Red Cedar

Given my regularly happy and productive postings I feel like I need to come clean and confess that I am currently suffering from terrible anxiety. It’s been building for the past week or so and has me in a state of perpetual panic. About what? About everything (self-hating, money-stressing, work-overwhelmed)  – which is how I know it’s anxiety….. because everything in my life can’t be epic all at once can it? And in fact everything in my life is pretty good – from an objective view – so that’s also how I know it’s anxiety.

I’ve noticed since being with Brian that I don’t get nearly the horrible depressions I used to (I have down weeks, but nothing approximating actual depression), but I do get anxiety peaking from time to time. I’m trying to work out the link between the two because I’m pretty sure it’s there – as in, anxiety has always been a precursor to depression if I don’t take the time out and look after myself when I am stressed. Now that I’m in a really solid relationship, with a strong sense of home and family and community – I tend not to burn myself into depression, but the anxiety still comes as a little central nervous system warning to the rest of me.

So I’m hearing that message right now and thinking  it’s time to take a break from alcohol and get my ass back to the gym. Not that I’m drinking much at all, but even one glass of wine disrupts my sleep enough to screw me up with insomnia and I need to get that in check. Also, procrastination is not a friend to my stress – so I’m thinking more work-discipline is in order.

No fun! I have to work harder and stop drinking at the same time! Bah! But I really want to calm down, and I think that might be the only way.  *Sigh* At least I’m starting from the place of “awesome” instead of “already depleted”.

I turned forty last Friday, and to celebrate I went night-snowshoeing with B. and  M. at Cypress Mountain (followed by fondue at Hollyburn Lodge). After the festivities of the previous weekend (cabaret and friends staying and dinner party), a quieter and more activity-oriented birthday was the perfect choice. Plus, it was an activity even a 15-year-old could enjoy (and she did).

This was followed up by a mostly-lazy weekend. I say mostly because while there was a lot of lounging around, I did manage to finish a dress and start another (pictures soon), plus I unraveled the sweater I was working on and started it over (too small, I made a pattern mistake), and we had an afternoon of music-making followed by dinner with the music-folks on Sunday. Oh, and there was a plumbing emergency on Monday morning. That’s pretty much the definition of a lazy weekend isn’t it?

Ok. Well it’s my definition of a lazy weekend because we were entirely around the house which is restorative for me even when there is work to be done.

On the morning of my birthday, I woke up a little before the alarm and laid in the stillness of the pre-dawn house thinking about just that. How glad to wake up in that bed, in that house, beside my awesome partner. How pleased to wake up on my first day of forty and think, “yes, exactly here.” Because I think it’s pretty lucky to have a life you enjoy. Not a perfect life (god forbid, I am nothing like perfect – I drink too much, I eat too many carbs, I don’t practice my fiddle nearly as often as I should), but a good life – one which is both self-validating and which serves to affirm and animate others.

And related to that – I’ve recently felt the return of community in my life. Starting school, playing music, and seeing some of our closer friends on a more regular basis have all played a part in that after a long period of trying to re-orient after my social/political rupture in the mid 2000’s, followed by leaving the political side of my union two years ago (which wasn’t much of a community, but did take up a lot of my time).

So I suppose if I am to reflect on being forty, I would like this new decade to build on what the last few years have begun: that is a life which prioritizes home, community, and making – with a lot of love and good dinner parties to round out the rest.

I’m a bit rambly here, I know. But I just mostly wanted to say that this place here, at forty. It’s awesome.

In class this semester I have the privilege of sitting across from one of the most insufferable people I have ever met (I also have the very real privilege of sitting beside one of the nicest guys ever – but that’s not so interesting for a blog post).

In last night’s session he – we’ll call him R. –  made the assertion that 1) scientific shouldn’t start with any hypothesis, and 2) scientists and explorers are different because explorers are willing to go out and discover totally new things – without maps even, whereas scientists only operate within the bounds of what they already know. Of course ill-informed opinion isn’t insufferable, it’s what fuels conversation and debate. The part that floored me came when I gently challenged his understanding of scientific discovery versus “exploration” and he looked directly at me and denied he had just made the previous statements.

And it’s not the first time R. has done that to me or someone else! Though he was so forceful about it that I had to sit back and review everything I had heard  in order to determine whether we were even speaking the same language – because how could I mishear so badly? But then I realized there was no point and just dropped out of the conversation. This is also not the first time that’s happened.

Now when he’s not gaslighting or just flat out telling people they are wrong, he spends the rest of class venting ill-informed opinions or talking about himself (we now know everything about him including his genealogical lineage going back 23 generations, no exaggeration).

Teachable moment? As much as I would like to simply gnash my teeth in frustration, I am using him as the model of “don’t want to be”.  Because I really don’t want people to roll their eyes or turn off when I open my mouth. Because I hope that as I get older (especially as I get older) my self-esteem can be greater not worse. So R. becomes a study – and instead of speaking out in class this semester I think I’ll be mostly observing (while formulating my ideas after class and having discussions over beers with the folks I actually enjoy).

************************************

On the making front: I have joined a challenge this month on Rav – which is 28 projects in 28 days. That is to work on 28 different projects over a 28 day period and take a photograph for each day that you do it. Note – that does not mean finish 28 projects, just start them (or finish works in progress). And large projects can be split up – but I am trying to stay as true to the intention as possible. I’m using it as a kick in the ass to start all the projects that have been sitting on the get-to list for months including

• a lined coat,
• two (or more) dresses,
• a cardigan (pictured above, I’m a lot further along now then when this was taken),
• a wedding quilt,
• some more hexagons for the quilt for our bed,
• crochet washcloths for the house and swap package,
• a pullover sweater from this season’s issue of Interweave

— you get the idea. There are endless ideas without the equivalent endless time – but getting started on things definitely helps to feel motivated around working them bit by bit. 

Right now I’m working on the red-February cardigan as well as a dress that I started working on yesterday (it’s nearing the 50% finished mark). Hopefully I’ll have a photo of that later this week and I can start on the next dress in my fabric queue (the coreposis).

(One thing I’ve got my eye out for at the moment is a second-hand dressmaker’s dummy – size B (ready-made size 12 and up). I would really like to find something for about $100 – so if by some strange chance you have such a thing, are located in Vancouver or Victoria area, and wish to sell it please do let me know. )