A little edgy today.

Okay. I’m officially overwhelmed. Came into work late to find out I was supposed to be at a meeting I thought was tomorrow. Leaving tomorrow for an overnight to Nelson. Having a friend come to stay for the next week. Trying to fit in this and that with the boyfriend. Mother upset because I haven’t emailed her back. The need of people and causes clawing at my inner martyr. Scheduling more and more days away from home. Want to curl up and cry right now for want of sleep and caretaking. Overwhelmed. And it’s my own damned fault so I don’t want to hear about how I just have to learn how to take care of myself. I know that.

The problem is I *want* to do everything. I want to write, and be a good friend, and excel at my job, and be a responsible union leader. I want to be in good physical shape, and a part of my community, and a producing musician, and a fun girlfriend. I want to go camping, and be available to handle grievances. I want to participate in my household garden, and have time for my parents. I want lazy sleep-in Sundays. I want to cook good food and feed people. I want to host parties and arrange social events.

Each of those things comprises some part of who I am and who I want to be. It’s not that any of those above things is a chore in and of itself. But combined, on high speed, my physical being is drained and every joint aches with the desire to just lie down. That’s how I feel today. As if lying down would make me feel so much better.

I know what I need to do though. And in the next few days – despite my trip out of town and friend visit – I am going to sleep in. I am going to make some little space for myself. I am going to enforce some downtime in which I don’t talk to anyone or think about anything. I am going to get my head screwed on straight before going back to Ottawa in 13 days…. Because if I don’t, I know that trouble is looming for me. And despite the fact we all like to look at a car crash – I don’t much like the feeling of being that disaster which one ogles.

One Comment on “A little edgy today.

  1. ya i am so there too… good for you for making the time for yourself.

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