Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
Post #1990: Following this self to one conclusion and back again
I am having a difficult day today – trouble with sleep in the last couple of weeks has left me feeling a bit down – and I missed my class at the gym today because there was a disruption outside our work building and I didn’t feel like wading through it. I’m not complaining about that, but it has kept me at my desk, and so without an opportunity to boost myself I have sunk deeper into my exhaustion instead.
When I remember, it’s times like this that allow me to put my meditation practice into action (as incongruous as that sounds), because if I am truly mindful about my state I tune into the fact that mostly, it’s not the physical tiredness that brings me down, but my feelings about the tiredness. That is, when I am tired, I am not only experiencing reduced energy, but I am also feeling frustration and self-reproach (as though I have chosen fitful sleeps in the last little while), and I start to tell myself negative things about my lack of capacity when I am tired, deriding each effort as not enough. In essence, I divorce what I consider to be *myself* from current state – as though the only me who *can* exist is one with lots of rest, or perpetually happy and productive. As though any other manifestation of myself – whether tired, or ill, or irritable – is not who I am, is wrong – and so I resist those states which only brings about more mental difficulty, frustration, irritation, and exhaustion. You get the picture.
But although this is not a new insight for me, it has taken me the whole day to get back around to realizing this – it is so easy to forget when I am caught up in my own self-referential experience. But remembering! That allows me to step back and empty my mind for a moment, sit at this computer and let the experience click-clack onto the screen. Becoming aware of the nagging voice of frustration, I can dial it down a little, back out of it entirely – so that I am just typing this note to you, telling about how I am the same as you and there is the capacity in all of us to be a little nicer to ourselves. And if we wish to notice the space between the in-breath and the out-breath, we will find that to be a place in which that inner voice is actually quiet, and in which we can take a break from being so into ourselves (and our problems).
And then maybe we return to the flow of things, click clack, without having the bad thought-feelings return.
Post #1989: Making it about the process, not the product.
It’s Friday and I’m a little bit brain-dead (not because I’ve been working so hard, but because I am doing a mind-numbing piece of work this week that’s almost finished) so rather than brilliant post of brilliancy – I am posting a picture of the last crochet object I finished – which was way back in February. I love this sweater (and the yarn I chose – an Alpaca/Silk/Wool blend) but it’s a tad large on me – so I have plans to make another one in a lesser size and in black sometime in the next couple of months. I currently have three cut-out and partly sewn sewing projects (that are still current, I have others stashed away from years ago!) and two crochet projects on the go (a black stole and an afghan) – so while everything is getting some attention, I’m not working on anything particularly fast these days.
But it’s not just because I have multiple projects – I have also recently found myself with a surfeit of time owing to the fact that my social life has gotten busy and there are band rehearsals and shows to play and shows to see and on and on. I managed to get a couple of hours at the sewing machine last weekend, and I’m hoping for the same this weekend – I’ve got a dress all cut out and waiting for sewing, a spring coat, and a pair of slippers all in various states of done. Last weekend I did manage to finish a top (using the Schoolhouse Tunic pattern) but I failed to take a picture of it because it looked like a horrible maternity top on me – and so I gave it to a friend who is actually pregnant and it looks quite right on her. (Note about the Schoolhouse Tunic: the pattern designers made the usual mistake when upsizing to largest size and didn’t take any fabric out of the back – which means that if you are busty and make the largest size to account for it – you will end up wearing a tent. No joke – it’s not a pattern for larger women to look good in.) Anyhow – I was pleased with my finishing work on it, and the fact that I managed to get it done despite the fact I knew I wasn’t going to wear it about halfway through the process (I tried it on and there was no way I was going to wear it in public, but I thought maybe as a gardening smock? I’m much happier to have given it away).
I’m working right now on my thinking about process versus product – springing from a conversation I had with my partner about three weeks ago. I was bemoaning to him my lack of time to do x, y, z – not that I am missing deadlines or even missing out on doing things – but as I realized with his questions, my real source of discontent was/is the fact that I am not finishing things “fast enough”. Fast enough for what? You might ask – and after our little talk – I have found myself asking the same thing. It would be one thing if I was trying to finish a dress in time for a party, or had a gift that had to go in the mail in time for someone’s wedding, but nothing I am working on in the sewing room has a date stamp on it at the moment. Additionally, when I put the pressure on myself to finish quickly, or simply “get things done” I don’t enjoy the process, and the product usually ends up with some issues because I’ve torn seams out the wrong way (ripping rather than picking) and put a hole in my fabric, or I’ve sewn without close attention to pattern instructions. This type of thing happens when I am more focused on the end result than the journey to get there – and I am always unhappy with myself when it does.
Since that chat I have dropped my need for instant project satisfaction and I feel much less guilty about the heap of fabrics and patterns sitting on the ironing board waiting for their turn on the sewing machine. I haven’t dropped my intent to finish anything, but I have dropped the artificial timelines that were running in my head, the voice telling me that I wasn’t doing enough, was wasting too much time on other things. I’m suddenly feeling much more assured of the fact that I will set myself to finishing these projects (and starting more besides) as time permits, rather than giving up and walking away because of the bad feelings I have been engendering in myself because of them. Making, after all, is a hobby for me – not a business and not a contest – so it should be relaxing rather than emotionally dominating… but it’s funny how often we bully ourselves into believing otherwise. I don’t know if this is the result of living in a Pinterest-perfect digital world or if it’s particular to certain emotional and privilege types (probably all of the above) – but I’m trying to cut back on creating bad feelings in myself for no reason.
