Red Cedar

Between getting back to work and coming down with a cold, this hasn’t been a really stellar writing week. And to top it off, my post yesterday was pretty much wrong 🙂 since the big APEC protest took place in *November* of 1997. My co-worker however heard some retrospective about it on CBC yesterday so who knows why they were running with a story like that two and a half months early…. Perhaps by the end of November I will have had a chance to come up with some sort of reflective piece. We’ll see. As I realized today (when my ex-husband posted to my facebook wall), I really have a crap memory for everything except the super-traumatic details of things. This is why I carry around a little notebook to jot down things so I can refer to them later. I’m afraid now I’ve started that habit it’s going to be with me for the rest of my life as I’m sure my memory won’t be getting better anytime soon.

Really, all I can remember about most Vancouver demonstrations is that it was raining. It was raining almost every time. And occasionally there was some scuffling. But mostly my dominant memories are of being wet and sometimes cold. How’s that for a Vancouver activist retrospective?

Yeah. See. Not exactly inspiration for the revolution is it?

So although I really should be taking a sick day because of this cold, I’m working from home instead because I’ve got a few key pieces to finish before I head to Ottawa next Wednesday. Once there, I’m giving a presentation on why my ideas are the greatest and why the department should adopt them right now and give our project the cash to see them through. Really. It’s all about me and my great ideas. And our programmer’s amazing ability to put together impressive prototypes in an instant. Go team!

I am actually enjoying the work I’m doing right now a great deal and yesterday I realized a big part of that is because I’ve got an awesome “boss” in Ottawa and am getting a lot of good feedback on my work for the first time in a couple of years. And I think there might be a chance to straighten out our web environment – a broken mess the entire time I’ve worked in my job (8 years and counting). Though sometimes it’s a little overwhelming to think of what comes between now and then, I just am keeping my eyes on the small goals that are right in front. It’s my project manager’s job to look at the big picture after all!

In other fronts I’m encouraging y’all who care to take some extra time and write to Darren and Chelsea over the next little while. They are both facing some personal challenges which I can’t detail here – but they could use some extra support right now. I’m sure by now they are both sick of hearing about my life in installments (though I do tell them some pretty sexy stuff) – and could use some loving from other folks too!

And speaking of sexy stuff…. Well. Hm. That’s right, we don’t post about that here. 😉 But apparently I am not the most unlovable girl in the world after all. I know, true self-esteem comes from loving oneself (thanks Dear Abby for drilling that one in at a young age). But a little desire demonstrated by others sure doesn’t hurt. In fact, it’s downright empowering in the right context. It’s not that I have much time for relationships at the moment, but it’s nice to know the possibility still exists. I forgot that this summer when I truncated my world into dealing with myself alone.

So I reiterate again, so glad that fall is here! And I did manage to get myself enrolled in a different French class (conversational only which is unfortunate but something) that starts in a couple of weeks. It should be an interesting few months with work, bargaining, french classes and a few other random social commitments on the calendar. Who says I have to sit with myself? I’d rather be interacting with the world 😉

One of my co-workers pointed out that today is the 10-year anniversary of the APEC protests. Ten years! Am I really that old?

Wow.

If I was feeling a little less coldish I would reminisce, but instead I’ll just leave it here. Ten years. Huh.

(The photo is apropos of nothing. I just needed something pictoral and I liked this shot I took in March.)

I am always relieved when September returns, perhaps a holdover from schooldays – the illusion of possibiliity scribbled on blank notebooks with yet-unbroken pencils. I say illusion, because if those of you who suffered a lack of popularity recall, each school year quickly became the same kind of isolated hell as the last one. But those first few days were their own kindof excitement. New textbooks, new teachers, new things to learn…. An escape from the bordeom of summer’s end.

Not that I’ve been bored this summer, but it definitely was emotionally askance and I spent last week’s holidays in Victoria coming to some understanding of what that’s been about. I’m not going to go into it here. It’s a little too self-involved even for this space. I feel through with self-analytics for the time being and the hopeful, it’s-just-turned-autumn-me, wants to get on with living a little less cerebrally for awhile.

