Last night I got a full night’s sleep for the first time in about two weeks – between Brian’s illness and mine there has been much tossing and turning between us – so much so that the last three nights I have said *Enough!* and reclused into my own home with the hope of shaking the end of this cold. Almost there I think. A cough and a sniffle and another few sleeps should do it.
In the meantime I have returned to work and have spent the last day processing the issues that filled up my inboxes (mail, voice, email) in my absence. I’m realizing now that I have so little to say about anything going on in my life – so perhaps it is a day for book reviews – since the one thing I have done a lot of lately is reading. Reading, and rearranging my shelves at home to accomodate the many new books that entered my life this summer. Back in July I encountered a garage sale in my neighbourhood at which every book was 50 cents – so not only was my supply steady over the holidays, but it cost me a lot less than normal. In any case, here are some of my summer reads.
Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly | Anthony Bourdain
The insider’s guide to the world of professional cookery, Bourdain tells the straight story about what’s really going on in kitchens while recounting his own biographical journey through the world of food. He’s got a good sense of humour which makes this readable, though this collection of chapters would have been better pitched as an essay series than as a single narrative work. A tad disjointed. And certainly overblown in terms of bad behaviour – it must be noted that even Bourdain realizes that he is a tad excessive compared to others.
The Yiddish Policeman’s Union | Michael Chabon
I normally don’t bother reviewing books I can’t finish – but in this case I am in order to tell you not to bother. It’s not that the writing is poor. It’s not that the story is uninteresting. But something about this book made it a dreadful ready and I suspect that has something to do with the disjuncture between the writing and the story. The story being gumshoe detective with a twist, and the writing being densely literary. The mismatch, I’m afraid, makes this a struggle to read and I put it down after about three-quarters through. I just couldn’t make myself read to the end despite the fact I wanted to see how it turned out – which isn’t like me at all.
Woman’s Inhumanity to Woman | Phyllis Chesler
A book of case studies that essentially underline the fact that women are perpetuators of patriarchal behaviour just as much as men. Interesting, well-written and full of useful illustrations of how this plays out in familial, social and professional situations. Worthwhile if you’re into feminist analysis or a woman leader in a union wondering why your biggest attackers are other women (that would be me). Apparently it’s systemic. Who knew?
The Habit of Loving | Doris Lessing
Garage-sale find – a 1960s paperback edition of this collection of Lessing’s short stories. Truly, she is a gifted writer on every level and this first experience with her short stories left me very pleased. Intimate, witty, concise. But even better were all the reviews on the back of the book claiming Lessing to be “as good a writer as any man”. Thankfully, these things don’t get printed on bookjackets anymore, though I wouldn’t be surprised if many reviewers still think it.
The Paperboy | Pete Dexter
No great work of literature, but an enjoyable read. Dexter situates this legal drama in the Florida swamps and prisons of the late 1960s, as an investigative reporter returns home with his partner at the behest of some letters sent by a woman convinced that her “boyfriend” is innocent of the crime he has been convicted of. With little to go on, the reporters trace the story back, unravelling their own lives in the process. There are no heroes in this novel, only survivors of the story they untangle.
White Teeth | Zadie Smith
Opening with an attempted suicide, Smith has crafted a novel in which she puts all her characters through the rigorous paces of growing together and up as multiracial families in Britain from 1975 on. A family epic of unusual proportions, Smith’s tale takes into scope Jamaican slave-history, doomsday religion (JW), World War Two, the failure of a certain Bengali uprising, genetic engineering, the ethics of kidnapping one’s own child, islamic militancy, the motivations of liberatl do-gooders, radical animal liberation actions, and the domestic politics of families – multiracial and otherwise. She’s funny, this Zadie Smith, and incisive. A book to definitely enjoy.
The Almost Moon | Alice Sebold
You can read what I wrote about this one here.
Border Crossing | Pat Barker
I really admire Pat Barker’s ability to tell a story that is sufficiently compelling without dipping into the melodramatic possibilities that exist within the world of psychological upset she creates. This tale, centered on a young man released from state care after more than 10 years (locked away for a murder committed when he was ten years old) and the psychologist who he chooses to bring back into his life, leaves you questioning what is really going on until the very end. Barker is a fabulous writer, and this is a very nice (albeit quick) read.
Need More Love: A Graphic Memoir | Aline Kominsky Crumb
Brian bought me cool books in NYC – the best of which was a signed paperback copy of Steal This Book! Need More Love was one of the other choices that found its way into his suitcase – and I had a great time reading it over the summer. It’s Aline Crumb’s autobiography told alternately in comics, paintings, interviews and short writings – interesting enough in that it covers her life, but it also encompasses a history of alternative comics, sixties sub-culture, and the rise of yuppiedom among Northern California hippies. Definitely a nice addition to my collection of graphic novels.
The Best American Non-Required Reading 2007 | David Eggers (Editor)
Picked this up on a whim and discovered a fantastic collection of humour writing, essays, and short stories. By far the best in this edition is the introductory essay by Sufjan Stevens about how he didn’t learn to read until Grade Three (and the failure of Montessori for him personally). Gosh, that was funny.
