Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
Post #1993: April showers bring sore throats (and reading)
(The above photo is of our Easter Sunday brunch – scones, marmalade, hard boiled eggs and chocolate – and has nothing to do with this post).
I’m home today, in bed with a bit of a cold. Mostly it’s a sore throat, but there is a bit of general achey-ness thrown in as well and I’ve popped some ibuprofen to reduce my small misery to an even smaller one. On the one hand, I feel like a big faker calling in sick after a long weekend (but I’m not!) On the other, I don’t mind the prospect of a day spent slowly puttering – reading, writing, lying about – on my own. I’d rather not be sick at all, but I don’t mind the idea of having some extra time to myself either.
I’ve been on a bit of a reading binge lately – seemingly triggered by the official completion of my coursework for my Master’s degree. My final full class was last Monday, and all that’s left now is the party to celebrate the end of four years of work. I didn’t realize how much I’d cut back on my recreational reading until I finished my last “required” reading a couple of weeks ago (Crime and Punishment) – and found myself in McLeod’s secondhand books that very day eagerly perusing all the books that I have time to read now! Since then I’ve managed to down three books – all in the light reading category – and am working my way through another (slightly more rigorous). I’ve also started a notebook again, out of the blue, to record my thoughts, quotes from my readings, snippets and facts. I’ve periodically kept notebooks about general life, but not recently. Not in the last four years. It feels like a new practice again and I have no goals with it – just to pay attention to myself and my thoughts when it is convenient to do so.
There is nothing in particular which draws my most recent three reads together – except a compelling story in each of them perhaps (and the fact that two of them came out of my community free library) – but even so, I’ll record them here with a few-sentence impression in case you have been wondering about whether these are worth the time.
A Death on Diamond Mountain | Scott Carney : Engagingly written, this is a fast read about a Tibetan Buddhist organization in the United States that has bordered on cult-like behaviour. Scott Carney uses the object-lesson of a death at the edges of a retreat to examine the potential dangers of enlightenment-seeking with a western mentality and briefly discusses meditation and mental states. He gives all the players in the key story a balanced treatment, but I wish he had focused more on the psychology of seeking behaviours and how to cut against them while still following a spiritual path. Definitely worth a read. (for the precis version, check out this article.)
The Happiness Project | Gretchen Rubin : This one came out a few years ago – basically the author experiments with being in the now, putting on a happy face (fake it till you make it), becoming less critical and more grateful, and extending herself to more people and discovers that happiness, at least to some degree, *is* a choice. I concur with her conclusion (having been a life-long experimenter in some of the very same areas), but I didn’t find anything jaw-dropping in either her practices or her final results. Worthwhile if you are looking for ideas about how to infuse your life with a less negative outlook.
Gone Girl | Gilliam Flynn: Yes, this one is now a movie and was a bestseller a couple of years ago – so I’m late to the game – but it just showed up in the book box one day. Quick read, compelling narrative, smart take on the problem of the unreliable narrator in fiction. This one is just for fun and once my step-daughter finishes the book – we’ve got the movie ready to go.
The book I’m currently working on it Sarah Bakewell’s How to Live which is a biography of the 16th century essayist Montaigne posed in one question and twenty answers to illuminate various aspects of his life and philosophy. Even though Montaigne is the inventor of the personal essay, I probably wouldn’t be that interested in his biography, but I appreciate the way that Bakewell has framed this as an exercise in philosophical study and so I picked it up. I’ve also just pulled A General Theory of Love off the shelf for a re-read as I seem to remember some pretty fabulous conclusions in there that I feel like thinking about and perhaps writing about now that I am done with the school thing for the moment.
