Red Cedar

Picked up my passport today (after having it re-printed because the photo in the first version was so dark as to be unreadable), ordered my travel insurance, and have started trying to figure out the housesit. Two weeks or two months, it seems the same amount of preparation is needed…. and I always get antsy as hell – not because I’m nervous – but because I just want to get going and stop thinking about passport control and border crossings and bag searches and customs agents….. which really is enough to stop one from traveling all together (though I’m already thinking about where to go in the fall – so it’s obviously not that much of a hindrance).

I’ve also got to get my nomination forms together in the next few days for the union position I am running for – just so I don’t miss any deadlines while I’m away. I have been wavering a bit on running again, just because I want to focus a bit more on running for the national bargaining team this fall, but have decided that these are not mutually exclusive activities and since I’ll probably lose this election anyhow it doesn’t matter too much. There is a little nastiness going on with a couple individuals on my local executive this week that I am trying to deal with by displaying as much grace as I can possibly stomach (having integrity isn’t the problem – but being nice to people being jerks is). At least the two people who are doing the sniping at my back are the same two people who always complain about me – which I can only chalk up to the fact I have been somewhat successful in the past few years, and they see that as a direct threat to their own interests. Like most things in life, there is not much I can do about it.

Funny though, even though I’ve been having all this good activity and good things coming – I’ve been rather sad lately. I can’t quite figure out why – though I think it has something to do with love… I find myself very angry about it at times…. which may be why I’m diverting as much as possible into being busy. I just feel impossible in love – I’m not good at it and I’d rather I didn’t have such a great capacity for ending up in it…. *sigh*… oh woe – what is the matter with me? And no, nothing has happened to Greg – everything is fine – I’m just a bit on edge about things and jumping the gun on predicting failure. (yes it’s stupid).

See – diversion is good – navel gazing about relationship is bad. So now I’m off to drink beers with union women.

I can’t believe I have neglected this blog for over a week! I’m blaming it on the hectic pace of the last few days and the fact I’ve been exhausted during my downtime. I’m back at work today and tired from the weekend – and I leave for Colombia in 10 days – so I’m hoping to get a little chill time before then.

I’m scrambled at the moment – work kicking my ass and wondering what the hell I’m doing trying to be in three places all the time. I’m tired, bone-tired, from airtime and ferries and crappy food and having to be permanently on-guard as I navigate airports and traffic. I need more than a good night’s sleep at this point – but unfortunately the break from everything isn’t going to be a possibility until later this summer.

I know this sounds like complaining but really, it’s not – I’m not unhappy, and generally speaking I would rather be engaged with the world than sitting around at home being “bored”. On the other hand, I’m not sure I can sustain the daily commuting if I am also traveling one or two weeks of the month – and I’m feeling a strong desire to “collapse” my life back into a single municipality of at least work and home if not work/home and family. I’m definitely not in any decision-making place – but on the way to Ottawa this week, I ran into an old boss of mine who suggested there might be a position for me in Victoria doing communications for a different federal installation. It’s all very up in the air – but she seemed positive about my interest and said there might be something coming up soon.

A year ago, moving back to Victoria was only vaguely on my radar – but because I have been spending a lot more time there in the past year – I have started to feel that after twelve years I could go back. There are lots of reasons why – but the fact my parents are aging, I have lots of old friends, and it would be much easier to have a child on my own there (if that’s what I decide to do) – are all part of the big-picture. One of my major difficulties in considering Victoria as a place to move in the past couple of years is really related to the lack of work-opportunities for federal government communications professionals. If a possibility to work federally out of Victoria does arise – then I will really have to consider that quite seriously – despite the fact I love my little house on the sunshine coast. We’ll see what happens though – there is not even a job posting yet – but I am readying myself for more turmoil just in case.

My weekend in Victoria was actually very relaxing (I spent two days doing little more than writing and eating), watched the hockey game, stayed at Greg’s and saw my family on Sunday. I get to go home tonight which is exciting after being away for a week, and am looking forward to a little daily routine until I leave next Thursday.

