Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
Being appreciated.
Um. This is going to seem like an egotistical thing to do. But I can’t help it. My guy wrote a blog post about me today that tickled me in the right romantic places. Read here for a Sappy Moment. I gotta say that it’s wonderful to be appreciated for the things that drive so many other people nuts. Not only is it very much welcomed, but I could write a reciprocal post about all the things that make me so damned happy I found this man trawling the internet late last summer. And perhaps I will do that soon. Gush. I’m in love.
Hard line endings.
You know, I consider myself to be a reasonable person. Someone who strives towards consensus, negotiates fairly, attempts to put personal issues aside in order to work to a common goal. I’m not a pushover though by any means. A director at work told me yesterday that she would rather have me as a union rep to deal with not only because I’m fairly affable (ie: not an asshole) but because I’m clear and decisive about the union position and I “don’t take any shit”. I like to think that my approach is positive and open in that I hope to reach a mutually agreeable place, before my end game gets hard line.
Although I haven’t written much about this here, one of the complexities of my new relationship involves the fact that Brian lives in a shared (separate suited) house with his ex in order to facilitate co-parenting their daughter. In itself, this does not bother me in the slightest – believing as I do that if the parties can work it out, it is the best answer for the child to have both parents close at hand. It’s the responsible thing, and whatever jealousy I might feel over the closeness of the previous partner is a fleeting thing easily replaced with a rationalization of why the situation is as it is. No problem.
Well, no problem except for that the whole seven months of my relationship with Brian has pretty much happened in the shadow of his ex and some control and emotional angst issues that are residual from their romantic relationship. And yes, they were separated for quite some time before I met Brian – so I’m not exactly “the other woman” though I know his ex characterizes me that way. As much as I had hoped to meet her in the beginning in order to facilitate comfort with meeting her daughter, this has not happened. Nor have I been allowed to come to the house where Brian lives (she is not comfortable with the slight chance we might meet). And scheduling is pretty much on her terms, just as it was when her and Brian were both single.
And you know, even these things I could deal with, give it time, be patient…. Except for the ultimatums, the guilt trips and the continual changing of “rules” when it comes to Brian and how he interacts with his daughter. Up until now, I have watched him comply with pretty much every request his ex has made (except of course the request for him to break up with me) in order to keep the peace in the household. And each time, without fail, his compliance is deemed not enough (which of course is couched in terms of their daughter’s stability and health). And as much as I can admit my bias – watching it from my perspective is a maddening and heartbreaking thing – because I know that what Brian wants most is a harmonious situation for his daughter and no matter how hard he tries, it is being denied.
Any issues with jealousy have given way to a fierce protectiveness of my partner – who I’m sure is not perfect in his situation with his ex – but at the same time deserves to move on with his life with me and not be penalized for it. For the longest time I have tried to stay out of it, keep my opinions to myself and let them work out their own course of action, but increasingly I am gunning for a formal separation of households despite my philosophical and ideological support of alternative family models. As progressive as we all might be, there seems to be a fundamental breakdown in allowing all parties to have their needs met here – and that includes Brian’s daughter. The longer she is kept from me, and I am kept from the house, the weirder it’s got to be for her in becoming a party to the relationship her father has with me.
A few weeks ago it seemed that things could be worked out, that the intense upset and demands were perhaps at an ebb – but I’m afraid that probably is not the case anymore and rather than rest on my patient negotiator’s background, I’m exhausted by the erratic emotionalism I’m witnessing. I’m not even party to most of it and it’s wearing me out!
Again, it’s up to them what happens and I’m not telling anyone what they should do in a situation as layered and as challenging as this – separations are never easy no matter how rational everyone appears at first blush – but something has got to give and that something is not going to be the amazing relationship I am creating with Brian.
How’s that for hard line end stages?
Inspirer of.
In the last six months I’ve had three people tell me that I helped inspire their blogs. Which is a nice compliment – really – that my blog is pedestrian enough to give the impression that anyone can do the same.
