Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
This could make the Internet good again.
Check it out – it’s worth installing on your machine (hopefully it doesn’t turn out to be spyware….) – Stumble Upon – I’m sure it will start sucking and being full of advertising at some point – but in it’s infancy it makes a pretty nice randomizing surf tool.
Impulsivity.
I just bought a ticket to Victoria for the weekend. To see Greg. Even though I am leaving for Toronto on Wednesday afternoon and have things to prepare and even though I just saw him last weekend.
I’m being impulsive – and somewhat irresponsible. But they say it’s better to regret the things you have done, than the things you haven’t done – so tomorrow after work I am going to the island until Monday morning. I plan to see my parents and other friends while I am there to offset the fact I am spending $200 to see my lover when I should be resting and getting ready for union convention……
This vague/emerging relationship thing might be making me soft in the head. Any opinions? Am I in trouble?
Things to pay attention to.
Not that most of you would notice, but since the Tories took power canada.gc.ca has been turned from a neutral portal promoting Canadian government departments and services into a partisan propaganda tool. Take a visit and you will see that not only is Tory blue splashed everywhere on the screen, but all of a sudden instead of being able to find “Information for Canadians” we are being exhorted to “Write the Troops” and read about how Harper is saving childcare. Instead of fact-based information provided by non-party aligned sources, many of the links on the homepage lead back to the Prime Minister’s own website!
Why is this surprising? Well historically there has always been a clear separation between Canadian politicians and Canadian government departments – the idea being that the bureaucracy is to form the mainstay of program and service delivery and thus can not be on the whirligig that is the four-year term of office in the electoral cycle. This separation is incredibly important to a functioning democracy as it is designed to bring stability and some modicum of neutrality to government day to day – something political parties are not known for.
While I recognize this separation has not ever been as clean as it should be, this latest attempt to take control of all government information channels and stamp them with the new “don’t fuck with us” motto (and yes, they are making a move to have all government websites redesigned with the new look and header) is not only unprecedented, but somewhat frightening. Canada re-branded? Not by Harper please…..
What is.
Took Greg to the Field Rd. airstrip this morning to see him off, have had a day to clean up and putter about since his departure – all ready for the week of work ahead, and feeling I can just relax for the evening. Realized moments ago, while eating a veggie burger, that I feel better right now than I have since my crazy 14-day marathon of work and union started three weeks ago. Night and day, I am amazed at how that shift can occur almost unnoticeably, though this weekend did hold some restorative energy I needed to propel it.
As for the visit, it went by quickly and was full of lots of nice moments visiting with friends at Jasmyn and Kevin’s wedding, eating good food, listening to good music, watching movies, imbibing in drink and smoke, and of course all the physical attention I lack from my life in a regular basis. Our approach to weekends together is one of having a holiday and just giving in to all the laziness and decadence that implies – remarkable to achieve that so easily, and at the same time suprising it seems such a rarity. A lot of factors are a part of what makes this so, but it always feels to me when we come together that we are meeting at the same place and on the same level – the connection is clean and not complicated by shoulds, ifs and whens. I am starting to wonder if this type of acceptance is actually what a relationship can be, or if it necessarily has to change because of social expectation and misplaced emotional need. I would like to believe it is possible to live differently from what we have been taught (I’m an anarchist for a reason after all), but I recognize the amount of internal work required to keep those things in check.
In general these days, I feel more able to accept what is, rather than what I wish it would be. Since the personal and political cataclysm of December 7th, my understanding of the importance of the moment has deepened considerably and I find myself seeking solace in what I have right now rather than what might or might not happen in a week or a month or a year. This doesn’t mean I have given up in looking forward or making plans, but just not at the expense of the continual living that every day brings. If I wasn’t able to make this peace in myself, particularly right now, I’m sure the struggle with Darren and others would be that much more difficult to handle – as it is, I have to constantly remind myself of the parameters with which we are dealing as a way of accepting the situation and continuing to live with as little fear and anger as possible.
Back at work tomorrow and the post-holiday schedule ramps up for the next month. Hoping to find more blogging time than I have recently – but who knows? every day seems to be busy right now.
Crushed out.
This isn’t the real post I had started before either, but I thought it would be much more fun to write about my crush on Greg than finish the post titled “Weary the struggle”. I’m just not in the mood for psychoanalyzing my activism at the moment, and I think we’ve all be picked apart enough over the past few months.
But really, I am finding myself more and more in a state I can only describe as “crushed out” though that seems somewhat inappropriate seeing as we have been sleeping together on and off over the past year. Isn’t the crush part supposed to happen in the beginning? The giddiness, the sweaty palms, the catch in the breath…. it should have worn off by now, but instead it’s really only started in the past couple of months – during which time our friendship has stabilized into a daily IM chat, occasional phone calls, and some sense that we might make plans besides weekends spent in bed.
It’s like we have just passed the dating three-month mark – you know, that point where you decide whether or not you’re going to keep seeing someone…. you figure you know enough to predict whether there is a possible future (or whether the other person simply has too many weird habits to get used to). It makes sense it took us a year to get here since we have probably spent as much time together as two people living in the same city might over a three-month period…. and suddenly I find myself so pleased when we make plans to visit, missing him in the lull-times, nervous with desire. And although I have had other lovers in the four-years since Darren and have enjoyed them very much, this romantic edginess feels different – feels much more possible (and at the same time risky!)
I will confess, at times I think I should put an end to it right now. I am terrified of heartbreak, and the crush-state is a reminder of forgotten vulnerabilities. Darren comes to mind often, a heartbreak of individual and political magnitude that never wholly ceased and re-opens with every call or letter from prison. But as much as I would like to think of myself as being hard-hearted and able to detach from an uncertain situation, I’m not at all like that – being someone who feels everything acutely – a trait I have grown comfortable with (finally!)
Besides, I like the euphoria of the fledgling relationship, the uncertainty and silliness of it, the ridiculousness of a me who doesn’t want to say good night on AIM and who will spend all of today fidgeting until I meet him on the float plane dock at five. A girl of 33 dying out the premature grey, wearing mandarin orange essential oil and a short jean skirt – crushes give me the excuse to be cute again in a way professional and activist life do not…. provide me with a diversion from difficult things…. and give me new avenues for physical expression. Feeling glad but still hesitant — and of course, not overthinking because that just ruins a good crush in the end.
Oh, yes, crushed out is good (even the scary parts).
Red Cedar 