Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
Endgame
Back in July, I wrote a post inspired by the yet-unpublished book Endgame: The Collapse of Civilization and the Rebirth of Community by Derrick Jensen. Lucky me, I had been provided an electronic copy to read in advance of its printing and provide any comments before it was in the final state that it is now.
So imagine my gladness when today I got to finally place an order for what has become a two-volume work from Derrick’s website! That’s right! Endgame is finally published and you can order it here and I really think you should.
Easily one of the top five books I have read, this is required reading for life and against the death culture in which we live.
It really is that simple.
I am having a realization today as I sort through the last two weeks of email, cancel planned holidays and book another trip east for a work presentation… and I think it’s worth noting so I don’t forget this in the next few months which are slowly booking themselves solid around my dayplanner.
But before I get to the realization – a preface on my current state – which is tired and a bit frustrated. I find myself ungrounded by the amount of time I have been spending away from home recently. Whether work, union, or socializing – I have been away three out of the last four weekends and at least two weeks out of each of the last two months. I just got back from ten days in Toronto, leave again for Ottawa on Monday, and then again on the 6th of June. I have a three-day workshop booked for mid-June in Victoria and am waiting to find out about a trade union delegation I might be on for the first two weeks of July. And of course, because I am not around so much, I try to spend whatever “free” time I can with G. on the island or visiting friends in the city.
I am feeling out of touch with people in my life, and worse than that, like there is something wrong with me because I am disconnected from “home”. I feel guilty for going to the island rather than tending to my house, but at the same time I want to follow my instincts and see where they take me (both union and workwise – things are very interesting for me right now) rather than putting limitations on what i should and shouldn’t be doing…… And the boy – well he’s an enjoyable distraction worth eschewing the garden for more weekends than not…..
So – the realization (and this comes out of two days of conversation with G. which I am finding useful in putting all the pieces together)…. is that things right now are just hectic and probably not changing anytime soon, and that to beat myself up over how much I stay at home or travel is just torturing myself needlessly. The fact is, my priorities are divided by location at the moment, and that will lend itself to a certain amount of being on the road. Why I feel guilty about traveling for work is beyond me, because in honest asseessment, I am very excited by the national project I am engaged in and want to do what I can to facilitate its progress to the next level – which is part of the reason for the sudden increase in airmiles.
I think at root I worry about distracting myself from “what really matters” when what really matters is in the appreciation of whatever it is we are doing (work, play or otherwise). Really, as long as I can find enough rest and relaxation inside the constant flow around me, what other people think about the way I am conducting my life doesn’t really matter, and I should be happy to have the opportunities to express myself, expand and learn. I don’t think that means I have to learn to love hotel rooms, but I don’t have to resent every minute spent in an airport either……
How obvious is that – it’s all in how I approach it…. and I’ve got to stop hating myself for the fact the gutters need cleaning and the weeds need whacking. Geez. It’s that simple.
Triggered.
I’m back from Toronto, but instead of going straight home to the Sunshine Coast I am in Victoria visiting Greg before I go home tomorrow (Monday). Union conventions are a whirl of really intense activity and I hate coming home to an empty house afterwards, so I elected instead to wind down in the presence of someone who could understand that a little bit. As it is, I have been easily triggered by small things the last two days and find myself taking things a bit more importantly than they should be. I’m trying to regain my perspective on the world, which is something I know will take a couple more days (thus my maxim: I never make life-changing decisions in the middle of a 8-day convention as they will be fueled as much by lack of sleep and alcohol as by good sense).
It was good to revisit Toronto after three years and I spent a whole day before things started just walking around to the ‘hoods I have hung out in there – The Annex, Kensington Market. Once the confab got started, I barely left the hotel – so it was great to have a free day to wander around and have dinner with Steph. Without going into the details of constitutional ammendments and elections, I will say that the convention was quite interesting – with a real election for a change – and I had quite a lot of fun, though was beyond exhaustion when I arrived in Victoria Friday night. If you have never been to such an event, I cannot explain the general energy, sleep-deprivation, emotionalism and excitement that swirls around the 800 or so participants contained in a hotel like this. It’s overwhelming, and am I ever glad to be almost home!
I will say that I have a much deeper appreciation of the structure, politics and power struggles of my union than ever before – and for that alone, the fight to become a delegate was definitely worth it.
I will also say that coming home to someone is far preferable than coming home to my empty house. That worries me a little – it’s a bit too comfortable.
Leaving, again.
I’m leaving for the airport to head out to Toronto in an hour – union convention starts Sunday, and I have two days of meetings running up to that – it’s going to be a whirl of a week, but I’m sure interesting as hell. Don’t know how updating will go while I’m away – but I’ll try at least the occasional post.
Looking forward to seeing friends, going to try to keep the drinking in remission while I’m out there….
Anxiety.
I’m having one of those anxiety days – an inability to shake the feeling that everything in my life has to change right now and there’s too much to do and I’m pushing myself too hard and failure must be right around the corner and… and… and…… what the hell am I doing with my life anyway!?
It’s not helping that I can ennumerate the possible causes of this state – hormones, too-little sleep on the weekend, the fact I have barely been home in the past month, lots of external pressures to perform at work and in my union….. of course I’m a bit anxious! But knowing the causes is doing little to minimize the internal pressure that literally makes me want to bolt from the office and sign up for some type of 12-step life-coaching that will help me find the answers to all my dilemmas. If only!
And I know better, of course – realize that overthinking does not help, that decisions will be made as they need to be, that direction in life is shaped by a combinations of other events, people and moments yet to come. It’s just hard to quiet the monkey mind on days like this – give myself a break….
On a more positive note, my visit to Victoria this weekend was good – I spent most of my time with Greg, but also managed to fit in a day with my parents which was well-received by them. I am starting to feel comfortable with the feeling that this relationship isn’t going to suddenly end… though I’m way too cynical to make any declarative statements at this point. What I do know is that the time we spend together is incredibly easy, we have lots in common when it comes to taste in music, movies and politics, we have good physical chemistry, and communicating with each other is straightforward. I also know that when we separate, I am left with a feeling of absence, as though something is suddenly missing or my house has abruptly emptied.
And perhaps that is part of the anxiety as well. Agh! Feelings! I don’t have time to deal with those…..
For the meantime, since I can’t deal with everything that is overwhelming me – I will focus the next two days on laundry, packing, and reading my convention documents before I get on the plane to Toronto. I’m pretty sure that come the new moon (thursday), this anxiety will subside dramatically (gotta love being governed by astronomical shifting), and I’ll be able to relax and enjoy what I’ve got going on (which is a lot, and mostly really good).
Red Cedar 