Post #1992: Being more human
I met with a fitness trainer on Tuesday – I’ve decided to bring some expertise and accountability to my workout and weight loss process and I figure that a little cheerleading doesn’t hurt either! As part of our introductory process, we did a postural assessment where I walked, stood, and squatted before the appraising eyes of the instructor (good thing both of us have a sense of humour or the whole thing would have been really embarrassing) – and then she pointed out my areas for correction. On the plus side, I have strong upper body carriage which is apparently unusual for desk/computer workers like myself. I chalk that up to daily meditation as it has made me much more aware of my posture. On the down side, when I am standing I roll my shoulders so that my palms are facing to my back and not my front. This is a common problem for those of us who sit at keyboards, because our hands are by necessity facing palms down for most of the day – but this isn’t the natural orientation of our shoulders! Having not given the mechanics of my body at rest and at work much thought – this has never really occurred to me – our shoulders are only really in neutral when our palms are facing out (up rather than down). If you have a tendency to sit or stand with your palms facing into your body, try turning them out right now with intention and you’ll feel your alignment improve immediately.
This morning I walked the six km to work (I’m aiming for 2 days of walking to work per week on my non-intense cardio days) – which is a great time to work on alignment and postural stuff . Although it felt a bit unnatural at first, I spent my walk with my palms turned outwards, thinking about how easy it is to accidentally program ourselves into contorted positions and habits that are generally bad for us – and while it’s not so simple to unprogram these behaviours, a little intention goes a long way.
I’m feeling really empowered around this at the moment because I have got myself back into the daily routines of exercise and healthy eating – bringing a lot more attention to these areas of my life in addition to the positive habit of meditation that I’ve cultivated over the last couple of years – and I am conscious of how much closer to human I feel when I start to shed the programmed behaviours and become more clear about my ability to step out of that programming and into another frame of being – in my body, community, neighbourhood, practice, household.
Just a small realization that I’m working to apply as I emerge from the winter and the cocoon of my body to a renewed self.
Post #1991: A thing I would like you to do (vote!)
Here is a little video of me and my husband making music on the Sunshine Coast back in February – just to entice you along…. but what I would like you to do is go to our CBC Searchlight page and have a listen to our song in the contest and then cast a vote for us. You can do that without logging in or anything if you just head over to here: http://music.cbc.ca/#!/artists/Lone-Crow-Jubilee and find the voting button on the right hand side underneath the “Searchlight Official Contestant” button. Giving us a thumbs up or liking us on FB is cool, but not necessary for voting. From there you can connect with our Facebook or Twitter accounts for regular band updates. You can vote every day if so inclined and maybe we’ll even spark the interest of our local CBC hosts!
Post #1990: Following this self to one conclusion and back again
I am having a difficult day today – trouble with sleep in the last couple of weeks has left me feeling a bit down – and I missed my class at the gym today because there was a disruption outside our work building and I didn’t feel like wading through it. I’m not complaining about that, but it has kept me at my desk, and so without an opportunity to boost myself I have sunk deeper into my exhaustion instead.
When I remember, it’s times like this that allow me to put my meditation practice into action (as incongruous as that sounds), because if I am truly mindful about my state I tune into the fact that mostly, it’s not the physical tiredness that brings me down, but my feelings about the tiredness. That is, when I am tired, I am not only experiencing reduced energy, but I am also feeling frustration and self-reproach (as though I have chosen fitful sleeps in the last little while), and I start to tell myself negative things about my lack of capacity when I am tired, deriding each effort as not enough. In essence, I divorce what I consider to be *myself* from current state – as though the only me who *can* exist is one with lots of rest, or perpetually happy and productive. As though any other manifestation of myself – whether tired, or ill, or irritable – is not who I am, is wrong – and so I resist those states which only brings about more mental difficulty, frustration, irritation, and exhaustion. You get the picture.
But although this is not a new insight for me, it has taken me the whole day to get back around to realizing this – it is so easy to forget when I am caught up in my own self-referential experience. But remembering! That allows me to step back and empty my mind for a moment, sit at this computer and let the experience click-clack onto the screen. Becoming aware of the nagging voice of frustration, I can dial it down a little, back out of it entirely – so that I am just typing this note to you, telling about how I am the same as you and there is the capacity in all of us to be a little nicer to ourselves. And if we wish to notice the space between the in-breath and the out-breath, we will find that to be a place in which that inner voice is actually quiet, and in which we can take a break from being so into ourselves (and our problems).
