Red Cedar

It all just feels so up in the air right now – work, living arrangements, relationship, the future of the planet – like anything could happen and it probably won’t go smoothly once it starts happening. The mechanics of what could or should or might be lurch into action, as I seek a way out of everything I have built. And yet, my life is the same day-in, day-out as always – waiting for Darren to call, grinding down statistics for my project plan at work, sporadically launching into self-hating internal chatter. Bleah – is it too much or too little? Clearly the monkey is at work in my mind these past few days and I can’t seem to get any rest from it. It’s got me down, despite the fact I had a good weekend.

(And I did have a good weekend – lovely wedding of cora and ron, playing music, having a bit of a rest…. what the hell is wrong with me?)

Ah yes, there was a third option on moving/finding work. I just emailed my boss to see if I could arrange to “telecommute” from one of our other facilities in Victoria three or four days a week. Best of both worlds – I get to move, and keep my job. We’ll keep our fingers crossed on that one shall we?

Perhaps this is just my rollercoaster, but I will never understand how one random day can feel like the end of the world, while the very next doesn’t seem so bad. Converging horomones, sugar levels, bouts of insomnia and a dose of everpresent self-doubt – and I want to give it all up, quit everyone I know and disappear. Dramatic eh? It’s an all or nothing precipice I face – no way out but to jump.

Silly, then, I feel silly when I come down the next day from my ledge, realizing that really it’s not so bad after all – and a couple days of sleeping in are probably the cure-all I need right now.

This doesn’t mean that what I posted yesterday is not true. I am looking for work in Victoria and have been for a month or so – I am considering coming back to the city in the interim and renting out my house – but I don’t feel nearly so desparate about any of it today. Phew! That 48-hours is over!

In better news, Darren is being transferred today and hopefully we’ll be able to talk again soon – and I finished a draft report on my trip to Colombia for my union which I will post here once I finalize it. I’m quite happy with it, but it needs some final editing. I would like to write a shorter article on the links between privatization and the paramilitary organizations for one of the local weeklies or online publications – but haven’t got started on that yet.

So glad the dark days have passed again.

I’m a bit down at the moment – and am thinking I might want to move later this fall – perhaps back to Vancouver, or maybe Victoria. It just depends on what happens with finding a job there at this point.

I feel a bit stupid about moving right now – I only bought my house last spring – but I’ve been working out my union and work calendar for the fall and it’s shaping up to be as stupidly busy as the last few months have been. Bottomline is I’m tired, and the long commute isn’t feasible when I’m gone three weekends out of four. What’s the point? It’s not as if I’ve got all this enjoyment time of my place to make the commute worthwhile.

Plus (and here’s the part I hate to admit), besides being really tired all the time – I’m lonely on the Sunshine Coast. I really don’t have enough of a social life there, and find it impossible to build one because I’m either too tired, or never around. My family and friends all live in other places, I can’t stay awake late enough at night to go jam with other musicians, and there’s no freak-coffeehouses for when I feel like talking with strangers.

I know you can be lonely anywhere, and it’s my state of mind making this more difficult to bear at the moment – but thinking about another dark winter of 5 am mornings is making me real depressed and I think it’s probably not a bad idea to see if a change of location helps a little.

I’m going to rent my house out for November 1st and one of two things will happen:

1) If I get a job in Victoria in the next few months, I’m packing all my stuff and heading down there.

or

2) If I don’t get a job in Victoria in the next few months, I’ll leave most of my stuff on the Sunshine Coast (packed into one room of the house) and rent a temporary apartment in Vancouver until I can find work in Victoria and move there.

I don’t really want to live in Van again, but I also can’t just give up working, so it’s all really dependent on the job hunt and what happens between now and November.

Interested in renting my house in Gibsons? Email and let me know. I’m sad to be thinking about moving again (that will make three times in three years pretty much), and I love my house – but this lifestyle that was supposed to be healthier is wrecking me!