Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
curry and sex
i got home late last night smelling of curry and imprinted by my lover. suffice to say, it was a fine evening which made up for the birthday sadness (some of which was related to the combination of my desire and an inability to see him).
sometimes i think i should get a “real” (that is capital R) relationship, but unfortunately, that would likely mean giving up this man in my life right now – and although it has its furtive qualities – he does make me quite happy. having said that, i don’t feel i am closed to the possibilities of another realtionship coming into my life – but i don’t meet that many men who i like (and no, i don’t think i’m too fussy) and i’d rather not settle.
maybe that is the crux though, in that i am not unhappy on my own most of the time – so there is no reason to settle with someone who doesn’t meet my needs or desires (or who treats me badly as some men in my life over the last couple of years have seemed wont to do). i suppose the nagging worry is that while i am happy with my arrangements at 32, i might not be at 40, or 50 or 60 – what then? will i be a lonely old crone? unloved and unattended to? or is it possible to be happy without coupling for life? (i think it is, despite my mother’s warnings that reverberate through my head).
since my birthday, this has been floating around , a bit – but seeing my lover last night… well, i don’t like the idea of having to give him up – ever… which of course isn’t possible for so many reasons.
*sigh* what’s a girl to do? i suppose just let things take their own course as usual. 😉
weird day
i worked until 11 o clock this morning when our entire building was evacuated due to a “suspicious package incident”. not only 2 firetrucks, but a hazmat truck and 3 ambulances attended (not to mention numerous police).
in the end the white powder in the envelope turned out to be shredded paper. that was after they had sent us all home for the day…. oddness all around – i have pasted the cknw blurb about it below….
i think people are just a little too freaky these days myself….
Hazmat clears 19-storey tower in Vancouver
Feb, 15 2005 – 3:00 PMVANCOUVER/CKNW(AM980)
very grounded, very good
feeling very in touch with myself right at this moment – very grounded, very good. listening to the cracow klezmer band on the stereo – a birthday gift from giles. incredible violins in the eastern european style reaches right down inside me and pulls taut the band around my heart – i suppose the right feelings for valentine’s day – a heart-rapture of sorts.
the sun was out over the ice-crystaled coast today, and between that an my good mood, i was incredibly productive. dropped my mother off at the ferry this morning, got my final paper for one of my classes finished, got some errands run, did laundry, and cleaned house.
i’m starting to pull things together for my holiday, looking forward to getting on the plane and just going with the haphazard trip emerging – two weeks of seeing where i will end up each day. it has been a long time since i have gone in this direction – anticipating enjoying the time with myself and others….
gifts of history
this is a photograph of my great-grandma from my dad’s maternal side – ida olson (yes, she’s the one with the gun).
my mother has come for a visit this weekend and as part of my birthday gift she presented me with a slim photo album containing shots of ida’s life around 1901 in minnesota. it seems, that as a young and well-educated woman, ida ended up a teacher in a residential school (the type of live-in school where stolen indian children were sent away from their families to be stripped of their heritage and culture). this small set of quite beautiful photos contains a number of pictures of first nations people (as well as photos of ida’s house and friends) taken in that same time period. she has captioned them all in a tidy script, so we might now see something of that time and possibly understand some small shred.
what to make of this legacy? some of my family have only been on this continent for one generation, and some for several – and i have long been aware of the ways in which i have benefited from the legacy of genocide and colonialism directed against the first nations people of north america. this volume is the first indication of a family link to direct complicity in the re-education of native peoples – and for that i have a woe in recognizing that any white people who were present during those times not only had a benefit, but a direct impact on the lives of those so wholly subjugated by the ever-expanding powers.
this gift is a reminder of a cruel legacy – and for that i am glad to receive it. click *more* to see a few more photos.
word up!
god dammit i like this writing exercise – i forgot how much i like it… it’s not like i turn out anything really amazing, but it’s interesting to see what comes out in that non-thinking/subconscious minute.
word of the day today: abstract
wow – fractal brain first thing in the morning and this is the word abstracting from the keyboard, outside this realm, wishing i was somewhere else not here now – art works spiral, working through the bloodstream, getting into everything, not sitting straightup, this goes sideways now.
yesterday: smudge
like an ink stain across the cheek, smudged like a dark blush across a page, gone black like a dark december moon, new across the sky ink smudge black pot give a night shot to the stain on the cheek, like a puddle of light.
wednesday: wire
wiry, arm, vein – got this on the street. get going he says – get that wire, up the spine, into the mind curling around the calves and holding you down, heroin low, into the vein, wire up the spine and into the pavement below.
Red Cedar 