused on movement, and more on contemplative community and practice. That’s the deep need I’m feeling after three restless nights and a recently erratic schedule – but I’ll have to wait and see what comes up when I start digging in and looking at myself for another year forward.