Red Cedar

Yesterday someone I know posted a status on Facebook that essentially said: “I’m annoyed by people who post only positive status updates about their lives. I don’t think those people are very honest or real.”

Which is pretty much me. My status updates I mean – it’s very intentional that I post positive comments and things I’m excited about instead of negative or complaint posts (there are plenty of them out there without my help!) I don’t think it makes me false, however, or less than honest because in real life I also keep the complaining to a minimum. I mean really, what’s the point of cynicism and negativity over stuff you can’t change anyway?

And my biggest struggles – the existential hurdles and the inner frustrations? Are those really the world’s business? I don’t make them everyone’s business in face-to-face conversations so why would I broadcast those to hundreds of people who I don’t know that well?

The truth is, it’s a lot of work to make an awesome life and for the most part I’m successful at it. In face-t0-face interactions and online I try to tell people exactly how much they mean to me on a regular basis. In real time I eschew cynicism and negativity because it doesn’t help me to wallow in the things that hurt me and as someone who has battled depression it’s downright essential that I recast negative emotions. When I encounter a challenge I really do talk myself through it in a positive way. And yes – this is how I want the world to perceive me. Why would that be a problem?

I get that social media can make people feel like they don’t measure up in some way to other people (recent studies show just that), and that the projection of perfection can be a downer. One school friend said to me recently that whenever he sees my husband’s status updates (much of which revolve around cooking, naked hot-tubbing and playing music) he feels he’s living his life wrong. That does suck – I know, especially for this friend who is young, insecure and attempting to construct himself in the world.

On the other hand – eyeing things via social media or other interaction that make us feel “jealous”  can be motivators for change. I can still remember walking into a home of some very cool adults when I was eighteen and thinking: “Damn. This is the kind of home I want, the kind of community I want around it.” Twenty-two years and much work (and luck) later, I can honestly say that envy propelled me to build (with others) this epicenter of my life that nourishes and fulfills me in a fundamental way.

For other people it might be someone’s travel posts that make them feel “left out” of the fun being had out there – but I have a co-worker who doesn’t make a ton of money and she manages to travel three times a year because she eschews many things and lives a frugal life when she is in Vancouver working. If I felt jealous at her many travels, I too could make choices that enabled me to travel more (like not owning a home with a massive mortgage for starters).

Don’t get me wrong here – I am not robotically immune from feeling pangs of envy or wondering how it seems that our friends have a lot more money to do stuff than we do. But I do make an effort to drop those feelings as soon as they arise and counter them with the recollection of all I am grateful for in my life.

What I recognize when I do that is that a good life is hard work (the effort you put in is the effort you get out). This is also true for those people in my feed who are living interesting/exotic/alluring lives — whatever path they chose equally required work and dedication towards their specific objectives. I’d rather be happy for them than annoyed or jealous or cynical – for my life is in no way diminished by their success and happiness.

My life of course has its annoyances and heartaches and depressions. I wish I was thinner. My job isn’t always awesome. I feel saddled by mortgage debt at times and I worry about money.

And so what? I don’t want to live as an example of worry. I really do want my life to be full of the things that inspire: music, sex, good food, nature, creativity and the like – and so I project those online and in the real too. To some degree we are who we are perceived to be – and we live up to what people think about us. With this in mind, I would rather live up to gratitude and mirth than any other traits that might exist – and so yes, that is the me who exists in public a great deal of the time.

This is not a challenge to anyone else – how they should construct their online identity, what authenticity means when transmitted to thousands of people – but it is a question. Who are you and who do you want to be?

(Click to see the full-sized collage)

Dear February 2013;

You have been an odd month for me. High points were the Urban Crow Cabaret and turning 40 on snowshoe at Cypress Mountain. But the anxiety mid-month and now the fact my boss is critically ill and might not live – those have really thrown me for a loop. I’m just glad I have a supportive and loving household and community – not to mention creative projects that helped to brighten your grey days.

For the first time ever I have taken a photo a day of textile-related projects – the challenge was actually to start something new each day and photograph it but I just don’t work that way (I need to work to a finish) – and that’s given me an interesting visual record of just how much I do incorporate making into my life. This project spurred me on a bit as well – and I managed to start and finish two dresses, block a shawl, complete a washcloth set and get 3/4s of a sweater done as well as selecting fabrics for March projects, starting a wedding quilt, and adding to my hexagon stash for a quilt and napkin project.

Fortunately I have a couple nice weekend activities planned to start off my March,  plus a plan to purchase some bright fabric for dress-making – so despite the limbo my boss seems to be in – I’ve got some distractions. And frankly, a perspective on life that is deeply grateful to be well and able to experience the blustery day outside.

One other thing that has occurred to me this week is that I am very lucky to work with people who care, and who support each other. It’s been difficult for our work unit to have our boss go into the hospital and then into ICU so suddenly (and we don’t know for what reason) – but we’re talking through it, trying to figure out how to support the workload, and generally hanging in together. For all the things I don’t love about my job, I’m very fortunate to know many of the people I work with.

So February 2013, it’s been a month of learning and making and growing. Up and down – and into March.

Love, Megan

Given my regularly happy and productive postings I feel like I need to come clean and confess that I am currently suffering from terrible anxiety. It’s been building for the past week or so and has me in a state of perpetual panic. About what? About everything (self-hating, money-stressing, work-overwhelmed)  – which is how I know it’s anxiety….. because everything in my life can’t be epic all at once can it? And in fact everything in my life is pretty good – from an objective view – so that’s also how I know it’s anxiety.

I’ve noticed since being with Brian that I don’t get nearly the horrible depressions I used to (I have down weeks, but nothing approximating actual depression), but I do get anxiety peaking from time to time. I’m trying to work out the link between the two because I’m pretty sure it’s there – as in, anxiety has always been a precursor to depression if I don’t take the time out and look after myself when I am stressed. Now that I’m in a really solid relationship, with a strong sense of home and family and community – I tend not to burn myself into depression, but the anxiety still comes as a little central nervous system warning to the rest of me.

So I’m hearing that message right now and thinking  it’s time to take a break from alcohol and get my ass back to the gym. Not that I’m drinking much at all, but even one glass of wine disrupts my sleep enough to screw me up with insomnia and I need to get that in check. Also, procrastination is not a friend to my stress – so I’m thinking more work-discipline is in order.

No fun! I have to work harder and stop drinking at the same time! Bah! But I really want to calm down, and I think that might be the only way.  *Sigh* At least I’m starting from the place of “awesome” instead of “already depleted”.