Red Cedar

….tell me that it’s all going to be okay? it doesn’t feel like it right now.

i feel i should update but really have nothing to say. insomnia is wreaking havoc on my work, my self-esteem and my overall health. i took today off work after the 4th night of less than four hours sleep – i just stop functioning at this point. i didn’t drink any coffee today either (thinking perhaps i should cut it out entirely for awhile) – so i feel utterly drained at the moment. i’m off to victoria this weekend to see family (my birthday is next week, so it’s over there for birthday dinner and shopping).

i’m pretty sure i’ll get the sleep thing sorted out soon. in the meantime i’m doing a lot of writing on a project i abandoned several months ago which is exciting. writing is a lot like going to the gym for me – i have to force myself to it, but once i warm up i’m okay and i always feel great afterwards.

the groundhogs say early spring. hopefully that means the rain will stop for a day or two.

finally feel like i have got through a lot of waiting work on the mental desk – overhauled darren’s support site, prettied up chelsea’s ….. wrote a bunch of email, answered a few requests…. of course, there is still more to do this weekend to actually tie up all the loose ends that have sprung in the last few weeks, but i’m feeling a bit closer to finished at the moment. if you are someone in the ether expecting a response to a personal email i apologize for ignoring you – support work is very immediately demanding, though it will die down soon in the long foot-drag towards trial.

as this sunday opens the year of the dog, and darren’s birth year is dog – i decided to increase my chances of an auspiscious new year (in connection with my dog brother) by handing out chocolate coins to my co-workers – i figure a little magic can’t hurt right now and it made for a great excuse to eat chocolate. if only i could post a few treats in the mail to inverness jail – but for some reason the prison system frowns upon the sending of consumables to prisoners. oh well, money in darren’s commissary can buy him a chocolate bar if he wants it.

i am considering a trip to bella coola again this summer, the possibility of being up on that part of the coast in july seems a ripe and welcoming fruit after a hard winter. if there is anyone out there interested in such a journey, please let me know, as there may be space in my car if i do decide to drive. july seems far off at the moment, but i know about the need to reserve time to savour a roadtrip across the plateau and see friends like old family in the cradle of mountains – a rendezvous worth promising and keeping!

writing and writing, i have been pumping out so much written material in the last few weeks, and even working on a short story during the in-between. i’m finding something in this, something capable and interesting. i am watching to see where it leads because i know at the end i will be different again.

one more thing:

i had a dream early this morning that i woke up in my house, and it felt like someone had been there, had been intimate with me while i slept and had knocked things over on their way out. when i arose, i started to walk through rooms, noting where changes had been made and things were tossed about. as i walked through my house, i found that the rooms were bigger than i remembered and full of things which belonged to the previous tenant. i was at once startled by these things, but also annoyed that the person hadn’t yet come back to claim them and get them out of my house – as though i knew they were there, but had forgotten about an arrangement once made. this was an unpleasant dream, and i was disquieted by it through the morning.

so i looked this up in some dream dictionaries online and as far as i can interpret: the shifting house suggests i am going through personal changes with regards to beliefs – i suspect the key symbol there would be the items belonging to former residents (not mine, but still in my possession), and the fact i believed my house and body to have been broken into would suggest a violation of the person ongoing but also could mean that some aspects of myself (once denied) may be coming to the fore. i believe all of these things are true right now, as this feels like a time of powerful change for me.

my body is definitely telling me i need to prioritize exercise, stretching, and meditation today. suddenly i just feel so *unhealthy* which i’m sure correlates to the lack of sleep and amount of smoking i have been doing over the past week or so. sheesh! it all catches up so quickly these days. i just made up a schedule for myself, that if i was disciplined would actually work. unfortunately it requires getting up at 4:30 in the morning (half hour earlier than i do now) to get in some stretching and qi gong before my shower.

as i said – this would require discipline i’m not sure i have in great supply at the moment. it also would require a less-than-erratic schedule… and looking at my work/union/social calendar for the next four months… it’s a doubtful proposition from that angle as well. turns out i’m going to be away from home quite a bit in february, march, april and may (harrison hotsprings, prince rupert, victoria 2 or 3 times, vancouver/new westminster and then toronto). i’m wondering though, if it wouldn’t be better to try to have some type of meditation/stretching/exercise schedule particularly *because* my schedule is promising to be crazy over the next little while. it might actually keep me on track (and away from drinking and other yuck things).

the only good thing about being on the road is i don’t usually find myself in a situation where i have to get up before sunrise – on the other hand, i often find myself eating badly and staying out late at the pub. it’s too easy when there’s all that socializing to do!

please remind me again why i can’t live a perfectly balanced and healthy life? oh yeah, not yet graced with enlightentment. right.

quickly – you do the math:

i live in the “West Vancouver-Sunshine Coast-Sea to Sky” riding (this includes Powell River, Gibsons, Sechelt, a bunch of islands, West Vancouver, Squamish and Whistler). my riding has a total population of 124, 572. please note – this is a *single* riding, with one elected MP.

PEI (the island-province on the other side of the country) which has a population of 138,000 includes *four* ridings. yes, that’s right… a population of approximatley the same size receives four members of parliament. in fact the “city” of Charlottetown with a population of 32,245 has one all to itself.

does anyone actually know how our ridings are supposed to be divided up? can you explain? because it’s sure as hell not rep by pop which is what i learned in school.