Red Cedar

dinner on friday night

the above photo looks hella better on my mac – and way too dark on my windows machine…..

i had planned to post yesterday afternoon about the weekend’s doings – when i found myself in a flurry of phone calls from people i haven’t spoken to in a very long time… first steph called and we talked for quite a bit (i have seen her recently), then jasmyn, then kevin, then my friend dustin who is in jail… and then it was time for bed (and i never finished my paper i promised myself i would finish yesterday either).

somewhere in the midst of the phone calls i made my flight reservation to san francisco (this was after i confirmed with jasmyn what day she would like me to come in on, but before i confirmed with kevin i could stay at his place for three days). in any case, my holiday still has a somewhat disorganized feel to it, but i’m just letting that go so i can get on with things. my friend who was originally going to drive me down the coast had agreed instead to drive me from san fran to la near the end of the month – but reading his blog today i see that it looks as though he is changing his mind. changing his mind isn’t a problem – but i really wish he would let me know rather than me having to read his blog to see where he is at. it makes me feel — well, incidental — which is not where i want to be with people who are my friends. i am starting to realize that this person *really* can not be counted on…. which is too bad because i think he’s pretty cool otherwise. it looks at this point that i won’t be seeing him on this trip because of the flake factor.

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despite my overall good mood of the last couple of weeks, i’m a bit grumpy today – mostly caused by the unfairness of the world in general and the ongoing dishonesty of some officials in my union specifically.

in one of my textbooks, there is some discussion about how high school can have negative effects because things such as popularity and athletics are rewarded while academia is not — which of course i wholeheartedly agree with, but it’s pretty obvious that this just sets the stage for every other arena in the hyper-capitalist world we are living in. our society continually rewards those who lie and cheat, and those who do the honourable thing are lucky to get a pat on the head at the end of the day…. this is something i can accept as just part of the system, but i am always disappointed when it shows up in organizations that are supposedly there for the good of all. bleah. i should know better. how come i always have to play the role of idealist whose hopes are dashed by the “real world”?

i have it in my head that as part of my birthday gift to myself i am going to see if i can locate a decent pair of boots today after work… something doc martenish – it’s been such a long time since i indulged myself in stompy boots, and they seem necessary for the trip i am taking at the end of the month. if i am successful in this mission, i am sure that will lift my spirits considerably, for at heart i am no different than all the other little consumer-dolls parading around this city – and shiny things do make me smile.

after that is dinner with a bunch of great folks – so if the boots don’t pick my spirits up, i’m pretty sure a bowl full of gluten-meats and veggies shared with rad people will.

so – i didn’t do as well as i thought on my counselling methods final – and ended up 1 point short of an A – lame – i am just not very good at memorizing things and i resent the fact that any 3rd year university class would rely on close-book tests to measure anything, especially in conceptual classes!– (now there is an example of external locus of control working through me at the moment)

but (time to reconsider) – i totaled all my other grades for the class and i am still in the A range – with everything coming down to how well i do on my final paper which i am still writing (yes, i’ve been writing it since christmas but i’ve really only spent about 5 hours in total on it).

way back in university – when i still had a significant working-class opposition to doing graduate work – i never used to care how well i did, since i wasn’t really aiming for anything beyond the undergrad. i pulled in grades that would get me into a fair-to-middling grad school (and had offers from profs at the time), but hey – i had a job, so what did i need further education for? now that i’m thinking of a master’s (and who knows if i’ll ever do it) i’ve become one of those grade-obsessed freaks i hated back then – you know, the ones who challeneged their tas and professors over every last mark? the ones who grade-grubbed in class? the goody-two-shoes of academia?

okay – i’m not quite that bad – but an 84 on a final just doesn’t seem fair.

it’s true – my friends really do want to spend time with me – as evidenced by all the replies i got to my birthday invite. hooray! we will have a fine dinner at the buddhist vegetarian restaurant – i haven’t been there since i moved out of the city.

why should this be such a surprise? why is it that every time i throw a party i’m afraid no one will show up? here i am (almost) 32 years old, fiddle-player in a folk band, with a large social network, a track record of community involvement, and a good professional history and career – and i still feel like the outcast i was during my public school years. this is something i have been thinking about the last few days as i have been working on my child development course and finally got to the sections about adolescent identity and the development of self-concept.

(this is why i shouldn’t take psych courses, i already have a tendency to over-analyze and this just give me more fuel to do it with).

in any case, i won’t bore you with the inner-details i have been working out, but when i think about the little girl in school who one day had friends and the next day had none (due to some little-girl meanness in my former best friend christy emery, the fickleness of little girls in general, and probably some outcast tendencies on my part), i feel really sad for her. i feel pretty badly for the girl who got picked on throughout all those school years and some of the places she ended up as a result.

terrible things our society does to young people who don’t fit in….

the thing is, i’m still a bit of an outcast – being an anarchist who works for the government and does union involvement, wilderness travel and music (and thinks that we are on the brink of social collapse) – there isn’t one place where i am entirely comfortable, and there never has been…. but this doesn’t mean i am unloved, or unliked… it doesn’t mean the work i do professionally and politically doesn’t have an impact…

i guess what i am saying (thinking) is that fact – i still carry this little girl grief around in me, and i have managed to build up a fiction around that which says – “you aren’t good enough and no one loves you”….

and that is simply not true.