Red Cedar

after reading about a friend’s hookups via the craigslist personals, i decided last night to give it a whirl and posted a message there to see what the uptake would be – you know, looking for a lover, don’t make my life difficult kinda thing. so far i have had 35 responses, most of them with photos.

what makes craigslist so different from other dating sites? i’ve never had nearly that kindof response… i mean, they aren’t all people i’m interested in, but there’s at least a couple who look somewhat intriguing. we shall see – i’m a bit overwhelmed at the moment and i’m suffering from a bit of a crisis in self-confidence. i shall give myself until the weekend to respond to any of them seriously.

if you want to see what i posted, look under the link.

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to run, or not to run. to have a child or not. to move forward on a plan with friends to live together? my placid life of bureaucratic mumbling along has suddenly come to an abrupt halt and predictability has been replaced with precariousness…. okay well maybe not precariousness (though it has a nice alliterative quality), but definitely some uncertainty has tripped up my even step.

the question du jour is about running for a more senior position in my regional union council recently available in a by-election. yesterday was the closing for nominations, and in a fit of panic over some of those already declared (along with some nudging from another person), i threw in a last-minute form and bio to stand for the office. the position itself isn’t anything too taxing, but should our regional leader (the regional executive vice-president) run up to another position in ottawa, then i would be default end up in her role, which would mean pushing my timeline on having a child back, a change of residence, and a change in my career path.

and if i think about it realistically, that is probably too much of a departure from where i actually want to be in my life right now – but i’m still torn, and i’m not sure why that nags at me so much. a close friend who has only a marginal vested interest in the situation offered that i am probably not ready for the position either personally or politicallly, which i was able to hear and not feel judged by mostly because it sounded true to me…. i’m probably not ready to commit to a lifestyle of politics over my career or a possible family right now, and i’m definitely not politically savvy enough to navigate the position i may end up in by default.

if only i could know the future!

having said this, of course, brings on the realization there is one set of choices i can make which will leave the future open in a way that makes it easier to have a child, keep my career and possibly live communally with my friends – and another set which will put it all off for at least two years if not much longer (like forever, it’s the kind of decision that would take me in a different direction altogether). what i mostly have to remember is because i am young, and have lots of working/union years left, i also have lots of time to push the political career into overdrive if that is something i choose down the road.

talk about privileged navel-gazing! how can i have it all and have it all too?

dilemma resolved.

doesn’t it seem so? post-christmas and back at work (without an internet connection mind you), so many days since the last post which said little anyways.

i am posting via a dial-up connection through my work phone (brought my laptop in specifically for this purpose) because the sink-hole that has occurred in vancouver centre has damaged quite a lot of fibre optic cable and our building is one of those affected by it. talk about annoying – particularly in a week as slow as this workwise – but i’m happy to at least report this work around of the personal dial-up account that telus gives free to every adsl subscriber.

christmas went by quickly and with little in the way of events. my brother built me a beautiful wooden box for firewood storage, and my parents gave me a water bowl with a little pump that is to go on my deck when the weather gets nicer. everyone liked the gifts i got them, and my mom especially liked the stitched pillow. next year i would like to make everyone’s gifts if i get some ideas of what they want. on christmas day, my parents eschewed the turkey dinner (finally!) and we ate a nice wild sockeye with salad before going out to see “walk the line”, the new film about the life of johnny cash (not badly done, but a little too typical rock-n-roll biopic for someone as atypical as cash).

managed to pick up several metres of new fabric in a post-boxing day sale this week and have started a new smallish quilt for myself, but also picked up some fabric for quilts i want to start envisioning for others. i am also planning on starting a new stitched pillow project which should take me until the summer to complete – but first i have to block it out since i’m modifying a design i found to fit the shape i want.

i have spoken to darren a couple of times in the last few days and he is doing as well as can be expected given the circumstances. i have so far sent him two letters as well. the situation down there with the arrests continues to roll along and i’m doing my part to support him directly and others indirectly through getting resources set up on resist. although it is very stressful, i have been keeping myself focused on the work and doing lots of meditation and breathing to bring balance to my energies.

the house promises to be full on new year’s eve with visits from giles, darcie and the kids, sharai, and now also steph and her partner scott – all of whom i will be towing up to sean and michelle’s place for new year’s eve (i know, it’s unusual to get invited somewhere and then bring along another 8 people as dates, but sean sounded open to the idea of my vancouver-friends who might happen to be up coming to the party as well. i’ll just have to make sure our potluck contribution is commensurate with our numbers). i promise to post photos after the festivities.

so much of life lately i just wasn’t expecting.

i am tired today, and tired means bleak, but rather than another post laden with tragedy i have decided to honour the solstice by presenting five things for which i am grateful right now. in doing this, i am invoking a moment shared with a fellow-activist some years ago when he expressed his gratitude to me in front of a circle at a gathering. this blog will have to suffice as a circle for now, though i look to the new year to bring more of us together.

so… the list:

• i am thankful that people i love are able to share their burden with me in times of great need. i am humbled and honoured by their faith in me.
• i am grateful for the people who love and support me even when i am grumpy, short, teary, angry, and frustrated. i am grateful for an activist community who “gets it”.
• despite the fact they make me crazy sometimes, i am comforted that my family is all still living and reasonably healthy.
• i am forever indebted to all the radicals who ever thought it possible to make change no matter what the odds or the consequences were. it may not have occurred to me to resist if there were not others who showed the way forward, and my ability to resist has kept me sane.
• and finally, i am in deep gratitude to the people who talk to trees, lovers who make me smile, co-workers to whom i can confide in, and the friends who distract me from more serious matters with movies and beer.

happy solstice everyone. and thanks to all of you who know who you are.

although things are no less fucked up than they were yesterday, i have managed to replace the sickly sliding into a black hole feeling with something resembling my normal self (though a very distracted and internally amped one). a cranial sacral treatment, a homeopathic remedy and a good night’s sleep appear to have curtailed the impending shatter, a event that would have been no use to anyone and quite possibly dangerous to myself.

two weeks tomorrow and everything so different from two weeks today, a world viewed through grey-tint and suspicion, a head full of howling memories, and an encrypted jaw wired shut at the source. this is the new life, in which i make sense of all things i didn’t see and try to bandage my own dreams. who knew that doors could slam shut as quick as this?

but here it is, the machine grinding foward grand juries and trials. february, march, and then? we will see what awaits on each date and afterwards – hold tight and wait – tick-ticking the time past zero until darren is allowed to come home, until the endlessness of courtrooms is over. will freedom be our reprieve?