Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
Unpacking myself.
I have ended things with Greg and it’s a horrible, heartbreaking feeling. In turns I am convinced that it is the right thing to do, and then aghast at what I have done and wondering why. I am not sure whether this decision was triggered by my underlying depression and upheaval in my life – or if it was something I needed to resolve before I could move on to other places. All I know is at the moment, it feels as though this sadness will never pass through me and I would rather die than work through it. It’s an extreme reaction – yes – and it makes me wonder about the causes running beneath it.
If I am to be honest with myself about my emotions (very difficult and something perhaps denied myself for a long time) – I can acknowledge that the things I want most in my life involve other people. For a long time I have been living as though I can be completely self-sufficient emotionally and physically – have left the family home a long time ago and moved away and away and away – have developed a layer of distrust towards friends and family on an emotional level. I have tried as hard as I can to insulate myself from the pain of wanting what it seems I can never have.
And what is it that I want? This is the part I have continually lied to myself about in the last few years – but now I can hear it so clearly that it can’t be denied. What I want more than anything else is to love and be loved in return – to be a part of a community of mutual aid and support. It seems to me that the happiest times in my life – despite many hardships – was living in the house at Kitchener Street – having roomates and people who stopped by and were a regular part of my daily life. Weekly dinners and playing music in the park and being a part of making change together no matter how impossible that task.
I know that to glorify one’s youth or the past is a mistake – but when I see the point of departure from that house – I recognize it now as based in deep fear and frustrations that Darren and I both shared. I recognize too that my further self-isolation on the Sunshine Coast was rooted in similar, if not extended fears, the fear of continuing hurt. And now I am here, alone with myself and I am lonely for community and inter-connectedness. I am not sustained by only the trees and the ocean – I long for human love and interaction. I no longer value self-containment as my highest goal. I want to love and be loved and it’s just that simple.
And it’s the tremendous losses of the past several months that have made me realize this. I have been fighting the grief by building up my image of one woman alone – but it is a false picture – for this is not what I really want. It seems easier though to fake it than to admit that I am not really listening to what I have always wanted and never felt I had. The question then is, how do I go forward and make the changes in order to meet these long denied needs?
I am in the sun on my porch and it feels very good to me, with the sound of water and the birds flitting around – it makes me sad to think about leaving this place, but I am not commited to making community here nor do I have the time. I feel urgently the need to move to a place I know I have community already – even though it means giving up what I thought was the most important thing to me – owning a house. These are big and difficult realizations – and a part of me is angry with myself for not coming to them sooner in life. I feel like I have to undo everything – but of course it is not that at all because all of these past decisions are pushing me forward into a new place – and life can’t be undone in any case.
And so back to the situation with Greg – although I have felt the need to push that relationship away from me to a degree – I also know he will continue to be a part of my life if we can both work out the hurts of this immediate situation – and I know we can. I don’t think we have been able to fully realize or hear each other despite the fact we are both good and open people. I don’t know why that is entirely – but on my part I suspect that because I have not been honest with myself about my own needs – I have also not been honest with him. And so he is surprised by the needs surfacing that I want him to fulfill – like being tricked by the image of me as I have been. I don’t want him to be trapped in that place, as much as I don’t want to go around with these painful, unmet needs. And so we must change our relations to each other before the hurts become irreversible. I don’t think they are at that point, no matter how much pain I am in right now.
I don’t want to deal with the choices and work over the coming months. It all seems too difficult at this moment. But I have to do something to manifest what I really want in my life or I will be forever stuck here, trapped by the notions of a good job, or a good house. This is not what life is about when we measure true fulfillment. If I think about what I want the most – it is a small place in Victoria, weekly dinners with friends, more time to play music, a safe community, and possibly a child in the not so distant future. I want to go home essentially – for the first time in twelve years. I want to go home and make it mine again.
5 Comments on “Unpacking myself.”
Leave a reply to Steph Cancel reply
Red Cedar 
Oh, this is all so hard, but you have everything you need. Now that you’ve decided, things will move. And the people who love you will be there when you come back. Whenever I’ve gone away and come back I’ve always been surprised that everyone’s really much nearer than I realized.
