Red Cedar

The anxiety of saying no.

Posted on February 23, 2011 by Megan

I was reminded again yesterday that I am not very good at saying “No”. To anyone. For any reason. And even if my rationale is sound, when I do say no, I find myself wracked with an anxious guilt that takes days to wear off.

Yesterday’s episode hinged on a request to attend a meeting in Ottawa next week for my union. By the time I got approval to arrange a flight, no cheap options were available for the day I would have to fly – leaving me with the option of giving up my whole weekend, or showing up a day late which would really nullify my attendance in a number of ways. After this autumn’s collective bargaining roadshow, some of which took place overtop of my marriage celebrations, I am more than a little reticent to give up more time to the union and so decided that travelling on a Saturday is just not an option for me given other things already committed to this weekend.

So I wrote last night and said that given all this I would NOT be attending the meeting. And then promptly called B. and cried through my anxiety upon doing so.

Odd, because having a good reason to cancel this trip is a huge relief – I’ve been feeling stressy about the fact my honeybees are supposed to be delivered this week and we have friends in town and I’ve gotgardening projects I would like to spend time on if the weather permits. Not to mention that I’m never keen to fly east in the winter, particularly as snowstorms continue to be predicted for the area and that means a good chance of getting stuck out there.

But the NO part of this has me guilt-wracked. Feeling as though I’m shirking responsibilities and everyone will think bad things about me. Worried about missing out on something important (even though I know that won’t be the case because none of these meetings are really that important). Stressed about disappointing people who have supported me over the years. Fear of potential retaliation if I decide to run for another position later on down the road (doubtful, but it could happen)…..

Apparently this is all tied to self-esteem and lack of it – an issue that I have struggled with (tied to depressive episodes in particular). Specifically, it is a habit of putting others feelings and needs before our own – even to the degree that I believe a faceless entity like my union or employer have needs to which I must always acquiesce. According to this psychologist, the only way out of this trap is to develop the ability to say no and to be assertive around one’s own needs (without guilt) – thus bolstering self-esteem and supporting self-care.

The reality in this case is that my union’s “need” is to put me on a cheap flight, and that superscedes their “need” to have me at the meeting next week which became apparent in the negotiations I was having with the office over my flights. Upon realizing that, I can see that this is a situations considering the balance of competing needs is important. The need for my organization to be cost-conscious against my need for rest days with family and friends, and time spent around home.

And why should I feel guilty upon determining that my need is just as important (or more important to me) than someone else’s?

Yeah – exactly. I shouldn’t. So I’m working on that, but still proud of myself for saying no in the first place even though I’ve got some reisdual guilt to work through afterwards.

Barley yummy!

Posted on February 22, 2011 by Megan

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It’s a recipe kindof day since I just enjoyed the leftovers of this tasty dish for lunch – barley being my favourite of the whole grains (we use whole, not pearled or hulled barley in this). It’s like a healthy tuna casserole and feeds four with leftovers.

Recipe provided by BarleyFoods.

Barley-Tuna Casserole

2 cups cooked pearl or whole grain barley, directions below
1 can (15 ounces) pinto beans, undrained
1 can (6 ounces) water-packed tuna, drained and flaked
1-1/2 cups shredded sharp Cheddar cheese, divided
1/2 cup non-fat milk
1 egg, beaten
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
1 teaspoon dill weed
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
1/2 teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 350° F. Coat 8-inch square baking pan with nonstick vegetable spray. Combine cooked barley with beans, tuna, 1 cup shredded cheese and remaining ingredients. Spread in prepared baking pan. Top with remaining 1/2 cup shredded cheese. Bake 45 to 50 minutes or until cooked through. Let stand 5 to 10 minutes before serving. Makes 6 servings.

Per serving: calories 319, protein 23g, carbohydrates 29g, fiber 6g, fat 13g, cholesterol 115mg, sodium 646mg.

In case you are unfamiliar – some barley cooking instructions:

Pearl barley: In medium saucepan with lid, bring 3 cups water to a boil. Add 1 cup pearl barley and return to boil. Cover, reduce heat to low and cook 45 minutes or until barley is tender and liquid is absorbed. Makes about 3 cups.