The time in Victoria was excellent though, and exactly the type of rest I needed with lots of friend-time, some good eating, some meditating and hiking, and some random creative writing (how come everytime I start to write a short story I realize it’s meant to be a novel?). I unfortunately discovered my camera was broken when I got over there, so no photos (and I’ve got to take it into the warranty-shop today).

On Saturday I came back and did some lounging and cleaning, and Sunday I went to see Gogol Bordello at the Commodore and danced myself sore and sweaty. Which really is saying something since I hate crowds and get anxiety when trapped inside them (like say on a packed dance floor) but I was simply entranced by the energy of the band and all the crazy balkan-music-loving people shouting along. Even cooler was the fact I went with my upstairs neighbours who I am getting to know better and enjoying as people (which helps me ignore their tendency towards making noise). Afterwards, my neighbour and I drank a beer and each gave a tour of our apartments to the other. “Ohhh, so that’s why the TV is so loud in my bedroom” 😉

Now I’m back at work, and after a week away from it I can honestly say that it’s as much a contributor to my stress as anything. I really just have to let go of outcomes here. It’s not like they will fire me if this project doesn’t go on schedule. My new web person started today though, and apparently I’m on the right track for the presentation I have to give in Ottawa next week – so really, it’s all going according to plan. Oh, except that my French classes I had hoped to start next week have been cancelled due to lack of enrollment at my level (not quite beginner but almost and they won’t let me into the beginner class for some reason). I’m currently hunting around for another non-government class that still has fall openings.

And generally, I feel pretty good. Almost calm even though things are about to get whirlwind busy. Oy. It’s autumn and time to get going.

I am taking a break from this space until after the long weekend to focus on other writing and things during my holidays. See you in September!

Ye Gods. Here I am. The “me” I identify with that is. (I am aware that the depressed me is also me and not someone else but it doesn’t feel like it.) I’m no longer ineffably exhausted, I’ve returned to my flirting habits (cute boys working in cafes beware!), and I’m rediscovering long and meaningless conversations with my co-workers about fashion and politics. The trick now is to stop myself from going off on some manic-busy bent which could cause a secondary crash that I don’t need (or want).

But I think I’ve got the space I need to enjoy the returning process without burning myself out. Tomorrow I’m in Nanaimo for union meetings, but starting Friday I’ve got 11 days in a row off which I’m *not* going to spend moping in my apartment… but instead head over to Victoria for some relaxing, swimming, drinking, hanging out, eating and hopefully also some writing and photo-taking. Then I’m back on the 1st or 2nd in time for the Gogol Bordello show which I just purchased a scalped ticket off Craigslist for. (I forked out double the price to avoid the particular humiliation of missing my favourite band live).

This weekend I will be in Van however, for parties and social fun times planned with some of my favourite people (including a pirate-themed block party on Sunday! Ar!)

Am I all better now? Nope. I know that. But I have found a few things that seem to be helping get me back on track including

1. Focusing on work and getting it done. I’ve been hyper-productive since Friday through sheer force of will. I’ve just done two weeks of work in three days (with overtime).
2. Seeing friends as often as possible. Being around people helps me immeasurably, not because I want to talk about being depressed, but because it brings different energy and ideas into my sphere. I’ve also found a source of support in a distant friend who has been providing me advice via email – which has surprised me in its helpfulness. Thanks Friends!
3. Counting. When the bad thoughts come I just start counting in my head until they go away. This seems to work. Go figure.
4. Making stuff. I haven’t been writing much lately but focused instead on more hands-on projects – sewing, photos, stuff around the house….. This type of creative energy is good for shifting me when I don’t need to be trapped in my head (as writing does).

I think I’m ready to start exercising and hiking again as well which are a part of the next phase of getting off the bottom. And then writing. Because despite my desire to run fast and far from this really dark period, I still have to work through understanding all of it.

How appropriate that this post should push my long screed on depression off the front page of this blog 🙂