Red Cedar

I don’t want to become one of those people who only blog about work – but geez… I feel like I’m doing nothing but working these days. I’m leaving shortly to pick my car up from the mechanic and then head out to the airport for Ottawa. I have been so pressed for time lately that the only way I could facilitate getting my muffler replaced (it’s got a big nasy hole that is making all sorts of rattling noises) was to schedule it in on my way out of town – and that sums up a lot of my life right now – trying to fit one thing in on top of another and hoping it doesn’t all collapse. My flight back is booked so late that I’m not even sure I will make it home to the Sunshine Coast Thursday night….

Being on the road so much lately has found me toying with the idea of moving back to the city – as I’m increasingly disconnected from where I live and haven’t been finding the time to put into my house… But when I do find myself at home for a couple of unbroken days (as I did this past weekend), I can’t imagine why I would ever want to move off the coast – finding myself looking forward to ocean swimming and kayaking soon – warm nights having drinks on the deck and enjoying the clean air and bonniebrook sunsets…. I am torn, really, between wanting both a convenient life and a relaxed place to live. I’m giving myself a year to see how my life is actually going to unfold – how much travel, how much work/union, whether or not I’m in a relationship – before I make any decisions about moving. I will say this however – if this travel pace continues – I will have to do something to make it easier on myself.

Have talked with Darren a few times on the telephone since I came back from Toronto – finally! It’s hard to be so disconnected and know there are decisions that need to be made and discussions which need to be had. There is some movement in his case right now which is pointing us in a particular direction – and makes things somewhat easier. Lots is still up in the air of course – but Darren is taking the steps he needs to in order to resolve his situation in the best way possible. I wrote a bunch of thank-you letters to folks who have sent donations yesterday – feeling like some sort of ecowarrior emily post – all up on the etiquette for the prisoner support crew.

And finally, before I take off – I updated my Tribe.net profile today – and I’m noticing that I have very few “friends” unlike some other people I am linked to. I feel left out of the network revolution! If you read this blog regularly and have a tribe profile please Tribe me – link to my profile is here:
http://people.tribe.net/4597ec78-9ac0-40d6-a878-1033a864c068

I’m going to try and keep this updated while I’m away this time – these long absences in blog-posting are bad for readership!

I am having a realization today as I sort through the last two weeks of email, cancel planned holidays and book another trip east for a work presentation… and I think it’s worth noting so I don’t forget this in the next few months which are slowly booking themselves solid around my dayplanner.

But before I get to the realization – a preface on my current state – which is tired and a bit frustrated. I find myself ungrounded by the amount of time I have been spending away from home recently. Whether work, union, or socializing – I have been away three out of the last four weekends and at least two weeks out of each of the last two months. I just got back from ten days in Toronto, leave again for Ottawa on Monday, and then again on the 6th of June. I have a three-day workshop booked for mid-June in Victoria and am waiting to find out about a trade union delegation I might be on for the first two weeks of July. And of course, because I am not around so much, I try to spend whatever “free” time I can with G. on the island or visiting friends in the city.

I am feeling out of touch with people in my life, and worse than that, like there is something wrong with me because I am disconnected from “home”. I feel guilty for going to the island rather than tending to my house, but at the same time I want to follow my instincts and see where they take me (both union and workwise – things are very interesting for me right now) rather than putting limitations on what i should and shouldn’t be doing…… And the boy – well he’s an enjoyable distraction worth eschewing the garden for more weekends than not…..

So – the realization (and this comes out of two days of conversation with G. which I am finding useful in putting all the pieces together)…. is that things right now are just hectic and probably not changing anytime soon, and that to beat myself up over how much I stay at home or travel is just torturing myself needlessly. The fact is, my priorities are divided by location at the moment, and that will lend itself to a certain amount of being on the road. Why I feel guilty about traveling for work is beyond me, because in honest asseessment, I am very excited by the national project I am engaged in and want to do what I can to facilitate its progress to the next level – which is part of the reason for the sudden increase in airmiles.

I think at root I worry about distracting myself from “what really matters” when what really matters is in the appreciation of whatever it is we are doing (work, play or otherwise). Really, as long as I can find enough rest and relaxation inside the constant flow around me, what other people think about the way I am conducting my life doesn’t really matter, and I should be happy to have the opportunities to express myself, expand and learn. I don’t think that means I have to learn to love hotel rooms, but I don’t have to resent every minute spent in an airport either……

How obvious is that – it’s all in how I approach it…. and I’ve got to stop hating myself for the fact the gutters need cleaning and the weeds need whacking. Geez. It’s that simple.