It worries me, wanting to love and be loved. Too much betrayal of late, and I think I’ve isolated myself for some of the same reasons, to insulate myself from the risk of further pain. Also trying to come to grips with how loving and being loved might look in the future. Maybe trying to convince myself that it won’t happen again, at least in the way I’d like it to, and that’s it’s OK. But it’s not, really, which I hadn’t copped to until I read your entry. Sigh.
(When’s the last time you read your To Live For list? It’s sort of all there, isn’t it?)
And there’s time yet. As long as we breathe, there’s time.
thanks for your comments steph – it’s good to know that i’m being heard out there! i managed to get myself out of the house for a swim in the ocean today and then went to visit david – both of which were very great activities for moving my current state of mind into a more positive place.
as far as the love thing goes – this self-denial i think is a very big problem that i have been having – but a couple of years ago i read bell hooks’ book communion: the female search for love – and it was the first time that i saw the righteous desire for love expressed by a feminist radical in a really positive way. i highly reccomend it and have just taken it off my shelf for a re-read to ground myself in thinking these things through further.
the problem for me is that i do love fiercely and tremendously and i give a lot to those who i love – but i’m afraid to ask for the same in kind. what i end up doing is truncating my own feelings to keep them minimized to a degree i can handle them – rather than looking for partners who can match my own intensity. i’m realizing how fucking unhealthy that is and if i keep doing that, there is no way i can even create the kind of social community i want let alone a romantic relationship.
fear, fear, fear – we are afraid of our own selves and that makes us afraid of others – how do we tackle that head on? i don’t know. i’ve got to work this out. and you’re right – of course there is time – always if we let it be.
I have absolutely nothing helpful or insightful to add because I am currently *mush* but I did want to say that I’m sorry to read of your struggles right now and I’m out here reading and sending good thoughts.
I’m also in awe of your maturity and ability to look at the big picture. I’ve always been someone who reacts, who lets things happen and then scarmbles to adjust, not one who tries to shape my life as you are doing now.
Best wishes.
Your awnser is right there – being afraid of yourself – to overcome that we must love ourselves! Love ourselves with abandon, totally, fully, without reservation. That is the
secrect you seem to be looking for. Only when we love ourselves can we find that peace in others – and if they can’t find that in themselves – it will never work out.
Instead of dreading these things, issues, personality quirks – revel in them!
You are as you are – a unique combination of you past present future. Worring will
help not. I have always wanted to embrace that which vexes us, instead of fearing.
Loving yourself so much that it will attract in kind. Faith and courage…That voice in your head is not you. Don’t let your mind overwhelm your spirit.
Love fiercly – expect nothing in return. Expectations are the trap. Give that of yourself
to others, freely, without agenda. Finding joy in that is the wellspring for my love.
As artists we need to express that truth. Maybe getting caught up in this home owning thing seems like a trap, but the story has not fully unfolded. I wonder if you have given the coast
a fair chance… But if Victoria is burning in your heart, make it happen! Instead of these
descisions being heavy burdens, they can be victories.
You feel sad about gregg, but is it not better to be open & honest about how you feel? Is it not a wieght being lifted? And a chance for the birth / change into something new, with or without gregg. Besides is it really ever “finished”, the memories and persons enegies live on in you. lIve it and love yourself.
peace J
That bell hooks book sounds fine. I’ll find a copy.
All this stuff about truncating your feelings rings true. I always get stuck in the really gendered bits of that, afraid to be or be seen as “needy”, afraid of rejection, and also of making a fool of myself. I was listening to a friend of mine talk about her relationship the other day — she’s not really a political creature, and over and over again what she did was try to “read” the guy across poor communication, and think about what she “should” or “shouldn’t” say. Every word was dissected. It was just accepted that everything was strategic and that genuine honesty was fatal.
When I think of all the times I’ve failed to say what I feel because one of the things I feel is that I don’t have any right to feel the way I do…somehow the core belief that feeds all that fucked up communication is “something is wrong with me”.
In some ways it seems that everything comes back to that.
You’ve been doing a lot of giving over the past while. I hope you’re thinking about what you need right now, from yourself and other people. We in Vancouver are of course prepared to provide whatever distractions, frivolities, etc. you might think helpful.