Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
It turns out I am really only three years old inside.
How can it be it that no matter how competent, adult, removed from the childhood home, and successful we are in our lives – that family conflict turns us back into an abandoned three-year old? That differential sibling treatment thirty years ago still matters? That even our most rational minds are over-ridden by feelings of inadequacy and the impotent anger of a child?
Such are the intense characteristics of a particular drama unfolding in my family right now. And I’m reminded that no matter how much I think I’ve got control over my emotional life, there are certain kinds of family conflicts that completely undo that mastery of myself. Reminding me of course that I’ve still got a lot of work to do!
And so I’m setting an intention here: As hard as it might be, I’m going to make my focus compassion for the next few days and see if that helps me to calm down any. Compassion for everyone involved, including myself – which is so hard because I’d much rather hang onto this self-justifying anger than let it go….. But I know in the long run what the right option is.
Not the best week so far…..
It’s only Tuesday, but so far this week has not been going well. Without getting into specifics – let’s just say I’m thinking a lot about borderline personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder this morning. And about how there’s very little to be done about such personality types once they thread their way into one’s personal sphere.
I’ve known a few “sociopaths” in my life as most of us have. They comprise 3-4% of the population after all – blending in wherever they can in order to survive. If I believed in the concept of the soul, I would describe these as people who lack them – lack any moral compass, compassion for other people, or regret for their manipulative/destructive behaviour. On another completely unscientific note, I would also argue that you can see it in their eyes. Eyes that simultaneously carry an intensity but lack spark and connection (connecting superficially without connecting emotionally – something I’ve frequently observed in politicians as well).
They are good fakers for awhile when you first meet them – of course, they need acceptance before the manipulation begins – but like all people who wear masks, that outward facing personality slips after awhile. Which might explain why the worst sociopaths tend to move often, or have lifestyles that involve traveling for work or cultural pursuits. Once they stick around for awhile the lies and deceits have a tendency to catch up and undermine whatever it is the individual is trying to attain.
I have a hard time with the pop-psychology of labeling we tend towards in our society – and so in the beginning I tried to reserve judgement and see all sides of this situation unfolding in front of me. But the continuing rages, blaming and lying aimed at people I love have got me back to square one and trying to figure out why. Which is the problem when dealing with personality disorders unfortunately – the unbridgeable gulf between the human emotional range we call normal and the world of the disordered mind. Those of us with empathic responses attempt to understand, while those with personality disorders work to obfuscate and hide.
Unfortunately, I have little control over this situation and find myself just waiting to see what unfolds over the next little while. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to write more candidly about this – but for the time being, any warm thoughts this way are appreciated.
Intuitive gardening.
I have to admit – for all my researching and garden planning – when it comes right down to it, I’m an intuitive gardener. Which essentially means that no matter what the planting charts and guides say, I don’t do anything outdoors until it “feels right”.
Last year, warmer weather in February and early March encouraged me outside to plant my early radishes, fava beans, lettuces at their scheduled time – it literally felt to me as though the earth was ready to receive my seeds when I put my hands into it, and thus I gardened earlier than many people suggested I should. What that meant was that when May and June turned out to be dismally cloudy, my plants already had a head start and for the most part flourished despite the wet late spring. I did lose several cucumber plants because I kept attempting to put them out despite the weather forecasts – but overall, my plants that were established in the slightly sunnier early spring had a head start on all those plants that weren’t seeded until May – and I know that made a huge difference in yield.
This year – it’s an entirely different story. With no mild air to herald spring around the corner just yet, I have been hesitant to even start my peas outside even though March is supposedly their planting time. Same goes for Favas (my fall crop froze over the winter) and radishes which I would usually be putting in right now. It’s just been too cold, and the earth here – while thawed – is close to freezing. Additionally, we’ve had torrential rains and windstorms recently that would knock the growth of any struggling veggie back. So despite the planting guides and my ready-to-go plans – I’ve been hanging back and working on turning the beds in between downpours.
(I’ve also got this season’s planting grid worked out, my seeds organized, and some of my starts sprouting on the windowsill.)