Hulled (whole grain) barley: In medium saucepan with lid, bring 3 cups water to a boil. Add 1 cup hulled barley and return to boil. Cover, reduce heat to low and cook 50-55 minutes or until barley is tender. Hulled barley tends to absorb less liquid than pearl barley. It may be necessary to pour off any unabsorbed liquid after 50-55 minutes of cooking. Makes about 3 cups.

Hulless (whole grain) barley: In medium saucepan with lid, bring 4-1/2 cups water to a boil. Add 1-1/2 cups hulless barley and return to boil. Cover, reduce heat to low and cook 50-55 minutes or until barley is tender. Hulless barley tends to absorb less liquid than pearl barley. It may be necessary to pour off any unabsorbed liquid after 50-55 minutes of cooking. Makes about 3 cups.

Waiting for the bees to come.

Posted on February 21, 2011 by Megan

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I don’t have photos yet, but last night our top-bar hive was deliverd by the carpenter I hired to build it. (Yes, I was planning on building it myself but I ran out of time given my limited carpentry skills and the fact the bees will arrive shortly so I hired someone off Craigslist). Now I’m starting to get nervous about getting the bees into the hive when they arrive – but so thankfully, there are about a hundred videos of people doing this on YouTube. Posted above is my favourite, and the one that gave me the most confidence of the ones I watched. I’m not sure about doing this without a bee-hat and no gloves as this fellow does, but the trick seems to be remaining calm even when the bees crawl all over you.

I’ll have pictures of our hive soon, and am busy now reading as much as I can before the arrival of my bees. A little anxious and also a lot excited……

Back in town, waiting for spring.

Posted on February 21, 2011 by Megan

Husband shopping and other Craigslist encounters.

Posted on February 18, 2011 by Megan

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From Craigslist: a carpenter to build my beehive, three antique food crocks at a good price, a fold-out couch, a very good friend, people to take away my boxes, a woman to buy some beads, a hazelnut tree, wine jugs, a contractor, fencing boards to build raised beds, a source of alder or ash logs, firewood, garden soil, and a husband.

Not all at the same time of course, but these days if I want something or need a job done, the first stop is Craigslist before I look anywhere else. Now the friend and the husband I wasn’t looking for explicitly, but each of them came into my life as a result of Craiglist’s posts and hell – I’m keeping them!

But really, it makes me think about how the Internet has changed the way I go about things. Need a financial management tool? Mint. Need a nutrition and fitness plan? Sparkpeople. Want to find out how my Mom is doing? Facebook. Bank balance? Online banking. Looking for facts about any subject? Wikipedia. And of course Craiglist is the ultimate second-hand shop, flea market and local networking venue. Trying to find anything else? Google.

Fifteen years ago, none of this existed you know, and no one in my hood had high-speed Internet either. But as I’ve grown into my adulthood, so has technology sped right alongside, and I find myself in a world altogether different from the one I was born into.

It just dawned on my Wednesday as I shook hands with a person I had never met (my beehive carpenter) – once again making a connection with someone completely facilitated by technology (and thank goodness because it turns out my carpentry skills were *not* up to the task of building that damned thing). And that despite my hardcore technology critique and skepticism of the corporations that run these sites, much bounty has come into my life because of the techno-expansion of the last decade. I mean, where would I be now if I hadn’t met my lovely Brian? Without the Internet would I have met my one true love or my appointed angel?

Perhaps yes because I would be out in the world more. But maybe not, because the truth is I’d rather stay home and read a great deal of the time (a hallmark of getting older I know) and without an easily facilitated outside world… well – I have no idea how much I’d bother interacting with it. It’s not like before the Internet Canada was some free and easy social culture with supportive urban community (unlike many intact communities I have seen internationally). But of course, it’s not possible to answer what the world would have been like without something – and my world so specifically relies on technology (I’m a web developer and manager after all) that it’s impossible to separate my adult life from it.

Mostly, life just feels a lot more convenient than it would otherwise – like we’ve got a giant bulletin board to pin notes to where thousands of people stop by and take a look every day. Even better than that, we can start the awkward conversations of living from behind our keyboards before we even have to meet face to face (I find it much easier to negotiate prices for services via the computer, rather than over the phone or in person for example). In the hyper-society in which we now live, it seems impossible that we should live without this convenience. For me personally – given the fact I really did meet my husband via Craigslist – I can’t even imagine my life without it.