Post #3131: This week in making

I went into Vancouver yesterday for the funeral of a co-worker who I’ve known for over twenty years. She would have been fifty this month, but has had breast cancer now for several years – and after a long hiatus in which it was believed she was in full remission – it came back with some ferocity and she succumbed last week. Because she was one of those big personalities and touched a lot of lives the funeral was well attended and I saw a lot of work people there, some retired, who I haven’t seen in a long time. That was a nice aspect of an otherwise sad day. The service itself was pretty heavy on the “come to jesus” talk, since she belonged to an evangelical church. That part I could have done without. Towards the end of the sermon the preacher literally said that only those who had accepted Jesus would one day see A. again – and the rest of us should think about whether we were ready to open ourselves to the Lord right at that moment. It seemed like a kind of bereavement blackmail to me – but I suppose that’s how recruiting churches work.

I’ve been trying to get back to the studio after a month of hosting and travelling and generally not being interested in being inside – but it’s so far been a bit of a struggle and part of that is clearing project backlog from earlier in the summer. In the last couple of weeks I have finished up a few things.

First – there are many bags:

 

Inside of the gift bag – I feel like inline zip pockets are a major leveling up in bag making:

 

I also finished some major piecing work on the quilt I started in June with all thirty-six log cabin squares done and put together. I plan to piece the border as well, which will take a bit – but  this represents a major part of the construction:

I plan to have this one professionally quilted so I expect this won’t be finished until after Christmas because long-arm quilters are usually fully booked from Sept to December.

And finally, I learned to properly miter a corner this week and finished a set of eleven everyday linen napkins for our table:

Now that all of those projects are out of the way I’m ready to return to garment sewing. I have some very 1970s dreams at the moment – of mid-calf skirts and wide flood-length pants with tall boots. That stuff feels a bit too fashion-y for Gabriola – but it’s what I am planning on anyway. I’ve also promised Brian a new work bag since he wore the last one I made him right out (it had holes in it and I made him throw it away). I’m planning on something a bit advanced with lots of zippers and D-rings for that so stay tuned!

Post #3130: We are all disappearing

After I turned forty, I started to become invisible. At forty-five, this process has become undeniable – as a woman past a certain age, I have to make an effort to be seen.

There are some definite advantages to this. On a trip to New York last summer, the border agent did not even look at me, let alone ask a single question. I travelled through airports without anyone trying to make eye contact or buy me a drink. On another occasion in the gym a few months ago, I felt self-conscious about lifting weights in the same space as some eighteen year old boys – until I realized that they couldn’t see me at all and I could pretty much have stripped naked and done push-ups in front of them without the slightest tremor to shake their adolescent narcissism.

More generally, how I dress, and the length of time between haircuts goes unnoticed by pretty much everyone; and it probably goes without saying that I can now be friends with men without tension. This is partly age, and partly the fact I am solidly and happily married, ie: safe. Also, people have stopped asking me when I’m going to have children.

On the other hand, wait staff in restaurants treat middle-aged women on their own terribly. This means to be not only ignored, but in some cases I have been refused an available table and deposited in the corner at the bar, even though I am short and hate sitting at the bar more than anything. I know from working in restaurants when I was young that there is a perception that middle-aged women don’t tip and thus are subject to worse services as a result (this, you might note, is a self-fulfilling prophecy). After a certain age, women’s health complaints are simply chalked up to either being fat, or lacking the right hormones. And unless we aggressively pursue our careers, we are more likely to stall out at this point, senior in our knowledge but no longer sought for new projects in the way our male colleagues of the same age are.

I am told by male friends that they too undergo this process in part, but it seems to happen about a decade later. I wonder how much this is connected to pheromones broadcasting our fertility/virility – as the forties are when most women start to edge around menopause, while men don’t enter andropausal states until their mid to late fifties.

If this is the case, I expect I will be pretty much transparent by the time I reach fifty-three, as that is when I predict my menopausal transition will have ended. I know that I am just at the beginning of a process, one designed to show women how un-needed we are once we can no longer produce children.

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After I turned forty, I noticed something else started to happen – which is that I suddenly became visible to women much older than me. (My hair has been almost completely grey since around that time, and since that transition I am often placed as older.) While I was working on my Master’s degree, it seemed that the older women around suddenly took me and my life experiences seriously when I talked, and they more readily shared their stories with me.

At the time I told Brian, “It’s as though a door has swung open, and there’s a party going on that no one told me about.” I noticed, in contrast to one of my classmates who is a decade younger, I had entered into a different phase of community with older women, that she was still outside of.

While I am perceived as “young” in the community where I now live (the average age is 58 on Gabriola), I am no longer seen as having no life experience, and I notice when I go to volunteer in the community, there is an easiness in talking with women in their seventies and eighties that never existed in my younger life. They tell me about their children who have died, the sudden arthritis that challenges their independence, the husbands who no longer exist, the careers they once had.

