Red Cedar

For all the usual moon-related reasons, I am finding myself increasingly irritable this week, to the degree that I have now had to wall out my co-workers with louder and louder music through the headphones. Cocooned by indyrock and glued to my computer monitor with the pretense of working so intently I can’t participate in the distractions – I’m relying on this strategy to get me through until tomorrow when I can get a bit of a break from it. It’s not their fault, and I realize that – i’m feeling acutely my inability to relax – but in the meantime I don’t want to do or say something assholish. So I’m basically pretending to be a decent human on a day when I most decidedly do not feel like one. Of course, this monthly phase is always compounded by the fact I also appear intensely ugly to myself as well – and I can only suck it up for the 2 or 3 days I go through it and know it will soon pass (as in – Saturday can’t come too soon).

At least I have been getting good sleeps (albeit with bizarre dreams) in the last couple of nights. That definitely alleviates some of the stresses that seem to be pressing on me (work, union, jail support – all demanding a lot of thinking and writing and talking right now). And it has been nice to be going home on a regular schedule all week and spending nights in my own bed. I have found an increasing ambivalence about my home when I am on the road, but as soon as I get some solid time there, I realize how much I don’t really want to move and want to keep working on the place and making it more “mine”.

Got my passport application signed yesterday by my lawyer and the biography and project materials into the union they asked for and heard back today they are happy for all that. A good friend of mine told me last week he was disappointed that I was selected to go on the human rights tour and not him and now it seems that he is not really talking to me at all this week which does cause me some fretting even though I also recognize I haven’t done anything wrong and he’s probably just getting over his own issues (he has age, and more political power on his side, I think he was surprised by the outcome). I think I might be projecting a little because I worry so much about what other people think of me – and because so often my successes have been met with back-stabbing behaviour by others (so much so that I’m actually afraid to tell some members of my local executive about being selected for this tour).

I guess the objective – particularly as I want to run for higher union office – is to develop more confidence in myself and not let the unfounded criticisms of others stress me out so much (while still being able to hear constructive criticism and counter political analysis without getting defensive – that balance)…..

The past six months of having a lot of my political world torn apart and doing the support work has made me more brave rather than more fearful in general – because as I recently realized – I have been and will keep surviving this with as much integrity as possible. This is probably a lesson best extrapolated to other political arenas and life experiences in general.

The more I figure this stuff out the easier it is to be me.

And hopefully the less irritable I will be.

Happy Turtle Day everyone!

I’m back in the office today after an absence of a week between the trip back east and the long weekend – and it’s remarkable how much I don’t feel like being here at all. I’ve got a lot of work to get through in the next couple of weeks, I’m behind on everything I’m supposed to be on top of, and I got almost no sleep last night (plus, I just had the ugliest passport photo ever taken).

I have also been feeling a bit of the support-work stress the last few days for various reasons – which surprises me because I thought I had internally resolved a lot of my feelings about Darren and this situation – though apparently not and old things are coming to the surface suddenly. Last night mid-conversation with Greg I found myself incredibly angry about something, so much so that I had to get off the phone because I was so emotionally taken by it. Strange. Must be monthly-timing plus exhaustion in general making my skin a bit thinner.

The weekend was pretty good, however, and I really enjoyed being home for four whole days in a row and managed to get lots done – cleaned the house, put in one of the garden beds, ran errands, started a new quilt, and entertained guests – so I’m feeling a bit more connected to my home again (I’ve been feeling a bit homeless with all the traveling and suitcases lately). Of course this weekend I am going to Victoria again… which is another kindof home for me in any case (parents, old friends, Greg, apartment I am comfortable in)…….

