Red Cedar

thank-you for the lovely and inspiring comments from all of you who posted here and emailed privately after last night’s post. it has made my morning a lot better to know when i do reach the edge, at least some people aren’t trying to push me off!

there are moments in this mess in which i feel very small and powerless – where i have to recognize the essential unchangeability of what has been started and the betrayls and lies that have been told. there are looming trials and decisions to be made, and more discovery which will peel away layer after layer of who we thought we were. how can this process not tear at us? this is the new phase to which we must adjust ourselves – each month different than the last. here we are february, now come the documents.

of course, the ongoing battle to sleep has not helped my perspective one iota – though last night i did manage to sleep seven hours with only one interruption – which is a record in the past month. i can hardly wait to see my naturopath this week and get some help with this problem (beyond the gravol i have been taking to help incur drowsiness).

i spent the weekend in victoria, visiting my parents for two nights and a lover for one (i think that ratio should probably be switched, but it was my birthday visit so family won out) . all in all the visit went fine, though i find it difficult to reconcile the tension between my parents (ongoing since i was very young), and the toll it seems to take on both of them. i mostly don’t engage with it anymore, though i did find myself at one point telling my father to lay off.

the overnight with my friend was a great way to end the weekend, but i suspect was also my undoing in terms of coming home a bit depressed as i realized in the morning how much i didn’t feel like “going back to my own life”. sitting there in greg’s flat, drinking good coffee on monday morning, the idea of my own life just seemed overwhelmingly sad to me, as if i had actually left reality to spend the night elsewhere. obviously i am identifying the difficult things with my life and the good things as not belonging to me – and that can’t be healthy!

in any case, i came back from victoria with a bunch of fabric that my mother bought and i promised to turn into quilted placemats and napkins (anyone out there have a serger?), and also some more fabric for another quilt project (i have about 3 ideas on the go at the moment, none of which i have started workin on) – so things to occupy my hands and mind when i feel like i can’t write anymore. i also returned with about 20 novels from my mother’s bookshelf (she was purging) which have made my too-read pile a bit unwieldy.

so yes, i am able to still create, to read, to cook good food, to enjoy a pint or two, to spend time with friends and lovers, to dream about a future in which there is a child, to hold and touch and laugh and play — to have my life, to make mistakes, and to find new ways to go forward. lucky? yes. i do know it. and it’s going to be okay.

….tell me that it’s all going to be okay? it doesn’t feel like it right now.

i feel i should update but really have nothing to say. insomnia is wreaking havoc on my work, my self-esteem and my overall health. i took today off work after the 4th night of less than four hours sleep – i just stop functioning at this point. i didn’t drink any coffee today either (thinking perhaps i should cut it out entirely for awhile) – so i feel utterly drained at the moment. i’m off to victoria this weekend to see family (my birthday is next week, so it’s over there for birthday dinner and shopping).

i’m pretty sure i’ll get the sleep thing sorted out soon. in the meantime i’m doing a lot of writing on a project i abandoned several months ago which is exciting. writing is a lot like going to the gym for me – i have to force myself to it, but once i warm up i’m okay and i always feel great afterwards.

the groundhogs say early spring. hopefully that means the rain will stop for a day or two.

finally feel like i have got through a lot of waiting work on the mental desk – overhauled darren’s support site, prettied up chelsea’s ….. wrote a bunch of email, answered a few requests…. of course, there is still more to do this weekend to actually tie up all the loose ends that have sprung in the last few weeks, but i’m feeling a bit closer to finished at the moment. if you are someone in the ether expecting a response to a personal email i apologize for ignoring you – support work is very immediately demanding, though it will die down soon in the long foot-drag towards trial.

as this sunday opens the year of the dog, and darren’s birth year is dog – i decided to increase my chances of an auspiscious new year (in connection with my dog brother) by handing out chocolate coins to my co-workers – i figure a little magic can’t hurt right now and it made for a great excuse to eat chocolate. if only i could post a few treats in the mail to inverness jail – but for some reason the prison system frowns upon the sending of consumables to prisoners. oh well, money in darren’s commissary can buy him a chocolate bar if he wants it.

i am considering a trip to bella coola again this summer, the possibility of being up on that part of the coast in july seems a ripe and welcoming fruit after a hard winter. if there is anyone out there interested in such a journey, please let me know, as there may be space in my car if i do decide to drive. july seems far off at the moment, but i know about the need to reserve time to savour a roadtrip across the plateau and see friends like old family in the cradle of mountains – a rendezvous worth promising and keeping!

writing and writing, i have been pumping out so much written material in the last few weeks, and even working on a short story during the in-between. i’m finding something in this, something capable and interesting. i am watching to see where it leads because i know at the end i will be different again.

one more thing:

i had a dream early this morning that i woke up in my house, and it felt like someone had been there, had been intimate with me while i slept and had knocked things over on their way out. when i arose, i started to walk through rooms, noting where changes had been made and things were tossed about. as i walked through my house, i found that the rooms were bigger than i remembered and full of things which belonged to the previous tenant. i was at once startled by these things, but also annoyed that the person hadn’t yet come back to claim them and get them out of my house – as though i knew they were there, but had forgotten about an arrangement once made. this was an unpleasant dream, and i was disquieted by it through the morning.

so i looked this up in some dream dictionaries online and as far as i can interpret: the shifting house suggests i am going through personal changes with regards to beliefs – i suspect the key symbol there would be the items belonging to former residents (not mine, but still in my possession), and the fact i believed my house and body to have been broken into would suggest a violation of the person ongoing but also could mean that some aspects of myself (once denied) may be coming to the fore. i believe all of these things are true right now, as this feels like a time of powerful change for me.

my body is definitely telling me i need to prioritize exercise, stretching, and meditation today. suddenly i just feel so *unhealthy* which i’m sure correlates to the lack of sleep and amount of smoking i have been doing over the past week or so. sheesh! it all catches up so quickly these days. i just made up a schedule for myself, that if i was disciplined would actually work. unfortunately it requires getting up at 4:30 in the morning (half hour earlier than i do now) to get in some stretching and qi gong before my shower.

as i said – this would require discipline i’m not sure i have in great supply at the moment. it also would require a less-than-erratic schedule… and looking at my work/union/social calendar for the next four months… it’s a doubtful proposition from that angle as well. turns out i’m going to be away from home quite a bit in february, march, april and may (harrison hotsprings, prince rupert, victoria 2 or 3 times, vancouver/new westminster and then toronto). i’m wondering though, if it wouldn’t be better to try to have some type of meditation/stretching/exercise schedule particularly *because* my schedule is promising to be crazy over the next little while. it might actually keep me on track (and away from drinking and other yuck things).

the only good thing about being on the road is i don’t usually find myself in a situation where i have to get up before sunrise – on the other hand, i often find myself eating badly and staying out late at the pub. it’s too easy when there’s all that socializing to do!

please remind me again why i can’t live a perfectly balanced and healthy life? oh yeah, not yet graced with enlightentment. right.