Post #1988: Why I can (and otherwise stockpile food)
It’s inevitable when I post a picture on Facebook of my food canning/hoarding ways: someone always makes a wisecrack about how “they know where to go when the apocalypse is happening”. Not only do I preserve tons of food in the summer, I bulk buy grains and legumes to keep in 5-gallon bins in the basement, and since I got a pressure canner last summer, I’ve been putting by large quantities of chicken and beef stock. I take this joking as a compliment, I really do, because underneath it is the suggestion that I’m organized and resourceful, and that I know how to take care of people when things are stressful or perilous. I hope those things turn out to be true if the shit really does hit the fan — but at the very least, I won’t starve in the first week 🙂
While canning is something I have done for the better part of my adult life (starting with a jam experiment way back in my first marriage circa 1997), my partner and I now churn out several hundred cans of food a summer (probably in the neighbourhood of 300, I really don’t keep track), and about once a year I purchase all our oats, rice, beans, barley and flour in 20 kg bags (there are only two of us plus my step-daughter part time, so this food often lasts us more than a year). And while I used to be motivated by the fear of societal collapse, I have way chilled out on that topic lately.
(Side note: we’re all going to die, and a couple of years ago I came to the realization that “prepping” behaviour is just another immortality project as Earnest Becker would term it, something designed to keep up the fiction that we can create immortality through our actions. Becker would further argue that attempts to immortalize oneself is the root of all social evil – wealth accumulation, war, and so on).
So why keep it up if I don’t feel a fear driven need to keep my basement and larder well stocked?
There are three central reasons for my food hoarding ways (and it’s not really hoarding if you are using it – right?):
- Control over ingredients: This morning (like every morning) I added a quarter cup of nectarine/anise preserves to my oatmeal. Because I canned these last summer, I know that the only thing in that jar are nectarines, anise seeds, water and a small amount of honey (a tablespoon per jar). There are no additional preservatives, no additional salt, and no excessive sugars to contend with – and I like it that way. Even when I do can pickles or condiments that have a significant amount of sugar in them (home canning is definitely not sugar-free, but there are lots of way to lower sugar content which maybe I’ll do a post on in the future) – I am highly aware of what is in those foods and moderate my eating of them accordingly (really, how much ketchup and sweet pickles does one need to eat). Point being, I pretty much always know what’s in my processed foods because I choose the quality of food I want to eat and I do the processing myself.
- Food aesthetics: This may seem frivolous, but I do love the look of food in jars on my shelves, and I relish the life-aesthetic of making/canning/serving foods that I have prepared. Additionally, I get to shop in my basement a great deal of the time which leads me to interesting food pairings and discoveries (who knew that pork stir-fried with canned (unsweeted) plums and cherries would be such a hit!) And I love that we never run out of the staples like rice and oats, sugar and flour.
- COST! By far, however, the point that I probably take the most pride in is how much cheaper it is to eat this way – the savings from the staples and the canning, allow me to spend more of my weekly budget on high-quality meats and dairy rather than having to skimp on that stuff. For example – the chicken stock you see pictured above – 8 litres worth, cost me $10, the price of a 3 pound chicken (they didn’t have any stewing chickens in when I went to Donald’s – those sell for $10 but are 5 pounds). If you actually get down to counting out the kilos in a bulk bag of oats ($18 for 20 kg) you are looking at 90 cents per kilo versus the $2-3 is costs to purchase a single kilo. While it’s true that food storage does require having some extra space (which I am privileged to have) – it’s also true that it shaves a significant amount of my monthly grocery budget to shop and store food in this way.
It’s a bit of a thing, I know, to change one’s habits and build food prep and storage into your life in this way – and my transition has taken the better part of two decades as I figure out what works and finesse that for my living circumstances and current family/living situation. While I know this isn’t for everyone, I’m just here to say that what looks like hard work from the outside, is the pleasure of industry and the knowledge of food security on the inside – the good feelings that come with self-reliance and a household (or group of friends) working together to put food by for everyday use and in case of challenging times.
Post #1987: It may be spring in Vancouver…….
This is the lake that our cabin sits across the road from – I took this photo at the forest service rec site down the road, two weekends ago when we were up there last. It’s still quite cold at night (Brian and I nearly froze in our unheated, unfinished cabin) – but as far as I can tell from the community web cam, the ice is pretty much off the lake now. We’re thinking of going up on the long weekend, mostly because Mica’s never seen the place and we’ve got the time to do so, but I’m not sure whether we’ll stay there or in town where we can get heat! I am impatient for the last snow and ice to melt and for the work season to start again – we are so close to having a functional cabin – this season of work will surely get us there.
