Red Cedar

I’m having one of those anxiety days – an inability to shake the feeling that everything in my life has to change right now and there’s too much to do and I’m pushing myself too hard and failure must be right around the corner and… and… and…… what the hell am I doing with my life anyway!?

It’s not helping that I can ennumerate the possible causes of this state – hormones, too-little sleep on the weekend, the fact I have barely been home in the past month, lots of external pressures to perform at work and in my union….. of course I’m a bit anxious! But knowing the causes is doing little to minimize the internal pressure that literally makes me want to bolt from the office and sign up for some type of 12-step life-coaching that will help me find the answers to all my dilemmas. If only!

And I know better, of course – realize that overthinking does not help, that decisions will be made as they need to be, that direction in life is shaped by a combinations of other events, people and moments yet to come. It’s just hard to quiet the monkey mind on days like this – give myself a break….

On a more positive note, my visit to Victoria this weekend was good – I spent most of my time with Greg, but also managed to fit in a day with my parents which was well-received by them. I am starting to feel comfortable with the feeling that this relationship isn’t going to suddenly end… though I’m way too cynical to make any declarative statements at this point. What I do know is that the time we spend together is incredibly easy, we have lots in common when it comes to taste in music, movies and politics, we have good physical chemistry, and communicating with each other is straightforward. I also know that when we separate, I am left with a feeling of absence, as though something is suddenly missing or my house has abruptly emptied.

And perhaps that is part of the anxiety as well. Agh! Feelings! I don’t have time to deal with those…..

For the meantime, since I can’t deal with everything that is overwhelming me – I will focus the next two days on laundry, packing, and reading my convention documents before I get on the plane to Toronto. I’m pretty sure that come the new moon (thursday), this anxiety will subside dramatically (gotta love being governed by astronomical shifting), and I’ll be able to relax and enjoy what I’ve got going on (which is a lot, and mostly really good).

Took Greg to the Field Rd. airstrip this morning to see him off, have had a day to clean up and putter about since his departure – all ready for the week of work ahead, and feeling I can just relax for the evening. Realized moments ago, while eating a veggie burger, that I feel better right now than I have since my crazy 14-day marathon of work and union started three weeks ago. Night and day, I am amazed at how that shift can occur almost unnoticeably, though this weekend did hold some restorative energy I needed to propel it.

As for the visit, it went by quickly and was full of lots of nice moments visiting with friends at Jasmyn and Kevin’s wedding, eating good food, listening to good music, watching movies, imbibing in drink and smoke, and of course all the physical attention I lack from my life in a regular basis. Our approach to weekends together is one of having a holiday and just giving in to all the laziness and decadence that implies – remarkable to achieve that so easily, and at the same time suprising it seems such a rarity. A lot of factors are a part of what makes this so, but it always feels to me when we come together that we are meeting at the same place and on the same level – the connection is clean and not complicated by shoulds, ifs and whens. I am starting to wonder if this type of acceptance is actually what a relationship can be, or if it necessarily has to change because of social expectation and misplaced emotional need. I would like to believe it is possible to live differently from what we have been taught (I’m an anarchist for a reason after all), but I recognize the amount of internal work required to keep those things in check.

In general these days, I feel more able to accept what is, rather than what I wish it would be. Since the personal and political cataclysm of December 7th, my understanding of the importance of the moment has deepened considerably and I find myself seeking solace in what I have right now rather than what might or might not happen in a week or a month or a year. This doesn’t mean I have given up in looking forward or making plans, but just not at the expense of the continual living that every day brings. If I wasn’t able to make this peace in myself, particularly right now, I’m sure the struggle with Darren and others would be that much more difficult to handle – as it is, I have to constantly remind myself of the parameters with which we are dealing as a way of accepting the situation and continuing to live with as little fear and anger as possible.

Back at work tomorrow and the post-holiday schedule ramps up for the next month. Hoping to find more blogging time than I have recently – but who knows? every day seems to be busy right now.