Red Cedar

In the middle of writing Darren’s letter of support for sentencing – a difficult emotional task if ever there was one – and boy-1 decides to confront me online about not getting “equal time” with me cause he’s upset about boy-2. Bad timing on his part. Needless to say it didn’t end well.

Oy. I know I’m being selfish, but after the last year I just don’t feel that I can take on anyone else’s insecurities at the moment. Is it an excuse? I’m not sure, but I know that the depth of this loss reveals itself to me in new and unexpected ways almost every day…. And it doesn’t seem to me that many people beyond my closest friends understand or take that seriously. I tried to warn the boy when he came online that I was out of emotional bandwidth this morning – but he just thought I was blowing him off.

So, since boy-2 is leaving town for a couple of weeks, I think I’ll just give it a bit of a rest and focus on my election at the the beginning of February. I need to catch up on my sleep and I’ve got a backlog of work and writing to do as well.

At least it all gave me an excuse to have a good cry this morning about Joe, Rebecca, Darren and Chelsea. Sometimes I just need to lose my shit for half an hour to purge all the toxic stuff clogging the emotional passageways.

I got home, I’m okay. It’s all under control. Nothing to see here. Move along.

I’m starting to feel as though I must have been born under some very intense fucking star or – I don’t know what. I just don’t understand why everything I get involved in turns into some kindof weird hollywood-esque drama involving prison or death threats or crazy sex (and i’m not complaining about the sex part – I’m just saying – what the fuck?)

I mean – even as a union rep in the middle of nowhere I find myself in something that I really wish I could slowly back out of and shut the door on. I want to come home. I hope weather doesn’t fuck with my flight tomorrow. I want to come home so bad.

And yes, I would phone someone for support right now – but my cel doesn’t get service here and the phone in my motel room seems busted. At least I don’t seem to be able to call out long distance. Damn.

Sheesh! Home for three days and I still haven’t caught up on sleep. Leaving for QCC in an hour, I thought I’d pop in for a brief update.

So – we all know – Friday, all night date with the new boy. Saturday, dinner with jess, jas, kevin and trevor – then date with the regular boy. Sunday, oh – tired, hangout and dinner with margot and kyla (sha-lin noodle house, yum!). Work yesterday, quick session of shagging with the new boy, and then drinks with steph which went a bit later than it should have.

That’s a lot of people to pack in a few short days. It must be the novelty of being new back in town, certainly I can’t keep this up and at some point I need to start volunteering for some community organization again (I’m thinking PIVOT very seriously at the moment). I just need to get through the election at the end of the month (did I tell you? I’m running for my union’s national bargaining team) and then I can pull everything together again all tidy.

My life continues to be punctuated with random intervals of weirdness. And sadness. But all is generally well in the land of court cases and so forth. There’s a bit of a worry Darren’s sentencing will get set back by a month, but we’re really crossing our fingers that won’t happen. Last night on the phone we talked about how great it will be when he gets out and can date girls again, and go traveling, and have a job, and get back to life. We talk about that lot these days and I encourage it because it’s so much better than talking about the case. (And besides that I’m sure the prison call screeners loved the story of the new boy that I told D. last night – I’m sure it’s going in my FBI file somehow 😉

So, with a hastily-packed bag I take my leave (almost) and will return on Thursday. Apparently I have Internet access at the place I am staying in QCC so who knows if I’ll be on. I’m taking my computer though – just in case.

To those of you who know me well, it will come as no surprise that I am dating again on a pretty regular basis – doing the whole Internet hook-up thing to generate a pool of potential folks to hang out with, which is about the only way I seem to be able to meet new people these days. I’m not looking for a settled, monogamous partnership mostly because I like diversity, don’t want to get bogged down with any one person at the moment, and am pretty damned busy these days (and yes, I’ve got issues with my ex – there, are y’all happy that I’ve said it?) At the same time, I don’t want to sleep around ad infinitum, or take on more people than I can honestly handle encroaching on my life – dating and the maintenance of people in one’s life takes up time that I would rather spend on other things (like writing and music). So I’ve decided that a good number of lovers for me at any one time is two. Two who are very diffferent, have different interests and kinks, and even different schedules is preferable.

Since just before Greg ended things with me, I have had one lover who I see about once a week and I’ve been on the lookout for another with a specific set of kinks in mind. I have had a few coffee dates and a couple of sexual encounters with people in the last couple months in that quest, but nothing that really clicked in terms of chemistry or timing. Last night, upon my return from Ottawa, I had a prescheduled date with someone new I’ve been talking to recently (and new to the city it turns out, he just arrived this week to stay for awhile with a friend).

I was initially hesitant about meeting him as he came on really strong about wanting to meet and sent me several emails and text messages in a short period of time which can sometimes be an indication of mania or fixation. In internet-dating land, this is a good thing to steer clear of in my opinion…. But once we actually talked on the phone briefly (me from the Ottawa airport), I decided to go through with it. I figured, since I was just flying in I could always beg off as tired if the date really went sideways. In any event, all hesitation was set to the side when we actually met. Our date didn’t end until this morning at around 11:30 when he left my apartment (as one friend I spoke to this afternoon said – you let him stay the night? wow, that must have gone extremely well then). He really is all of what I am looking for at the moment which I realized last night at some point is extremely frightening to me (it makes me immediately go to the place where I’m not good enough and that this lover, like every other one will disappear after I’ve got myself good and attached).

I didn’t used to be so fearful of attachment and potential loss of people – but I think I am still coming up against the “losses” of the past year or two. Deaths, imprisonments, the fugitive status of friends, and my most recent breakup….. make me want to curtail any new entanglements, no matter how non-commital they are. Non-commital of course does not mean non-emotional, non-hurtful, or non-involved – and mostly what I see in people I might actually like is the potential for it to disappear. I’m working on it, cause I know that’s not the way to approach life in general (as a friend once reminded me – “you know, megan, not everyone regards life as a lurch from one struggle to another” to which I answered “really? are you sure?” in complete seriousness.) What do you mean life is not all about suffering and loss and struggle? What I find most ironic, is that it’s after a night of incredible, mind-blowing, ecstatic sex – I find myself pondering the big heavies in life rather than just basking in the rumpled bed and having a long hot bath.

We’ll see if this one comes around again. Of all the guys I’ve met (most of whom have only been coffee dates), he’s only the second I have really wanted to see more than once. He says he will, but of course, I won’t believe it until I see it.