Savage Beauty: The Life of Edna St. Vincent Millay | Nancy Milford
I have always been interested in Edna St. Vincent Millay, renegade poet of the earlier 20th century, and this biography covers her life in a way that is respectful and fairly complete. Including smatterings of poetry, pictures of Millay’s drug notebooks, and a wide array of source interviews – an interesting picture of a woman who was simultaneously voted “one of America’s ten most famous women” while also maintaining a semi-reclusive life in her upstate New York home. Both her rise to stardom and her descent into addiction are familiar to modern celebrity life, it’s just hard to imagine a time in which such a celebrity was a poet and intellectual!
Briefing for a Descent into Hell | Doris Lessing
I tried to read this back when I was 19 and couldn’t make a go of it. Read it this time around by skimming the long passages of delusion experienced by the main character – which I suppose were the point of the whole novel. Perhaps this is sixties avant-gardism but I wasn’t entirely sure of the point. As much as I love Lessing, I didn’t like this.
The Gathering | Anne Enright
Bought this Booker winner ages ago in an airport and just got around to reading it last week. An odd little novel with no real events to speak of besides a death and a wake – but magnificently written. An inner journey of the main character between past to present, an attempt to piece together events from childhood and their impact on the death of her brother, Enright leaves the reader wondering exactly what, if anything, did happen. But artfully. Without melodrama. Not a general recommendation for everyone – but if writing craft is your interest then I would sure suggest this.
Wounds of Passion: A Writing Life | bell hooks
An autobiography from the first part of bell hooks’ life – written in both first and third person – with a lovely poetic feel throughout. The memoir of beginning to write, fighting racism and sexism in the process of becoming the radical thinker and artist that hooks is today. Another good garage sale find and a light read in terms of accessibility, though not in terms of subject.
The Eye in the Door | Pat Barker
The second book from the Regeneration Trilogy – carrying on the story of Officer Billy Prior and psychiatrist Dr. Rivers against the backdrop of World War One. Barker explores psychiatry, violence, homosexuality, conscientious objection to the war, socialism, poetry, and more in this incredible series of books. I’m on to the third shortly (which won a Booker), Brian is currently reading the first – I can’t recommend Barker’s writing strongly enough.
Oh gosh this space has been neglected this summer. The last two weeks have been travel and more travel and then sickness, and on top of that it’s been awfully hard to pry myself away from Brian long enough to go away and have some private thinking time. Which of course, has to change if I am going to continue to write (not just here, but elsewhere). It’s been a bit of a pitfall in the past that once I enter a stable relationship I tend to let the writing drop off. I just create better when I’m tortured I suppose. But even that is too sporadic for writing books, and I’m trying a new tack come September with an earlier morning schedule to accommodate some work before work. Like going to the gym, a daily habit is necessary to sustain me and build on – I am joining a writer’s group that a friend is starting – I need to produce and be somewhat serious about it.
Somehow I have to figure out how to fit it *all* in – writing, work, union, gym, partner, step-child, friends, downtime, sleep – which no matter how I enter it on the schedule, starts to frighten me. Each day has something marked in its little square, each day must be checked before I agree to something new – both a stress and a comfort. I do like to be needed after all. (Shades of my mother, co-dependent control issues).
In any case, I am at home, sick with a cold and rambling away here quite happy about everything except the snot in my head. Well, quite happy with the state of my personal life anyways, the possibility of an election call (which would mean another delay in collective bargaining for us) is irking me somewhat. Oh, and for those of you keeping tabs on Darren’s return – it has been well delayed by INS and the Canadian bureaucracy in accepting citizens back into the country. As much as I thought it was a done deal, he will not be home until later in the fall (and we don’t know when yet because his deportation case hasn’t even made it into the docket.)
Besides that I’m settling into the notion that bargaining or no bargaining, I’ve got one busy fall coming up. And you know, it’s really nice to be heading into it with the awesomeness of my relationship to smooth out the more harried times. As much as this partnership takes time to cultivate, it gives back in good energy and overall well-being. Which I suppose is how the trade-off is supposed to work when mutual care is involved.
So of course more will be written here about all of those things, but for now it’s lying down time to chase this cold away!
Will try to get a post in here shortly but for now you can look at my Quebec City photos here.
On the Bureau of Prisons website this morning Darren is officially listed at “released”, and I’ve got the shock of it. I knew of course it would be this week, but to see it CAPITALIZED at the end of his prisoner listing is something else entirely. It is one piece of this horrid business almost finished, even as the rest of it continues embodied in others who once shared our hearts and lives. (And that once seems like another lifetime now, not long in years, but long gone for what’s come in between then and now.)
I put on my headphones at work to retreat, a few moments to catch my breath. I am alone here with the insistent knock in my frame, that past which insists on being let in. Right now. When it’s not a good time at all. I’ve got things to finish before I leave! (But when is it ever a good time to revisit that which has harmed us?)
