Red Cedar

One of my co-workers pointed out that today is the 10-year anniversary of the APEC protests. Ten years! Am I really that old?

Wow.

If I was feeling a little less coldish I would reminisce, but instead I’ll just leave it here. Ten years. Huh.

(The photo is apropos of nothing. I just needed something pictoral and I liked this shot I took in March.)

I am always relieved when September returns, perhaps a holdover from schooldays – the illusion of possibiliity scribbled on blank notebooks with yet-unbroken pencils. I say illusion, because if those of you who suffered a lack of popularity recall, each school year quickly became the same kind of isolated hell as the last one. But those first few days were their own kindof excitement. New textbooks, new teachers, new things to learn…. An escape from the bordeom of summer’s end.

Not that I’ve been bored this summer, but it definitely was emotionally askance and I spent last week’s holidays in Victoria coming to some understanding of what that’s been about. I’m not going to go into it here. It’s a little too self-involved even for this space. I feel through with self-analytics for the time being and the hopeful, it’s-just-turned-autumn-me, wants to get on with living a little less cerebrally for awhile.

The time in Victoria was excellent though, and exactly the type of rest I needed with lots of friend-time, some good eating, some meditating and hiking, and some random creative writing (how come everytime I start to write a short story I realize it’s meant to be a novel?). I unfortunately discovered my camera was broken when I got over there, so no photos (and I’ve got to take it into the warranty-shop today).

On Saturday I came back and did some lounging and cleaning, and Sunday I went to see Gogol Bordello at the Commodore and danced myself sore and sweaty. Which really is saying something since I hate crowds and get anxiety when trapped inside them (like say on a packed dance floor) but I was simply entranced by the energy of the band and all the crazy balkan-music-loving people shouting along. Even cooler was the fact I went with my upstairs neighbours who I am getting to know better and enjoying as people (which helps me ignore their tendency towards making noise). Afterwards, my neighbour and I drank a beer and each gave a tour of our apartments to the other. “Ohhh, so that’s why the TV is so loud in my bedroom” 😉

Now I’m back at work, and after a week away from it I can honestly say that it’s as much a contributor to my stress as anything. I really just have to let go of outcomes here. It’s not like they will fire me if this project doesn’t go on schedule. My new web person started today though, and apparently I’m on the right track for the presentation I have to give in Ottawa next week – so really, it’s all going according to plan. Oh, except that my French classes I had hoped to start next week have been cancelled due to lack of enrollment at my level (not quite beginner but almost and they won’t let me into the beginner class for some reason). I’m currently hunting around for another non-government class that still has fall openings.

And generally, I feel pretty good. Almost calm even though things are about to get whirlwind busy. Oy. It’s autumn and time to get going.

I am taking a break from this space until after the long weekend to focus on other writing and things during my holidays. See you in September!

Ye Gods. Here I am. The “me” I identify with that is. (I am aware that the depressed me is also me and not someone else but it doesn’t feel like it.) I’m no longer ineffably exhausted, I’ve returned to my flirting habits (cute boys working in cafes beware!), and I’m rediscovering long and meaningless conversations with my co-workers about fashion and politics. The trick now is to stop myself from going off on some manic-busy bent which could cause a secondary crash that I don’t need (or want).

But I think I’ve got the space I need to enjoy the returning process without burning myself out. Tomorrow I’m in Nanaimo for union meetings, but starting Friday I’ve got 11 days in a row off which I’m *not* going to spend moping in my apartment… but instead head over to Victoria for some relaxing, swimming, drinking, hanging out, eating and hopefully also some writing and photo-taking. Then I’m back on the 1st or 2nd in time for the Gogol Bordello show which I just purchased a scalped ticket off Craigslist for. (I forked out double the price to avoid the particular humiliation of missing my favourite band live).

This weekend I will be in Van however, for parties and social fun times planned with some of my favourite people (including a pirate-themed block party on Sunday! Ar!)

Am I all better now? Nope. I know that. But I have found a few things that seem to be helping get me back on track including

1. Focusing on work and getting it done. I’ve been hyper-productive since Friday through sheer force of will. I’ve just done two weeks of work in three days (with overtime).
2. Seeing friends as often as possible. Being around people helps me immeasurably, not because I want to talk about being depressed, but because it brings different energy and ideas into my sphere. I’ve also found a source of support in a distant friend who has been providing me advice via email – which has surprised me in its helpfulness. Thanks Friends!
3. Counting. When the bad thoughts come I just start counting in my head until they go away. This seems to work. Go figure.
4. Making stuff. I haven’t been writing much lately but focused instead on more hands-on projects – sewing, photos, stuff around the house….. This type of creative energy is good for shifting me when I don’t need to be trapped in my head (as writing does).

I think I’m ready to start exercising and hiking again as well which are a part of the next phase of getting off the bottom. And then writing. Because despite my desire to run fast and far from this really dark period, I still have to work through understanding all of it.

How appropriate that this post should push my long screed on depression off the front page of this blog 🙂