people do love me after all

it’s true – my friends really do want to spend time with me – as evidenced by all the replies i got to my birthday invite. hooray! we will have a fine dinner at the buddhist vegetarian restaurant – i haven’t been there since i moved out of the city.

why should this be such a surprise? why is it that every time i throw a party i’m afraid no one will show up? here i am (almost) 32 years old, fiddle-player in a folk band, with a large social network, a track record of community involvement, and a good professional history and career – and i still feel like the outcast i was during my public school years. this is something i have been thinking about the last few days as i have been working on my child development course and finally got to the sections about adolescent identity and the development of self-concept.

(this is why i shouldn’t take psych courses, i already have a tendency to over-analyze and this just give me more fuel to do it with).

in any case, i won’t bore you with the inner-details i have been working out, but when i think about the little girl in school who one day had friends and the next day had none (due to some little-girl meanness in my former best friend christy emery, the fickleness of little girls in general, and probably some outcast tendencies on my part), i feel really sad for her. i feel pretty badly for the girl who got picked on throughout all those school years and some of the places she ended up as a result.

terrible things our society does to young people who don’t fit in….

the thing is, i’m still a bit of an outcast – being an anarchist who works for the government and does union involvement, wilderness travel and music (and thinks that we are on the brink of social collapse) – there isn’t one place where i am entirely comfortable, and there never has been…. but this doesn’t mean i am unloved, or unliked… it doesn’t mean the work i do professionally and politically doesn’t have an impact…

i guess what i am saying (thinking) is that fact – i still carry this little girl grief around in me, and i have managed to build up a fiction around that which says – “you aren’t good enough and no one loves you”….

and that is simply not true.

take 2 steps to the right and get out of the neighbourhood

grrr – i want so badly to write about the whole ward churchill controversy brewing in the united states over the last couple of days – you know, the one where right-wingers dredge up an article he wrote way back in 2001 and then scream about it? – but everytime i think about it, i falter in my ability to put together something that isn’t loaded with invective.

the part getting me most is not that people disagree with ward – diversity of opinion and all that – but the out and out hypocrisy of the american “free speech” right demanding that ward be silenced (either by being disallowed from speaking in new york, or fired from his teaching post at the university of colorado). it seems to me (from reading many articles and blog posts on this subject) that any semblance of “moderate” thought (and by this i don’t mean left-wing, but just centre) has fled from public life in the united states. from reading through the blogosphere, it also seems there is a growing trend of meanness that has entered into public dialogue in the us that wasn’t there before (or maybe these opinionated americans were always mean, but the internet allows them to share that with the world).

even stranger is that, although the rest of the world has noticed this dramatic shift to the right in the opinions of everyday us citizens and public officials alike – people in the us are completely unself-conscious about the fact that something has changed. (i know, i can hear my good lefty state-side friends reminding me that only half the people voted for bush – but really…… you don’t know how it looks from out here.. on the other side of the glass.)

this is not to say we don’t have right-wing voices here in canada – of course we do (witness the recent anti-gay marriage campaign by stephen harper for proof) – but i do feel that those voices are tempered by both a centre and a left on all the issues that are put out for debate. even when sunera thobani was under attack back in october 2001 for essentially the same reasons ward churchill is right now, there were at least some editorials and articles supporting her right to speak freely of her opinion.

i dunno – i don’t even know how to wrap this up except to say that i am frightened for where things are going, not just because the leaders of the us are up to no good, but because something nasty seems to have infected a big chunk of the population too – they revel in the deaths of people they have never met, and sue their closest friends out of some misguided notion of rights – i often wish we didn’t live right next door.

i'm hiring

yeah – okay – quit giggling.

i am hiring a new webmaster here at the good offices of the federal government – if you know anyone who is both bilingual and web-savvy, please pass this along : http://www.jobs-emplois.gc.ca/jobs/p035852e.htm. as far as supervisors go, i’m pretty hands off…. (in fact, this has been complained about before – not providing enough direction) – and the job pays well and has good benefits.

recap

not much to post today – things are good here (still feeling pretty damned fine in fact)… i’ve been swamped with union work all day (as opposed to my job work), including writing letters, politicking, updating our website, writing meeting recaps, providing member representation and advice, and working on contact lists. now it is almost the end of the day and i still have a full inbox of job work that is not going to get done until some other day in the future.

i forgot to mention earlier – but as of thursday treasury board employees (that would be most federal government workers like myself) have got a new collective agreement. that means retroactive pay, which means being taxed at twice the rate you would normally (if the money was paid out over time as opposed to in a lump sum). someone pointed me to a tax exemption form today which i am going to fill out – we will see if that helps any. i am very glad the whole process is finished as this has dominated my union-brain since sometime last march, and i really didn’t want to go back on strike.

i didn’t manage to get nearly the amount of work completed this weekend that i wanted to – but i did have some downtime which was needed. sometimes, i think i work too much.

48,692 stitches

stayed up past my bedtime tonight to finish the rug (was so close, i had to do the last row….) and post pictures of it…. here is what forty-eight thousand six hundred and ninety-two stitches looks like:

it still needs to be stretched, ironed and then backed to be truly finished – but eight months of stitching means the hard part is done 🙂