Returning (??)


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Ye Gods. Here I am. The “me” I identify with that is. (I am aware that the depressed me is also me and not someone else but it doesn’t feel like it.) I’m no longer ineffably exhausted, I’ve returned to my flirting habits (cute boys working in cafes beware!), and I’m rediscovering long and meaningless conversations with my co-workers about fashion and politics. The trick now is to stop myself from going off on some manic-busy bent which could cause a secondary crash that I don’t need (or want).

But I think I’ve got the space I need to enjoy the returning process without burning myself out. Tomorrow I’m in Nanaimo for union meetings, but starting Friday I’ve got 11 days in a row off which I’m *not* going to spend moping in my apartment… but instead head over to Victoria for some relaxing, swimming, drinking, hanging out, eating and hopefully also some writing and photo-taking. Then I’m back on the 1st or 2nd in time for the Gogol Bordello show which I just purchased a scalped ticket off Craigslist for. (I forked out double the price to avoid the particular humiliation of missing my favourite band live).

This weekend I will be in Van however, for parties and social fun times planned with some of my favourite people (including a pirate-themed block party on Sunday! Ar!)

Am I all better now? Nope. I know that. But I have found a few things that seem to be helping get me back on track including

  1. Focusing on work and getting it done. I’ve been hyper-productive since Friday through sheer force of will. I’ve just done two weeks of work in three days (with overtime).
  2. Seeing friends as often as possible. Being around people helps me immeasurably, not because I want to talk about being depressed, but because it brings different energy and ideas into my sphere. I’ve also found a source of support in a distant friend who has been providing me advice via email – which has surprised me in its helpfulness. Thanks Friends!
  3. Counting. When the bad thoughts come I just start counting in my head until they go away. This seems to work. Go figure.
  4. Making stuff. I haven’t been writing much lately but focused instead on more hands-on projects – sewing, photos, stuff around the house….. This type of creative energy is good for shifting me when I don’t need to be trapped in my head (as writing does).

I think I’m ready to start exercising and hiking again as well which are a part of the next phase of getting off the bottom. And then writing. Because despite my desire to run fast and far from this really dark period, I still have to work through understanding all of it.

How appropriate that this post should push my long screed on depression off the front page of this blog 🙂

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