Once I finally finish up with my garden (it needs more wood chips), I’ll post some photos here. I’m most excited about the peony tree I bought – which is really a small shrub that makes beautiful flowers. Besides that I put in some lavendar, rosemary, poppies, delphiniums, mums, lupins, lucifer’s tounge, honeywort, yarrow and beebalm. Once it fills out and goes into bloom I think the bed will turn out quite nicely – thought it’s all a big experiment as I have never done a perennial bed before. In a couple of weeks I’ll lay down the last of the bark chips, and will hopefully have the rest of the upstairs deck planted with seeds and starters as well (i’ve already fixed up my front stairs with pots full of colourful flowers, which make for a cheery homecoming). Despite my lack of hometime, I still want it to be nice when I am there. Later this summer the project will be raised vegetable beds and getting my front stair fixed – both of which I will be paying a friend to do. Despite the fact I have almost no yard and a small place – there is still lots to work with somehow….

Well, I was unfortunately wrong about the Afghanistan vote in the house – but I found out on the same night that I have been chosen to go with the union delegation to Colombia in July. Now I have to rush and get my passport renewed, and put together some materials to support my appointment to the delegation.

As a result my house will be empty from the 28th of June until the 9th of July and I’m wondering if there are any folks out there who would like some downtime/housesitting in Gibsons during those days? Please let me know as I would love to turn my house over someone in need of a quiet community for a few days (otherwise I have to prevail on my neighbour to water the garden for me).

In the capital city on the eve of what could be a historic vote on the future of troops in Afghanistan and realizing belatedly that if I had been so inclined I could have gone around the corner to Parliament Hill to watch the debate live from the gallery. Looks like Harper is finally going to lose one if all the opposition parties actually do what they have indicated and vote against extending Canadian military involvement in the war-torn country by two years. Hopefully this is an indicator of further debates/votes on whether or not to deploy troops overseas – a small hope in an otherwise conservative morass that is seeping over the country.

Turns out there are a few union friends in town as well this week – a couple of staff from the Vancouver office and a couple politicos. Went for dinner with one of them last night and then met up with the rest for drinks afterwards. Ended up staying out way late and drinking too much and then capped that off by wandering around Ottawa in the rain for an hour with my friend Patrick. Didn’t get to bed until 2 in the morning and then for some reason woke up at 6 which made for a bit of a long day trying to stay sharp (and not get annoyed) during the meetings I was in today. As much as I hate the bureacracy back home, there is a horrid cynicism among those of our counterparts here in the centre. No wonder we’re such a mess when our “leaders” in the government are so hateful and unattached to their jobs.

I don’t think I have mentioned here before – but there is some potential I am going to Colombia in July for 2 weeks as part of a trade union delegation – my name having been submitted by those political leaders much higher up the food chain than me. I am still waiting to hear the official decision on whether I will be selected to go – but last night over drinks I received an indication that things are looking very favourably in my direction. Still, won’t get my hopes up until I get the official word – politics working in strange ways and not trustable in the interim – but I was somewhat heartened to realize that the hints flying in my direction were at least some positive message about where that discussion as going. This trip would be part of our ongoing commitment to meet with and provide international solidarity to the trade union movement in Colombia which is among the most persecuted in the world (death threats and killings of union leaders are not uncommon occurences there – in 2005 almost 40 trade unionists lost their lives to corporate thugs and paramilitaries). International unionists provide some monitoring and help to publicize the plight of those struggling to unionize and keep their movement for a civil society intact despite the brutal repression and fear they face – and I am honoured to have even had my name put forward to participate in such a movement to support the working class worldwide. Of course, I will post here as soon as I find out for sure of my involvement. In any case, it is a very good project for our union to be involved in.

I am waiting at the moment for Patrick to show up to go out for a bite to eat and some more wandering around in the rain and (possibly) drinking. We’ll see. At least I managed to get a nap after work today so I’m feeling a bit more chipper than I was earlier.

(PS: I would really recommend that people travelling to Ottawa stay away from the Capital Hill Inn and Suites unless you like stale 70s decor and a matress that hasn’t been changed in 2 decades. This was the only place I could find a room in town because of big events going on here – and it’s no wonder it was the only place left with rooms available when I booked. It’s so bad it’s actually funny – no one can accuse me of living high on the taxpayer dollar while working on this trip.)