Red Cedar

It’s so totally quiet at work this week, that I’ve got a little extra time for blogging (not to mention cleaning – my office is tidy for the first time in months) and since the year is (mercifully) drawing to a close, I thought to post a few reflections here before I let go of what has been an interesting twelve months.

Starting with things that sucked this year – I think it goes without saying that the “green scare”, the sweeping arrests, and the imprisonment or fugitive state of some of my friends has been one of the bigger challenges I faced in 2006. I spent a good deal of early 2006 in a state of fear (how far would the FBI push those conspiracy charges anyway? were they serious about imprisoning Darren for life?), which then turned into outrage both with the US government and the US activist community (godammit, there’s just nothing left to like about that country), and finally sometime this fall I have achieved some form of acceptance. Not that I agree with it, but I now know that we will soldier our way through this and it’s just a matter of waiting until it’s done.

I got really depressed this year a couple of times, but although the depression was somewhat violent in terms of thoughts of self-harm, both bouts were relatively brief and related to things that were obvious to me. I think living in Gibsons wasn’t good for me during these times, and in the end I realized that moving back to the city was better for me in terms of my mental health and desire for community. A bit disappointing really, since I thought after buying a house I would stay there for awhile.

And of course, yet another relationship has ended in my life which never makes for a good end to the year, and I think I spent a lot of 2006 trying to figure out what exactly it is that I want anyhow – a partner? a lover? I’m not sure still, but I expect at some point something will happen that will make sense. At least my lover in 2006 was generally decent to me, and the sex was (admittedly) mind-blowing….

On the flip side, 2006 was this crazy successful year for me at work and in my union. Workwise, I have been on new projects, people seem to value my opinion on pretty much every aspect of my field of expertise, and I have an increasing amount of control over what I do and how it gets done. My position feels very secure and my pay is good and I’m pretty happy with my career-track at the moment. My union trajectory has been just as positive and my political life has been elevated to the national level within our structure which is a big deal to me – plus I got sent to Colombia to do union work which was surely one of the most rewarding political experiences I’ve had within the trade union movement thus far.

I have also had lots of amazing encounters with friends from all over in the past year. Particularly because of Darren’s situation, our allies and friends have been realized in powerful ways. Some of them have been there for him, some for me, and some for both of us – and those who have stuck by, donating money, sending letters, and phoning to check in – have restored my faith in the power of community (and by that I’m not referring to some abstract “activist” community, but a grounded community of friends who support each other). I have expressed gratitude so many times, but it still never feels like enough where some people are concerned.

And as part of that, I have self-affirmed my loyalty and commitment to the people I love, and have worked hard to honour that part of myself in the face of really scary things. That doesn’t mean I have been there for everyone this year, but those who most needed my attention got it, and I am not at all regretful of the time and energy I have put into supporting others in the past 12 months.

I have also come back into touch with people from my past recently, which has been really great, and I’m hoping somehow to weave my past and my present together a bit more over the coming months. I feel less than ever the need to run away, or the need to hide – and I realized too this year that the goal I most need to live up to is that of “free human” and nothing more or less than that.

I think even though I cried a lot in 2006, I got stronger too – and the drama of prisons, police, fbi-threats, media, tears and lawyers certainly made for a year that will become one of those defining me a decade from now. And for the record – I’m still not sorry, despite how much they want us to be.

And now I’m back in East Van just in time for 2007 and it feels like such a relief to have the year coming to a close, to have my new apartment that suits me so well all sorted out, to have the sentencing hearings drawing near, and to feel inspired to start creating again. Although I am only making one resolution for the new year (which is, sadly enough, to become better adept at handling my email flow so I don’t get inboxes thousands of messages big anymore) – I have some other goals in mind.

I really am feeling these days that the book(s) inside of me need to start coming out – and are beating at my tired brain almost daily (the number of chapters I have written in my head… oy… I can hardly hear myself think about anything else sometimes)…So whether I can find the discipline to continue what I’ve started is the part that remains for the new year. But besides writing, I just feel the need to let my creative self free again – play music, travel and take pictures – in between working and making my union work for me. On the whole it’s good to be almost 34 with the stability of all those years and lots of life still in front of me – I’m really curious about what’s going to happen next. Aren’t you?

I did in fact buy a camera yesterday after work – after reading numerous review sites, and talking for an hour with the sales rep at Dunn and Rundle, I ended up with the Olympus Evolt 500 which is the camera I was looking at back in the fall. It feels good in my hand, does all the right things, and came with two good quality lenses and a good price. When you get right down to it, within a certain range of technology, most products are very similar and you just basically learn to use which features you end up with. Things I liked about the Evolt, besides the fact that it feels right in my hand, included the dust-removal technology on the sensor, the fact that the Olympus cameras are for some technical reason better for infrared photography, and has a good sized screen on it for settings and reviewing shots. The viewfinder is easy to look through, and every site I looked at, including the user-review sites, all highly-recommended this camera as well-priced and good for new SLR users (that’s me!)

It doesn’t have the same range of lens options as the Canon models, however, I find it pretty unlikely I’m going to need anything beyond the standard 20 lenses that are available for this camera (like really, I need macro lenses and some filters and that’s about it). Perhaps also a drawback is that secondhand-lenses for the camera won’t be so readily available because Olympus isn’t as widely used as Canon or Nikon. The photo quality is excellent though, and the two lenses it comes with are a plenty-good starting place. I would like to get more memory and more battery power because my intention is to use this for outdoor and travel photography mostly which means far away from a computer/recharging station. I did purchase a mid-range tripod and some lens protecting filters, and this will make a sizable hole in my savings account… but oh well, at least I didn’t buy it on credit!

So I’m going to Lynn Valley this Saturday to do a short hike (I think just the 4 km to the old mill site and back) and take pictures to see what I can make this baby do (I’ve got 7 days to return it and I want to see if it is right for me before then). Anyone want to join in? Let me know.