The process of building something from the beginning is both amazing and overwhelming, especially if you don’t really have a contractor (we have had the basic building contracted, but trades are on us and also we’ll be doing the finishing work over the next few years). On the one hand, there’s a lot to be done! On the other, you get to make all the choices as you go and you aren’t stuck with someone else’s corner-cutting (in the land of cabins, there is a lot of hokey building going on). I really look forward to being at the stage where we can build in furniture and start to cozy the place up – I’ve already started making afghans and quilts to use once we are spending real time up there (and we have heat).
I do find it much easier to come to ground when I look at lists of what has to be done, rather than just standing in a cold, half-finished building and wondering what next, and how long is that going to take? (And on that note, as soon as we can get the technician in, I’m getting Internet installed – so when I need to Google work processes and procedures, I can do so, rather than driving down the road to the Fire Hall/Community Centre). The whole process is really making me wish that I knew how to build stuff and wasn’t afraid to get on ladders – but it also feels right to support folks in the local economy and it’s amazing to see transformations each time we arrive after a stint of building.
Despite the ice and snow on our last trip, this was the first time I walked all the way around the lake – although it’s only a 3 km walk, we are usually so focused on working when we are up there that I don’t get out and enjoy the area as much as I would like. I’ve decided that from now on, if it’s the least I do – each time I go I’ll make this walk happen – it’s quick and satisfying, and I love seeing it from all the different angles.
Post #1986: Hold the lettuce, I’m on a diet.
I’ve been eating a lot of salads-in-jars lately. Awesome ones – with good protein like chicken/beans/cheese, fresh veggies, a little dressing. No lettuce – I think lettuce is a big waste of time and I’ve determined that one does not need lettuce in order to make a salad – but pretty much everything else that’s healthy and good in salad goes into my jars. The one pictured to the left is comprised of olive oil/balsamic vinegar, chicken breast, chick peas, feta cheese, green onion, grape tomato, yellow bell pepper, and cucumber – tip it upside down into a bowl and voila! Lunch without a fuss – the most convenient lunch for the office, ever.
But the real reason I’ve been on this salad kick lately isn’t convenience – but the fact that (as alluded to yesterday) I am making yet another weight loss attempt because I have grown increasingly unhappy with my fitness level and worried about my future health. Also, although I’m not the heaviest I have ever been – I’m uncomfortably close to it which means that my clothing is uncomfortable and I’ve got half a dozen cute frocks in my cupboard that do not fit at all!
I could go on about why this has happened, when I was otherwise fit only a few short years ago, but really it’s the same old story – I put on weight easily, I’ve been largely sedentary the past couple of years, and while I eat relatively well (healthy food and all that), like everyone, I can be indulgent with drinks and treats if I don’t strictly moderate what I’m doing. (Just typing this out make me want a gin and tonic).
Anyhow – I’ve got about forty pounds I would like to shed and about three weeks ago I decided to get serious about doing it – so I re-enrolled at the YWCA, dusted off my MyFitnessPal account, joined a Facebook fitness support group run by a friend, and I’ve been given’er ever since. Exercising four times a week, keeping my calorie intake down to 1300 on a low/no-exercise day and 1600 on a high one, trying to eat less carbs and more good proteins – you know, dieting and exercising the old fashioned way (goddamn I wish there was a pill for this).
In the old days, I would have started out by going to the gym for a month or two, working out on the elliptical trainer to get myself ‘fit” before joining any classes.This time, however, I have dived right in to intensive cardio workouts with no preamble. So what if I have to take breaks every ten minutes or so – at least two workouts per week I’m doing it with a professional trainer to peppy music and that’s not so bad. The other days I might walk 6 km to work, or hop on a fitness machine to get my workout instead. I’m all about mixing it up this time around – and although I thought I might die during my first week, week three is starting to feel okay. In particular my really stiff calves and ankles have loosened right up, and I am already noticing a slight increase in my cardio capacity.
Also, I’ve lost two and a half pounds so far – which means it’s working! And I’m hoping it will keep working for the next forty weeks or so – because that’s how long this is going to take (probably longer, actually, I can’t imagine that I will keep losing one pound a week steady the whole time). It’s not inconceivable to me to do this, as I have lost this much weight (and more besides) before — it’s keeping it off that requires the forever vigilance. I am hoping that my mother’s struggle with Type 2 Diabetes is motivation enough for me to do so – because that definitely looks like no fun to me and I am most clearly at risk (genetically speaking) of developing it. I would rather than happen later than earlier, if you know what I mean (as in – never, could I please die first?)
I have to stop here and acknowledge that I really hate the fact that I overweight is something I have had to deal with for pretty much my whole life since puberty. I really hate the fact that people equate overweight with lazy, with indulgent, with mental health issues (my mother always told me that if you were fat then other people knew you weren’t well inside) – all the judgments. And I can’t stand the fact that I judge other people who have weight issues just as sure as I judge myself. And so this is an emotional thing for me, as it is for every person who decides to lose weight, because it means confronting all the bad feelings one has about oneself – which often go all the way back. I’m hoping to writing more about this as part of my own process of undoing the health damage my weight would surely do to the future me.
In the meantime, there is salad. Super tasty, nutritious salad – without even having to suffer the lettuce.
Red Cedar 