Red Cedar

so this morning i got out of bed late, had almost nothing in the house for breakfast, ran downstairs to get coffee and somehow managed to leave my keys at Turks when i went to catch the bus….

i’m unusually disorganized today. i think it’s because i’ve had a busy week and it’s not really over (i have strike training all day tomorrow) – i’m a little frazzled.

the subject clause still hasn’t come off my apartment, and i guess the potential purchaser has until the 20th to make up her mind. she is coming to view my suite one more time on sunday – and i really hope she takes it. she seems like the type of person who would really enjoy this place, and she seems to have a lot of ideas for how to work the space best for her. there are ads in today’s coast reporter for houses for rent for september 1st, so i have made a couple of phone calls about going to view them. i would really like to get that aspect of my life settled – the sooner the better!

this week my friend anna came through town on her way to go fruit picking. we went out together on wednesday night and i broke my sugar fast and had some sangria (bad, bad i know…..) – she is one of my oldest friends, and someone whose adventurous life is something i have infinite depths of respect for. her and i both moved from victoria at the same time 9 years ago and since then she has crewed on a boat to antarctica, has sailed over half the world (it seems like that anyhow), lived in new zealand, squatted in europe, and made a travelling life with her partner lucas (from spain). every time i see anna i am so happy to still know her after all this time – and while i used to envy her life on one level (as i felt more staid in my rooted preference for stability), now when we meet i can recognize how as two distinct individuals we have grown into our strengths and away from the fucked up teenagers we used to be – and how both of us are valuable and interesting beings to each other. it is hard to recognize that somehow we officially became grown-up – and the shades of who we used to be are harder to see than ever before. realizing that about her, makes me believe the same must be true for me. i often make the mistake of thinking that anyone looking at me can see the dark-purple bruises of my past, but they have faded with time and are only visible to those who are entrenched in my life.

we of course spoke about steve m. getting out of jail in september, and i have heard he is going to a half-way house in victoria, not coming to one in vancouver…. which closes the window of my anxiety just a little bit – but still makes me very angry because they are allowing him to be in the community where the majority of his assaults occured, and where his wife and children live. i am worried for the well-being of my friend who was involved in the trial, and who i have been slowly processing with since last fall about his release. her and i have discussed a protection ritual for some time in august and i think it’s probably essential to the psychologically arming necessary to prepare for this event.

although i have managed to quell the inner voices that so terrified me last fall, when i start to think about the closeness of his release, there is a tension within me that grabs the back of my neck and creeps into my jaw. sometimes i am not sure whether it is fear i am tending or anger at the way the system treats all of us – for as far as i can tell (having been on many sides of this issue) – the “corrections” system is not designed to assist the inmate, nor the target of violence, nor the community at large – it’s a system so totally designed to fail each and every one of us.

but having accessed that darkness – i must also say that i feel very fortunate to have had so many supportive interactions around this issue over the past several months…. and have recognized over and over that i have a community of protection and i can extend that to the others involved in this situation if need be… especially once i move – to be able to provide a place of respite if required. what’s been particularly striking is how the people from my past (who know the situation like i do), how we have all discussed it amongst each other, offered quiet support, how those people who still remain in my life from that period are so important to me now….

on friday a woman made an offer on my apartment that was accepted. although she is fearful of the noise potential, she seems almost committed to going through with the purchase. if that happens then i will get my notice for october 1st which means i will aim to move in the beginning of september.

i’m thinking of planning a party before i move out of this apartment.

my biggest accomplishment of the week was to finish packing my office/den today which has taken up several hours of my recent life. i don’t know how i could have had that much stuff in my small den, but in the end i hauled out 4 bags of garbage. mostly old files and papers. i am getting rid of my desk – so let me know if you want it.

i have become ruthless in my quest to rid my life of extraneous *stuff*.

my father and i went to the sunshine coast this weekend and poked around. checked out a cheap house that has a super-cute yard but is *small* and in need of some serious redoing. it started me on thinking about buying a place again – something i would like to do soon amid fears of perpetually renting.

we’ll see.

now purging my life of uneccesary things, i am also stripping parts of myself away – making myself new in order to be freed from the grasp of my accumulated life. it is by turns painful and renewing – and i find myself looking back every few minutes to make sure that this is really something i want to do.

this is without a doubt the most anxiety-inducing move i have ever been through. apparently my psyche doesn’t like change.