Is it because I listen differently now? I’m sure that’s at least a part of it. I don’t feel the need to be somewhere else most of the time, and I see that my future lies in these stories – they are guideposts to survival when the unspeakable things of life happen (as they surely will). But I also think that my grey hair is the flag of a ship which has changed course towards another shore.

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We laugh at women who make themselves up extravagantly in their forties to attract younger men (such are the constant jokes about “cougars”). Ha ha. But the onset of invisibility reminds us that there is only death at the end; the start of this process terminates with complete and utter disappearance.

Perhaps forty is too early to begin this contemplation and this sexual acting out is a form of denial – not unlike the trope of the man in his mid-fifties who purchases a ridiculous sports car and younger wife. I’ve served these men in fancy places where I once worked – and they live up to all the obnoxiousness of their stereotype. We think he’s pretty funny too – but we can’t put our finger on quite exactly why it makes us cringe to see it.

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Our little boats bob along this journey, one that has no straight course in the wide open sea. As one aspect of our life becomes unavailable, another becomes possible, but only if we re-set our sights, and let loose some of our sails. Or to put it another way, hurtling towards an external and public mid-life crisis is not the only way to deal with the disregard for middle aged and older people.

Perhaps my growing invisibility gives me permission to turn inward, focus less on the fertile youth I am leaving behind, and take my place in the community of older women to which I increasingly belong. Perhaps this is what it means to become lighter and lighter, letting go of the layers until we are nothing at all.

Post #3129: A knock and a walk

Lives are so layered – when I think back over my forty-five years of life on the planet, I feel like a whole different person lived my teenage years, my twenties, and even some of my thirties.

And that is okay, that is just how it is – I don’t feel un-integrated as a person, but that each of those whole/separate selves is a part of of the greater me.

Sometimes though, the past comes knocking and the former self is jarred back into existence. Just a little bit. This morning the eco-radical me from past days did just that in the form of a text message from an old friend.

That, plus the hints of autumn in the air have me feeling deeply nostalgic for a time when I was out in the woods a lot more than I am these days.

It’s a good thing that the present me had the sense and ability to move out of the city a couple of years ago. A forest walk awaits me when my working day is done!

Post #3128: Taking myself seriously

The problem is, I don’t take myself seriously. Not as a writer, not as a maker, not even as a union president. It’s bizarre really – at the age of 45 to be so sure that no one wants to listen to me – contrary to all available evidence. Someone suggested to me recently that this is the patriarchy in action, and I think that’s right. I never hear men around me ask the question of whether their work has worth. They just seem to *know* that it does.

I’m not sure I want that feeling exactly – I think too many men think the world wants their work when it doesn’t and I don’t want to be like that. On the other hand it would be nice to do just about anything without having to plumb the depths of my psyche first. While I don’t want to lose a sense of humour about myself (not that kind of serious), I do want to make way for going to the next level, and stop talking myself out of everything before it happens.

I am setting new goals for the fall because September seems to demand it. There is here a writing, a making, and a work goal – each acting on a specific intention that I have been exploring in the past couple of weeks:

  • Allow 3-6 hours per week for reading and writing practice
  • Start working towards some kind of textile show and sale instead of getting rid of things the minute they are finished
  • Make meetings happen – stop asking for permission to have them

My spiritual goal remains the same as always – keep showing up, no matter what happens.

Post #3127: Changing landscapes

I remember the first time I saw the impact of pine beetle in British Columbia. It must have been around 1999 or so and I was driving on the number three highway through the southern part of the province with my mom. In between Manning Park and Princeton, BC there was a stand of what looked to be red-needled pine trees down in the valley just past Allison Summit.

I commented to my mother about the strange colour of that grove, standing out against all the green and she said – “Oh yeah, I read something about that in the newspaper recently. Some disease that’s infecting trees – I can’t remember much about it.”

As anyone who lives in this province knows, in less than three years, huge swaths of the forests in southern BC turned red and died, the result of decades of poor forestry practices (mono-cropped pine) and emergent warmer winters that allowed the mountain pine beetle to live year-round, with an unstoppable hunger for wood.

After I saw that first stand of dying trees, it wasn’t long before I saw the next and next stand over. By the early 2000s, the pine-beetle damage was continuous in long stretches from Hope all the way through to Princeton. From Kamloops through to Quesnel.

I was deeply involved in environmental activism at this time, and spent a lot of time out of doors – and I mourned the changing landscape deeply. Though it’s not that these were intact forests. Much of the southern province was logged right to the ground from the forties to sixties – this modern die-off was of the lodgepole pine plantings that had replaced the once mixed forests of the interior.

I’ve spent enough time in those pine plantings (including the ones around our cabin) to know that even without pine beetle, this was and is heavy damaged land. Unwell and unhealthy. Trees planted in such close proximity that they could only grow straight up, as thin as a rolled up newspaper in many cases. An understory choked by dense shade thrown by a single tree culture of that didn’t allow for any deciduous growth to provide annual nutrients in the form of leaf mulch to the forest floor. Those so-called forests were already sick; pine beetle simply finished them off.