And then maybe we return to the flow of things, click clack, without having the bad thought-feelings return.
Post #1989: Making it about the process, not the product.
It’s Friday and I’m a little bit brain-dead (not because I’ve been working so hard, but because I am doing a mind-numbing piece of work this week that’s almost finished) so rather than brilliant post of brilliancy – I am posting a picture of the last crochet object I finished – which was way back in February. I love this sweater (and the yarn I chose – an Alpaca/Silk/Wool blend) but it’s a tad large on me – so I have plans to make another one in a lesser size and in black sometime in the next couple of months. I currently have three cut-out and partly sewn sewing projects (that are still current, I have others stashed away from years ago!) and two crochet projects on the go (a black stole and an afghan) – so while everything is getting some attention, I’m not working on anything particularly fast these days.
But it’s not just because I have multiple projects – I have also recently found myself with a surfeit of time owing to the fact that my social life has gotten busy and there are band rehearsals and shows to play and shows to see and on and on. I managed to get a couple of hours at the sewing machine last weekend, and I’m hoping for the same this weekend – I’ve got a dress all cut out and waiting for sewing, a spring coat, and a pair of slippers all in various states of done. Last weekend I did manage to finish a top (using the Schoolhouse Tunic pattern) but I failed to take a picture of it because it looked like a horrible maternity top on me – and so I gave it to a friend who is actually pregnant and it looks quite right on her. (Note about the Schoolhouse Tunic: the pattern designers made the usual mistake when upsizing to largest size and didn’t take any fabric out of the back – which means that if you are busty and make the largest size to account for it – you will end up wearing a tent. No joke – it’s not a pattern for larger women to look good in.) Anyhow – I was pleased with my finishing work on it, and the fact that I managed to get it done despite the fact I knew I wasn’t going to wear it about halfway through the process (I tried it on and there was no way I was going to wear it in public, but I thought maybe as a gardening smock? I’m much happier to have given it away).
I’m working right now on my thinking about process versus product – springing from a conversation I had with my partner about three weeks ago. I was bemoaning to him my lack of time to do x, y, z – not that I am missing deadlines or even missing out on doing things – but as I realized with his questions, my real source of discontent was/is the fact that I am not finishing things “fast enough”. Fast enough for what? You might ask – and after our little talk – I have found myself asking the same thing. It would be one thing if I was trying to finish a dress in time for a party, or had a gift that had to go in the mail in time for someone’s wedding, but nothing I am working on in the sewing room has a date stamp on it at the moment. Additionally, when I put the pressure on myself to finish quickly, or simply “get things done” I don’t enjoy the process, and the product usually ends up with some issues because I’ve torn seams out the wrong way (ripping rather than picking) and put a hole in my fabric, or I’ve sewn without close attention to pattern instructions. This type of thing happens when I am more focused on the end result than the journey to get there – and I am always unhappy with myself when it does.
Since that chat I have dropped my need for instant project satisfaction and I feel much less guilty about the heap of fabrics and patterns sitting on the ironing board waiting for their turn on the sewing machine. I haven’t dropped my intent to finish anything, but I have dropped the artificial timelines that were running in my head, the voice telling me that I wasn’t doing enough, was wasting too much time on other things. I’m suddenly feeling much more assured of the fact that I will set myself to finishing these projects (and starting more besides) as time permits, rather than giving up and walking away because of the bad feelings I have been engendering in myself because of them. Making, after all, is a hobby for me – not a business and not a contest – so it should be relaxing rather than emotionally dominating… but it’s funny how often we bully ourselves into believing otherwise. I don’t know if this is the result of living in a Pinterest-perfect digital world or if it’s particular to certain emotional and privilege types (probably all of the above) – but I’m trying to cut back on creating bad feelings in myself for no reason.
Red Cedar 