Red Cedar

Cutting the caffeine is definitely having an intense effect on my body – exhausted, irritable, bloated and apathetic – Yuck! I’m tempted to go back to it if this doesn’t go away soon (oh yeah, right, it’s an addicition). I am falling asleep easier at night, however, which was the point of this self-torture (of course, the overall exhaustion from the caffeine withdrawal has diminished any positive effect of the increased sleep). I can hardly wait to start feeling “normal” again.

Got news yesterday that the move to the facility in Victoria is not a done deal yet and I’ve got to get permission from one more Director before it can be made official. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it will still go through or I will have to revert to a plan b of sorts. I’m not overly stressed about it – but of course I want it all to work out in my favour! (In other news, I just found out I lost a union-election that just closed this week – not a huge deal, but it means that once I move to Victoria I will have to drop off my union’s regional council).

In any event – I’ve got roomates now and until I move. Will and Winter moved in on the weekend just in time for the start of the school year – which has definitely shifted the house dynamic for me (in a good way) – and Winter’s enrolled in the school up the street from the house.

Yup – it’s just life – this weekend will be one for resting and packing and doing those types of close-to-home things (there is also a Resist! gathering in Van on Sunday which I will attend if I feel up to it).

I quit coffee a few days ago and my brain has turned to mush. Who knew that the fluidity in my synapses was the morning cup of joe? I can barely spell right now – but i’m trusting this will pass soon. I am only cutting out the caffeine to see if it will ease my sleep somewhat as I have long suffered from an inability to fall asleep, even when really tired. We’ll see. In the meantime focusing will be difficult.

Have been listening to a ton of new music again lately and since I’m having a hard time thinking about anything else – I will leave you with my current list of listenings with some brief thoughts about them:

Joan Jeanrenaud – Metamorphosis (2002) – Joan Jeanrenaud built her career playing cello with the legendary Kronos Quartet, and left them in 1999 to pursue a different musical path. Metamorphosis is one of the avenues of expression she has walked during this time, and represents some incredible cello music and performance. One of the most interesting pieces on the album is Escalay by Hamaz El Din, an oud master from Sudan – the cello being played in the middle eastern tuning and with many of the finger flourishes found in oud music. Metamorphosis 4 by Philip Glass also shows up on this album, arranged for four celli and multi-tracked in a beautiful version of what is one of my favourite Glass pieces.

Zoe Keating – One Cello x 16: Natoma (2005) – I’m not exactly sure what has been going on with me and cello music lately, but Zoe Keating is also a solo cello performer who uses live-multi-tracking and experimental forms to create expressive and haunting musical landscapes. Her work is truly mesmerizing, something to put on the stereo or ipod and let enter you in harmonic waves as each layer of music builds on the next – incredible. I get all swoony and giddy when I listen to pieces like “Fern” – it’s almost like hitting the bottle, but feels so much better afterwards.

Bruce Brubaker – Glass Cage (2006) – Brubaker plays Philip Glass on solo piano – classic pieces such as Mad Rush and the Metamorphosis suite – done to justice and comforting to listen to. I found this album enveloped me the first time I listened to it and it is finding its way onto my ipod play at least once a day right now.

Thom Yorke – The Eraser (2006) – I wrote about this album the other day. Very Radiohead, Very awesome.

Fred Eaglesmith – Milly’s Cafe (2006) – Canadian country at its grittiest, Fred Eaglesmith delivers another perfect album about stealing and shooting and loving and crying. It’s all the way to Texas and back up to Mission – tunes you want to steal and make your own – singing them over and over again behind the wheel of your truck.

The Be Good Tanyas – Scattered Leaves (EP) (2006) – This would be the pre-release for their new album coming out October 10th (Hello Love). I haven’t had a chance to listen to these three songs much, but was left with the distinct impression that I wanted to hear the whole album these came off of! Beautiful voices as always, a bit smoother sounding – what you would expect from the Tanyas really.

No – not me – I’m doing really good. But it seems that active distress in other people has been making a concerted effort to cross my path this week – and I’ve been in the right space to engage with it. I’ve had three encounters in the last two days (all strangers, two in-person and one via email) with individuals in some sort of profound state of upset or having quasi-suicidal impulses, and in each case I feel like I was able to meet the person at their level of need out of empathy rather than charity.

It’s been rather intense – particularly the encounter yesterday which was with a panhandler-hustler who I have spoken to briefly in the past at my bus stop where he comes to sell used tickets to make cash. For some reason, I’ve always liked this guy – he has a really open smile and he reminds me of a friend of mine who killed himself when I was 18 (they are both of the Cree nation, which makes for a bit of a resemblance I guess) – so when I see him I usually give him something – transit tickets or a bit of change or a cigarette, whatever seems appropriate.

Yesterday I saw him coming up the street towards the bus stop, with a grim look on his face – he was looking like he needed to hustle for some money, but just didn’t seem to have it in him to approach anyone. After looking around for a bit, he sat down near me on a planter behind the bus stop and put his head in his hands. We had nodded to each other when he sat down, but he was obviously not in an outgoing state. After a minute or so of watching him so obviously in an extreme state of distress, I went over to him and put my hand on his shoulder and started talking to him about how things were going for him…

It was so simple, really, even though I had trepidations about entering his physical space, once I was in there we could just talk. And he told me about his bad week, and how he got his black eye, and how he was walking around trying to convince himself not to end his own life…. And I told him that I understood all of that perfectly because the world is pretty hard on so many people, and that it was too bad that more people didn’t just reach out to each other on a regular and random basis. So it went on like that.

I missed my bus, so we could keep talking until he had come down a little, until he had decided that the best thing to do was go and find an AA meeting to go to (which I agreed seemed like a good place to go rather than the bar) and then we had a big hug and he went to go get something to eat before going to a meeting where he could get some support – and I got on the next bus, all quivering from his distressed energy…. but also feeling like by reaching outside of myself I had done the right thing, and had managed through a little intervention to shift the space somewhat. That’s pretty powerful.

It’s been an interesting week, and I’m wondering what it is I’m doing to attract this, or if it’s just that late summer is a hard time on people (it is for me!)