Red Cedar

it just feels too cliche somehow – the biological clock sounding the alarm in some almost mystical epiphanous moment. the driven woman who suddenly realizes that it’s almost too late to have the family she always dreamed of and changes everything….

but now i understand where those stereotypes come from. for real, they happen, and i’m not so sure what that means for me.

those who have known me for some time are aware that i have been pregnant before, have decided not to continue those pregnancies, and have often stated that in no way do i want children or expect to have them in my life. period. end of story. forget it….. and i wasn’t just making a point, i really believed it, part of me thinking i was immune from this whole biological clock business, wholly lacking in maternal impuses and thus unfit for parenting. i have a whole section of my identity built up around remaining childless, so much so that i chose an IUD as the definitive form of birth control to get me through the self-imposed deadline of 35 years old, deciding that there should be no more accidents before then.

there is nothing i hate more than being wrong – but then i guess that’s why declarative statements are so problematic in the first place.

without getting into the specifics of recent events, i will say that something has shifted within me and suddenly (and i do mean *suddenly*) i am completely open to the possibility of having a child within the next two years, despite the fact it will have profound effects on my life and cause me to take a detour from my current path. for the past 10 days or so i have been thinking around and around the possibilities, the implications and the fact that i don’t have forever to make this decision before i lose the chance to have an easy time of it (yes, a child after 35 is a consideration, but not desirable to me). i have been stressed, i have been introspective, i have been erratically emotional.

and thus, the silence on this blog lest i say something i really would regret.

does this mean i’ve come to any solid decisions on this yet? no. i’m still pondering and expect i will be for some time, but i’ve decided to open myself to the possibility fully in order to make that decision for the first time in my life. single parenting seems most likely given my present state, which adds an extra layer of questions and stresses.

i guess what has fundamentally changed is realizing that whatever i decide to do, it is possible for me to raise a child with or without help, and that i have it in me to do whatever it takes to be a good mother. in the past i wasn’t ever confident of those things, nor did i see motherhood as a desired state and so i couldn’t even be honest with myself about the questions.

i know, weird huh? i’m just a stereotype like everyone else. any thoughts? please share them here.