The only answer to the crisis, according to the BC Forest Service, was to log it all again. Which has been done in many places, with replanting underway. In addition to logging, there have been numerous fires taking advantage of the dead and dry timber, which have lapped the bio-region from 2003 onward. It’s been twenty years of changing landscape in the interior south – a part of the province that I consider another one aspect of my homebase.

Forestry practices, pine beetle, and climate change are things I think a lot about when I’m up at the Link Lake cabin, not far outside of Princeton. It’s twenty years later and the damage is still evident here, even more so because this area wasn’t so ruthlessly salvage-logged due to the poor quality of the wood plantings in our area.

I’ve spent my most recent trip to the cabin reading works by Gary Snyder and Robin Wall Kimmerer – two great ecological writers – and doing work on the trails above our small cabin lot.

The skies are smoke-filled, as they are everywhere, due to massive fires from Northern BC to California. As I’m sure you all know from the news, we’re supposed to be surprised at this “sudden” turn to “Hothouse Earth” in the last couple of years, and somewhat indignant at how its ruining our summer vacations.

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We’ve owned this small plot of land for five years now, and have built a woodshed, an outhouse, and a cabin on it. It’s just 1/3 of an acre in size – tiny for a rural property – but big enough for a place to land a few of us for a week at a time. We are in lake territory which means swimming in the summer and ice-fishing in the winter, not to mention hunting, hiking and snowshoeing.

Although our lot is small, we are lucky to be surrounded by a significant amount of crown land. Thousands of hectares, all of it logged flat in the 1940s and replaced with shitty pine of a single variety. There are a few reminders of the massive old-growth forests which once stood here, including two ancient Douglas fir trees which stand just inside our property line. I’m not sure why they were spared, but I am glad to have them sentinel to our existence in an otherwise blighted forest.

Up the hill from us there are a few other spared giants, but mostly the hills are a chessboard of clear-cuts and dying reforestation attempts. Despite the heavy damage to the land, there is still a fair amount of wildlife in the form of deer, moose, cougar, black bear and even the occasional grizzly. We have followed their trails up into the cuts since coming here, finding our way to disused logging roads which have overgrown to the perfect footpath width. These human and wild trails have spurred us over the last few years to do small forest work of our own kind, assisted and encouraged by the efforts of our friend Will who is eternally land-tidying and trail-building.

This is not the mindless work of taking out whole acres of trees at a time, but of selecting the deadest standing and getting them out of the way in order to clear trail and create spaces for human-use (for walking and sitting), as well as providing the possibility for wild ecosystem to re-emerge.

The approach taken up here post-logging (which was still active the first time we came to look at this land), seems to be to allow the rest of the dead pine to die off naturally, and allow clear cuts to come back in their own time with a smattering of fir trees planted on dry hillsides. While we can do little to arrest the neglect of this land by the forest companies, we have seen what a small amount of tending can do for the ecosystem over just a handful of years.

For example, the old trails we have cleared of wood debris are now littered with the hoof prints of moose and deer, in a way that they weren’t when we first came here. Animals, like humans, will always take the path of least resistance – and human assistance in trail clearing is one way to give them passage.

Likewise, the spots in which we have cleared away deadfall – so thick you couldn’t walk over it without the possibility of breaking an ankle – have come back in green groundcover: kinnickinnic, wild strawberry, lupins and grasses which now have the potential to give way to aspens and alder before more conifers take hold.

On our own property, which many of us have worked to clear selectively and by hand, we can see how the native spruce and fir have rushed in to claim the space. There is no shortage of groundwater here to feed these species, but until now they have been crowded out and starved of sunlight by the malignant pine. Slowly and surely we can see that even our puny efforts have an ecosystem impact in the right direction.

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It seems a bit futile though, to write about this even in the knowledge that this land will most likely be touched by fire in the next decade, no matter the attention that we bring to it. It seems at the moment that no part of western North America will escape as each year brings a fire season more frightening and widespread than the last. “It seems” being the operative here of course – as we do not know what things will happen and in what order exactly, and we could have 50 more years before this particular patch in this particular mountain range is touched.

It’s in the absence of this knowing, this ability to predict exactly, that we insert ourselves. The less fuel available among the live trees may help save them. Work to assist wetlands up in the hills may provide a respite for animals in the event of a forest-wide catastrophe. We don’t really know what will happen or what is possible – and despair only turns me inward, so it’s outward I must look.

This passage leaps out at me as I read late in the night:

“It is an odd dichotomy we have set for ourselves, between loving people and loving land. We know that loving a person has agency and power – we know that it can change everything. Yet we act as if loving the land is an internal affair that has no energy outside the confines of our head and heart.” Robin Wall Kimmerer, Burning Cascade Head (from Braiding Sweetgrass)

It’s an incantation that I have carried with me this week as I walk, slowly up the hill, with a machete, a saw and a picnic lunch for a day of trying to tend a forest back to life. Just like in human relationships, we do not know how our love will land and what impact it will have. We have to live with that uncertainty, I suppose, which is the order of the day no matter where we find ourselves right now.