Red Cedar

although things are no less fucked up than they were yesterday, i have managed to replace the sickly sliding into a black hole feeling with something resembling my normal self (though a very distracted and internally amped one). a cranial sacral treatment, a homeopathic remedy and a good night’s sleep appear to have curtailed the impending shatter, a event that would have been no use to anyone and quite possibly dangerous to myself.

two weeks tomorrow and everything so different from two weeks today, a world viewed through grey-tint and suspicion, a head full of howling memories, and an encrypted jaw wired shut at the source. this is the new life, in which i make sense of all things i didn’t see and try to bandage my own dreams. who knew that doors could slam shut as quick as this?

but here it is, the machine grinding foward grand juries and trials. february, march, and then? we will see what awaits on each date and afterwards – hold tight and wait – tick-ticking the time past zero until darren is allowed to come home, until the endlessness of courtrooms is over. will freedom be our reprieve?

this one is mine. it may be challenging at moments, but it belongs to me. of all the other lives i could have lived, this is not one i am ashamed of.

still at home sick, but starting to feel better (both cold-wise and mind-wise) – i finally got around to finishing my mom’s xmas present this morning. not perfect but i’m pretty happy with how it turned out (there was a point during which i was making the pillow where i thought it wasn’t going to work at all).

posting will continue to be light or non-existent while i recover from my cold and pick up the pieces from some recent events. i will return when i am sorted out somewhat.

• i just realized that in the winter my view of the ocean gets increasingly expanded due to the lack of leaves on the trees directly in front of the house. it’s gorgeous today with the winter sun reflecting down onto it.
• the three classical albums i can not stop listening to lately are:
  • andre part: lamentate;
  • silencio: part, glass & martynov; and
  • michael nyman: music for two pianos
• i’ve also been very taken with the arcade fire (funeral) and daniel lanois (belladonna) and elliot brood (ambassador)
• i am currently part way through the following books:
  • chomsky on anarchism;
  • bookchin: the ecology of freedom;
  • proulx: close range (wyoming stories); and
  • gordimer: july’s people
• i got an email last night through a dating site and was sortof interested, but then i googled him and now i’m not sure. i don’t trust people who are completely ungoogleable but at the same time, i don’t always like what i find.
• i’m stupidly crushed out on someone right now anyways – but he doesn’t live anywhere close to me.
• i’m thinking of attending a taize church service tomorrow night at st. hilda’s in sechelt.
• i split tons of firewood and kindling this morning and loaded it into the house. yay to woodstoves.

  uh huh – life, it just goes on like that.