I can not cease the film that plays: the cabin in the hills with the bathtub in the living room, the black sand beach where we argued as if our lives depended on it, the night of swimming in a phospherescent sea, a sunny day beside the frozen creek, long ribbons of roadtrips, picking mushrooms in second-growth forest and turning them into soup, gunshots in the sharp air of autumn. The distinct feeling of always walking back into a circle that felt like home.
And as much as I hold it close, there is a selfish me that wants this past to disappear. To be allowed to move on without the weight of apology and recrimination shackled about. Of course we all just wish that it had never happened. The arrests part. The hearings. The prison. And even, perhaps, some of the actions themselves.
It was all over anyways, before the FBI got involved.
But I see it says there RELEASED, so released he must be. And I by extension also? No longer in custody perhaps, but never truly free. How can any of us be?
I’ve got lots of words and no time to write them these days, but looking forward to two weeks off from work which commences this Friday at 4:00! Mostly I’ve just been reflecting heavily on the degree of my change in my life over the past several months, and looking forward to a year that is likely to deliver more.
First of all has been the big shift in the way Brian and I spend time together. With his ex moved into a separate house, he and I are now free to see each other as much as we want and also to spend time with his daughter together. So I’ve gone from being on my own 4-5 nights a week, to partly-living at another house and having a 10-year-old in my life on a very regular basis. As far as that goes it’s been pretty easy so far – M. seems to accept me being in her dad’s life and as far as I know hasn’t really raised any big concerns with him. For my part, I’m encouraging as much “together-time” between Brian and his daughter as she needs, particularly come the fall when everyone is back into rigid school and work schedules. I figure at the very least it guarantees me a little time off to myself during the weeks we have her, besides giving her the security of her father’s undivided attention on a regular basis.
But while things are pretty good between myself, Brian and M. as a group of people working towards becoming a family unit – I am also coming to recognize what it means to have his ex so much in the picture. This summer has been a continual exercise in frustration as she attempts last-minute changes to child-care schedules, refuses to acknowledge that I should be considered in the process at all, and won’t discuss the schedule for the fall start of school. Of course I still have not met her, despite having offered several times in the past year – and while she professes she would like to meet, it seems that she is mostly just interested in meeting privately for coffee in order to tell me how wrong Brian is. (Let’s not forget that Brian is advocating for both him and myself when he proposes child-care scheduling, so I tend to be onside with the proposals). Some recent comments have lead me to decide that until things get calmer there is no point to any meeting. While his ex has demonstrated that she is currently incapable of respectful communication, I suspect the same might be true of me should we come face to face. Which isn’t exactly the right headspace to meet in.
All said, it’s been a stressful blip on an otherwise good relationship, and one I’m afraid isn’t going away anytime soon. Yes, she will probably relax once we are on a regular fall schedule, but I’m pretty sure these types of flare-ups and fits will come back whenever a stressful decision is to be made. For a previously-single person who only needed to consult themselves in making decisions, the fact I have not only a partner, but his child and his ex as potential factors is pretty significant. And at times, stressful. (I have to keep reminding myself that only a year ago I was a convinced that singledom was pretty much my permanent state and was pretty used to being on my own most of the time. No wonder this seems like such a crazy leap!)
Flipside – I am also rewarded beyond belief in my partnership. Just the fact of having someone with whom to share my narrative, my love, my dreaming erotic self is more than I imagined possible. And the fact of his child is something we must organize according to, but certainly not a barrier, and a person with whom we can create our own rich connection around. Although I reel at times from the new-ness of it all, I rest other times in the knowledge that this incredible person is the one I get to spend my life with. It’s crazy sappy, you know, how tremendously excited I get about our life together, our future. It kinda blows the stupid stuff with his ex out of the water – which I suppose is fortunate or we could be very dismal indeed!
Now if all this isn’t enough crazy-making change, Darren is about to be released from prison and returned home. Although we don’t know exactly when (that depends on how quickly his deportation occurs), sometime in the next few weeks I can expect to make a roomate of my ex-boyfriend for some undetermined period of time. His room is ready, there is a job waiting for him, and we have processed for months about this eventuality – but still, it seems so sudden! And for Brian, even more so as he tries to be okay with my ex moving in. While I don’t expect Darren will present any problem, I do suspect his return may mark a brief and heavy time for me. Even simply preparing the room and sorting his belongings Sunday, I experienced some fairly intense emotional waves related less to him as an individual and more to “all of it, everyone”. The whole of what it was and is, the death of dream and belief, the hunted friendships, the anxiety we wouldn’t make it. There is more writing coming from this place yet, but suffice to say I am both elated and hesitant about what the next few weeks could bring.
And of course, in the midst of all this Brian and I have realized that if he is to sell his house next spring we need to bring a real estate agent and a landscaper in this fall to ensure market-readiness. Which means that all this talk about selling his place and purchasing one together is becoming less chatter and a little more action. It may still be a year before we live together, but it will be a one of actively preparing to do so. And from that it will follow that I am actually a step-mom, and not just Dad’s girlfriend – and well…. like I said it’s all changes all the time!
I’m not really overwhelmed , just kindof “wow – this is my life?” – and hopeful about most of it. Compared to where I was last year at this time, it’s like living on a whole other planet.