I know I’m not the only one out there who “feels” for things rather than following the “rules” – and yet this discussion of intuition never comes up in the gardening books I’ve been reviewing. As though it’s just about this many weeks before or after frost and then *go get your seeds in* rather than checking it against what you sense is actually going on weather-pattern wise. I suppose to some degree that’s stuff that comes after a few years of gardening, and so the how-tos just aren’t going to cover it. Also, I think the authors don’t want to overwhelm people by encouraging too much right at the beginning.
In any case, my spidey-sense this year has said – “just wait a little longer” and I’m glad I listened to it. It certainly saved losses during that late-February snowstorm, and my pea shoots weren’t drowned in the monsoon last night. I’m waiting now on true spring to get at it…. not the one on the calendar, but the one in my bones.
Which food and when? Slow-carbing.
Over the weekend, I read The 4-Hour Body: An Uncommon Guide to Rapid Fat-Loss, Incredible Sex, and Becoming Superhuman by Tim Ferris – a library reservation that came through this week with good timing, as I’ve been thinking a lot about diet and exercise lately. Since starting my fitness/health class at the YWCA in January, I’ve lost almost ten pounds and got myself back into a quasi-routine at the gym. I’m not going six days a week (my goal), but I am thinking forward to activity on most days which is better than where I was in the fall (doing nothing, blaming my schedule for impeding me from the gym when it wasn’t).
Now, I won’t say that this whole book is a worthwhile read – each section featuring various “life hacks” that Tim Ferris has experimented with in his own life – but there was certainly enough interesting information in there to encourage a little of my own personal experimentation. In particular, I noted that both my trainer and Tim Ferris recommend a similar type of lower-carb eating (not no carb) which he calls “slow-carb” and my trainer would call “eating for my type”. Not only does it look very similar to the GI-eating (glycemic index) recommended for diabetics, it tends towards focusing on whole foods clean-eating which is preferable to me on a number of levels.
The five basic rules of “slow-carbing” are thus:
Rule 1: Avoid “white” carbohydrates (or anything that can be white). Use legumes in replacement of grains.
Rule 2: Eat the same few meals over and over again.
Rule 3: Don’t drink calories.
Rule 4: Don’t eat fruit.
Rule 5: Take one day off per week and go nuts.
Except I’m not very good at following rules, and I also don’t totally agree with some of Ferris’s suppositions so I’m altering them like so:
Rule 1: Same as above – with the addition of a possible 1 serving of whole grain (like barley) per day instead of the legumes he prescribes.
Rule 2: To rule 2 I say, no way. Eating the same few meals over and over again would be unhealthy because one wouldn’t get the food diversity required for optimal health. This rule has nothing to do with losing weight and everything to do with being a limited cook (which Ferris admits to – eating out as much as two meals per day).
Rule 3: This has been my mantra for a long time – I’m a water drinker because it’s just so much healthier than juice or soda. Ferris does say that a glass of red wine or two a night won’t impede fat loss – which provides for those of us who like a drink now and then.
Rule 4: My trainer also says not to eat fruit and that’s a major bummer even though I don’t eat much to start with. On the other hand, local eating pretty much proscribes fruit in the winter since there’s very little local available right now.
Rule 5: I like the idea of one day a week I can eat anything, though Ferris seems to go overboard on the gross and fatty which I think really promotes screwed up values when it comes to eating. For people with bingeing behaviours, this is not a particularly good idea.
Ferris’s approach is definitely not for everyone – but I like his approach that each thing we try is simply another experiment on what works for our particular body. I’ve decided to follow this for a few weeks and see where it leads me – as an experiment or a “cleanse” to my system. Since January, I have been really paying attention to my simple-carb intake – and I know that has definitely helped. Since type-2 diabetes runs in my family, I also know that low-GI eating is of an increasing necessity as I age (if I want to stave that particular ailment off as long as possible). So let’s see what happens shall we? I’ll report back in a week or two if I make it that long…. I’m already missing bread!
One more note on the book: the 15-minute orgasm section? Really. Damned. Weird.
Scrappity-scrappity
Don’t have much to say today because it’s a running around kindof day – so here are some pictures of a quilt top I finished last night. A double-sized made from scraps from other projects (except the white sashing). Now I’ve got to baste and quilt the damned thing!
Red Cedar 