Spent part of this weekend working on a new quilt for my friend Aaron – something I bought the fabric for months ago. I have about half the top pieced – and am hoping to have the rest done before I go to Colombia so I can just focus on quilting it when I come back. It looks easy – but making all those squares fit right requires some patience and some practice! I can honestly say my sewing is getting better, as is my cutting accuracy – but it’s still slow-going and I have to rip stitches out frequently!

Back in 1997 I started the website Gustave Whitehead’s Flying Machine which is a collection of all the random bits I could find out there about my Great-Great Uncle who ostensibly flew an airplane over two years before the Wright brothers did. Darkly romantic, inspiring and enigmatic – this Uncle of mine has forever occupied my imagination – both with his story and his beautiful winged inventions.

It came to me recently that the old site should come down – the design and writing standards being way out of date, the links broken, and the photos all of poor quality owing to the technology available to me when I made this project nine years ago. My friend who has hosted it all these years complained when I asked him to tank it – he said, “it still gets thousands of hits a month – are you sure?” And then of course, I took another look and realized that while there are lots of sites out there with info about Gustave, there is nothing as comprehensive as mine – and it is linked to from dozens of other sites.

So I revamped the site and moved it to it’s own domain. Not quite finished yet (the photo gallery has some problems I need to work out, and I’m setting up a web store as well) – I wanted to share it with y’all in advance of it’s official launch which should be in about a week or so…. Gustave Whitehead’s Flying Machines… cause I’m always eager to share my latest projects here. (And if you hurry – you can see the old site at http://www.deepsky.com/~firstflight before the url is redirected to the new site – it’s so old and bad it’s worth a peek for old times sake. Remember gradiated buttons – oh yeah – the old internet, how I miss it!)

I will be selling stuff off the site pretty soon – setting up an Amazon shop with books on early aviation and a CafePress site with mugs and magnets and other bits with pictures of the Number 21 plane on them – we’ll see if there’s any appetite – but I know I already get the hits…. so I thought it would be fun to try a web-market for this stuff. I’m happy in any case to get the old site down and the new one up – something I’ve been meaning to get to for years and years now.

I have just come to a decision about running for a position that has come free on my union’s regional council. It’s a step-up from anything else I have run for previously, certainly higher profile, and I have lots of support from people to run. On the downside, two of my union “mentors” are both interested in running for the position also and I know that it will cause some hard feelings. I just told one of them about the decision via email and I’m waiting for the other to phone me so I can talk to him about it. To both I will make clear – I do not expect either of them to step aside just because I am running – I welcome a race, win or lose. Of course they fear if we all run we will “split the vote” among leftists – but I would rather see that happen than have bitterness as a result of individuals feeling like they “shouldn’t” run.

It’s a difficult thing this, but over the past month I have checked in with myself several times with the questions I think most valid: Do I want the position? Am I running for the right reasons (both personal and political)? Am I ready for this? (yes, and also…. a little scared) Can I temper my radicalism enough to be effective in this position? Can I use my radicalism to the advantage of my union from this position? Can I survive losing the election?

And having done that – I actually feel pretty grounded about running – probably moreso than I have for anything before this. I actually know why and how and what for a change (yes, I have past run for positions without being at all clear on what they were).

I guess the part I’m most uneasy with is the fact that opportunities for me are resulting in bad feelings for others right now, and the friendships I have in the union feel a little hollow. I know I have done nothing dishonourable in my political life recently – the trip to Colombia was nothing I politicked for (though I know people will assume I did), I am being upfront with those who should know I am running for this position, and I have been on top of the things I have promised others. Despite that, I get all knotted up when I think about telling people I am running. It’s mostly that I want everyone to “like” me which is a stupidly impossible goal in any case.

It’s all part of what I need to challenge in myself – the whole insecurity trip that affects so many of my decisions. Lately this has been somewhat better owing to successes at work – the fact I am facing Darren’s decision with as much strength as I can – good relationships with people I care about… But it’s an area where I need to be constantly vigilant or the old habits and self-deprecating behaviour just creeps right back in. I’m working on regular gratitudes and positive inner voice and I’m thinking if I keep at it, confidence will one day come a lot more naturally to me than it has for most of my life.