Red Cedar

Back in 1997 I started the website Gustave Whitehead’s Flying Machine which is a collection of all the random bits I could find out there about my Great-Great Uncle who ostensibly flew an airplane over two years before the Wright brothers did. Darkly romantic, inspiring and enigmatic – this Uncle of mine has forever occupied my imagination – both with his story and his beautiful winged inventions.

It came to me recently that the old site should come down – the design and writing standards being way out of date, the links broken, and the photos all of poor quality owing to the technology available to me when I made this project nine years ago. My friend who has hosted it all these years complained when I asked him to tank it – he said, “it still gets thousands of hits a month – are you sure?” And then of course, I took another look and realized that while there are lots of sites out there with info about Gustave, there is nothing as comprehensive as mine – and it is linked to from dozens of other sites.

So I revamped the site and moved it to it’s own domain. Not quite finished yet (the photo gallery has some problems I need to work out, and I’m setting up a web store as well) – I wanted to share it with y’all in advance of it’s official launch which should be in about a week or so…. Gustave Whitehead’s Flying Machines… cause I’m always eager to share my latest projects here. (And if you hurry – you can see the old site at http://www.deepsky.com/~firstflight before the url is redirected to the new site – it’s so old and bad it’s worth a peek for old times sake. Remember gradiated buttons – oh yeah – the old internet, how I miss it!)

I will be selling stuff off the site pretty soon – setting up an Amazon shop with books on early aviation and a CafePress site with mugs and magnets and other bits with pictures of the Number 21 plane on them – we’ll see if there’s any appetite – but I know I already get the hits…. so I thought it would be fun to try a web-market for this stuff. I’m happy in any case to get the old site down and the new one up – something I’ve been meaning to get to for years and years now.

I have just come to a decision about running for a position that has come free on my union’s regional council. It’s a step-up from anything else I have run for previously, certainly higher profile, and I have lots of support from people to run. On the downside, two of my union “mentors” are both interested in running for the position also and I know that it will cause some hard feelings. I just told one of them about the decision via email and I’m waiting for the other to phone me so I can talk to him about it. To both I will make clear – I do not expect either of them to step aside just because I am running – I welcome a race, win or lose. Of course they fear if we all run we will “split the vote” among leftists – but I would rather see that happen than have bitterness as a result of individuals feeling like they “shouldn’t” run.

It’s a difficult thing this, but over the past month I have checked in with myself several times with the questions I think most valid: Do I want the position? Am I running for the right reasons (both personal and political)? Am I ready for this? (yes, and also…. a little scared) Can I temper my radicalism enough to be effective in this position? Can I use my radicalism to the advantage of my union from this position? Can I survive losing the election?

And having done that – I actually feel pretty grounded about running – probably moreso than I have for anything before this. I actually know why and how and what for a change (yes, I have past run for positions without being at all clear on what they were).

I guess the part I’m most uneasy with is the fact that opportunities for me are resulting in bad feelings for others right now, and the friendships I have in the union feel a little hollow. I know I have done nothing dishonourable in my political life recently – the trip to Colombia was nothing I politicked for (though I know people will assume I did), I am being upfront with those who should know I am running for this position, and I have been on top of the things I have promised others. Despite that, I get all knotted up when I think about telling people I am running. It’s mostly that I want everyone to “like” me which is a stupidly impossible goal in any case.

It’s all part of what I need to challenge in myself – the whole insecurity trip that affects so many of my decisions. Lately this has been somewhat better owing to successes at work – the fact I am facing Darren’s decision with as much strength as I can – good relationships with people I care about… But it’s an area where I need to be constantly vigilant or the old habits and self-deprecating behaviour just creeps right back in. I’m working on regular gratitudes and positive inner voice and I’m thinking if I keep at it, confidence will one day come a lot more naturally to me than it has for most of my life.

After a valiant struggle against one more trip to Ottawa, I sucked it up today and got back on the phone with Travel Voyage to book my tickets for next week… schedule being Tuesday – fly to Ottawa, Wed – fly to Richmond, Thurs – ferry to Vancouver Island…. a little tiring, yes – but apparently essential to two completely separate projects (and I am no less than a good worker). I have to now explain the $1700 travel authority I just submitted to my new boss who started yesterday (and who I am already skeptical of because he was strange with me this morning when I introduced myself). As much as I like being valued, there is a part of me wishing I could go back to being the weird girl in the corner cubicle who everyone pretty much ignored…. you know, the one who just built web pages?

But I’m not so stressed about it as I was a couple of weeks ago – having now recovered from my last two trips east. The work on the Island means I get free passage to see Greg and also my family since that is Father’s Day weekend and my brother has already asked if I was coming over and did I want to hang out at the Saanich Artifacts Society with him (my dad is on the board there and spends every Father’s Day directing traffic for their big hay-threshing event)…. Woot! Hay-threshing!

I’ve been a bit stiff the last few days, mostly as a result of spending Saturday and Sunday cutting fabric and sewing and then yesterday in front of a computer obsessively. Definitely feeling under-exercised in any case – so last night I did some work cleaning up my deck and potting some plants – and today I went for a nice long swim on my lunch break. I’m feeling much better this afternoon as a result – more relaxed and awake despite the fact I’ve been having interrupted sleeps for several days.

Note to self: Exercise is good.

Things have been a little stressful the last few days with some things related to Darren’s case, but overall I think I’m choosing the right ways to deal with them. I can hardly wait until I am able to get out of this enough to actually process and write publicly about what has been happening through all of this for us. Suffice to say, it has been a process of betrayal and disillusionment beyond what most people should be expected to go through. I’m lucky to have people who listen to me and remind me of what is important in my day-to-day life. I wish Darren had access to more of the same (his contact with the outside world is of course limited)…… but at least if people help me be strong then I can in turn work through things with him.

Perhaps this weekend it will be warm enough to swim in the creek. That would be good.

Today, my friend Jeremy came over for coffee before leaving the coast to go home to Bowen, and has once again blessed me with one of his carvings for my house. He and I have a bit of a tradition of “loaner” art – this is the third carving of his that I have had in one of my places – and one of my favourites. We decided it looks good propped on the woodstove for now (though once I start making fires again, I’ll have to hang it in the living room elsewhere).

Lucky me! Thanks Jeremy!

A small project (my first in months) as part of an experiment in a certain type of block piecing… A table-center for hot dishes. Despite many small errors, I do think I’m getting better at sewing, and I’m starting to get the feel for quilting with even stitches. I’ve got a long way to go to actually be good at this – but I’m enjoying the process:

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