Kidding.
In actual fact – I have greatly enjoyed the posts from all three of these people so far so I’m going to do a little round of introductions:
Grey Wool Knickers – An old anarchist contact from down south who is currently living in Egypt with his sweetie. Writing about cycling in Cairo, tourism, left movements in Egypt, mega-projects on the Nile and the bread crisis. Among other things. Funny, smart and from an interesting place in the world.
Tam the Uke – My friend Tammie from the neighbourhood started her blog recently and although she hasn’t posted for a month I have great hopes for it in the future. Posts about family bullshit and cultural identity. Tam the Uke is funny and her writing is touching because – well – families can be both funny and touching (and even sometimes aggravating). I enjoy reading about the family craziness of other people. It makes me feel better about my own.
Resist, Rant, Relax – In my perfect world everyone would blog. You know, just so I had a semi-regular idea of the emotional health and state of my friends. I’m nosy like that (and sometimes too busy to ask!) So you can only imagine how glad I am that my boyfriend has started blogging. Not only because I like to hear what he thinks about me, but also because he’s got good politics and interesting thoughts and can write. So far his posts have been about me, politics, culture, books, me, trade unions and academia – which is my kind of blog (and would indicate why he’s my kind of guy too I suppose). I’m really pleased with this newest addition to my blogroll so give him some link love and add him to yours – or just stop by and check it out.
Anyone else inspired by me? I could use some extra pats on the head about now 🙂
A little edgy today.
Okay. I’m officially overwhelmed. Came into work late to find out I was supposed to be at a meeting I thought was tomorrow. Leaving tomorrow for an overnight to Nelson. Having a friend come to stay for the next week. Trying to fit in this and that with the boyfriend. Mother upset because I haven’t emailed her back. The need of people and causes clawing at my inner martyr. Scheduling more and more days away from home. Want to curl up and cry right now for want of sleep and caretaking. Overwhelmed. And it’s my own damned fault so I don’t want to hear about how I just have to learn how to take care of myself. I know that.
The problem is I *want* to do everything. I want to write, and be a good friend, and excel at my job, and be a responsible union leader. I want to be in good physical shape, and a part of my community, and a producing musician, and a fun girlfriend. I want to go camping, and be available to handle grievances. I want to participate in my household garden, and have time for my parents. I want lazy sleep-in Sundays. I want to cook good food and feed people. I want to host parties and arrange social events.
Each of those things comprises some part of who I am and who I want to be. It’s not that any of those above things is a chore in and of itself. But combined, on high speed, my physical being is drained and every joint aches with the desire to just lie down. That’s how I feel today. As if lying down would make me feel so much better.
I know what I need to do though. And in the next few days – despite my trip out of town and friend visit – I am going to sleep in. I am going to make some little space for myself. I am going to enforce some downtime in which I don’t talk to anyone or think about anything. I am going to get my head screwed on straight before going back to Ottawa in 13 days…. Because if I don’t, I know that trouble is looming for me. And despite the fact we all like to look at a car crash – I don’t much like the feeling of being that disaster which one ogles.
Book thoughts.
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it here before (probably not, though I talked about it for awhile in real life) but coming up on four years of blogging, I have imagined that there might be a book of personal essays somewhere amongst all these posts. You know, take the favourites, rewrite, edit and then self-publish – perhaps including some of my photographs as well.
I thought about this quite seriously last summer, but come fall got busy and pretty much dropped the idea for lack of time and focus. While in Victoria over the weekend, my friend Anna was encouraging me on this subject again (which I appreciate greatly because if it wasn’t for supportive nudging I’d never have any confidence about this). Her suggestion was to choose 30 posts to work with and then go from there.
So rather than talk myself out of it I’m going to start with her suggestion, plus send some additional stuff to my friend Mel who is an editor for a living. But I’m wondering – for those of you who read this – which would you include? Any favourites that stand out for you? I’m curious if there is any opinion on this.
Red Cedar 