Red Cedar

it just feels too cliche somehow – the biological clock sounding the alarm in some almost mystical epiphanous moment. the driven woman who suddenly realizes that it’s almost too late to have the family she always dreamed of and changes everything….

but now i understand where those stereotypes come from. for real, they happen, and i’m not so sure what that means for me.

those who have known me for some time are aware that i have been pregnant before, have decided not to continue those pregnancies, and have often stated that in no way do i want children or expect to have them in my life. period. end of story. forget it….. and i wasn’t just making a point, i really believed it, part of me thinking i was immune from this whole biological clock business, wholly lacking in maternal impuses and thus unfit for parenting. i have a whole section of my identity built up around remaining childless, so much so that i chose an IUD as the definitive form of birth control to get me through the self-imposed deadline of 35 years old, deciding that there should be no more accidents before then.

there is nothing i hate more than being wrong – but then i guess that’s why declarative statements are so problematic in the first place.

without getting into the specifics of recent events, i will say that something has shifted within me and suddenly (and i do mean *suddenly*) i am completely open to the possibility of having a child within the next two years, despite the fact it will have profound effects on my life and cause me to take a detour from my current path. for the past 10 days or so i have been thinking around and around the possibilities, the implications and the fact that i don’t have forever to make this decision before i lose the chance to have an easy time of it (yes, a child after 35 is a consideration, but not desirable to me). i have been stressed, i have been introspective, i have been erratically emotional.

and thus, the silence on this blog lest i say something i really would regret.

does this mean i’ve come to any solid decisions on this yet? no. i’m still pondering and expect i will be for some time, but i’ve decided to open myself to the possibility fully in order to make that decision for the first time in my life. single parenting seems most likely given my present state, which adds an extra layer of questions and stresses.

i guess what has fundamentally changed is realizing that whatever i decide to do, it is possible for me to raise a child with or without help, and that i have it in me to do whatever it takes to be a good mother. in the past i wasn’t ever confident of those things, nor did i see motherhood as a desired state and so i couldn’t even be honest with myself about the questions.

i know, weird huh? i’m just a stereotype like everyone else. any thoughts? please share them here.

i think i may have to change where i sit on the ferry in the mornings. i’m sure you all remember remember the hunter from my previous blog posting? apparently even accepting one invitation to dinner has given him a sense of familiarity i am really uncomfortable with.

lately it has been a daily commentary on my clothing, my hair, my footwear – you name it – every day new comment. they aren’t particularly offensive (except the one time he inferred that a skirt i was wearing belonged on a teenage girl and not me), but i find that kind of attention to my clothing and appearance by anyone not only unusual, but somewhat humilitating. of course this doesn’t stop at the clothing comments, he seems to pay a lot of attention to what i am or am not doing and poke fun at it pretty much every day. it’s all framed in this very “teasing” tone, but it’s not fun to me and really getting on my nerves, particularly as he practically shouts across the ferry to talk to me, making his opinions about me quite public.

so this morning (in response to his inquiry about why i wasn’t wearing a skirt) i said “really, you don’t need to make comments on my appearance every day” to which he responded, “well, someone’s in a bad mood this morning”… errrrr….. what? i’m in a bad mood because i don’t feel like having a fashion discussion at 6 in the morning with someone i barely know and who’s giving off the creep vibe?

i had a whole ferry ride to think about this exchange as none of my friends were riding this morning and i was on my own.

the fact is, i don’t mind when someone makes the occasional comment here or there about some aspect of my appearance. a lover or a friend can tease me about a particular hairstyle or political opinion and i don’t get all offended about it. this is all part of the friendly and sometimes loving attention we give to each other; acknowledging that which is interesting or funny about those around us. but with the hunter, it just doesn’t feel that way. the impression that keeps coming to me is that the comments are a way of showing others around him that he has a familiarity with me enough to make continual observations in a loud and public fashion, and that he secretly thinks all women (myself being some sort of example) a little bit ridiculous or foolish.

but perhaps he thinks this is the way to show a woman he’s interested? is this really what some men are taught is appropriate?

in any case, i’m basically at the point where i want him to stop interacting with me at all if he can’t keep his distance and i’m thinking the easiest way to deal with it is to impede his ability to comment at me in the mornings by staying the hell away from him.

apparently this is a hazard of dating a fellow commuter (even once!) – lesson noted.