Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
Unlucky in love.
I’ve been thinking about my cousin Sarah over the past couple of days – my cousin of the same age who hung herself last October in the workshed behind her house. She hung herself, I think, because she was unlucky in love. And I wondered how can someone at the age of 32 believe that being dead is better than being single? How could a fight evolve to the place of no point?
I think that I had forgotten then, what it feels like to be rejected by someone who you really want to be with. When a small taste of what love you deserve is all you get. How the fear of being alone as the years tick upwards claws at the back of the throat, reminding you that this is it – this is really your life, and you are tired of being so damned independent, and so damned free. The headache that comes from packing it all down into manageble bundles so you can keep getting the coffee on in the morning to get you through one more day.
It’s intolerable really – all of it – when you feel unlucky in love one more time in your life – a time you hoped it would be different, or at least could keep the feelings at bay long enough to stop being scared.
So now I am 33 years old and not sure whether my anxiety is depression, or the nagging of the possible end of my most recent relationship. I think it is both. One year older than Sarah who swung from the rope after a fight that sent her reeling home to the workshed alone. It’s painful, yes, to give up another thing – but I wish I could have told her “hold on, hold on – just give it another hour, another day, another week – there is another chance around the corner.” It’s what I tell myself, even if I can hardly believe it.
3 Comments on “Unlucky in love.”
Leave a reply to APerson Cancel reply
Red Cedar 
Its incredible that in such a crowded world there could be lonely people. To love and be loved.. what a simple yet complex drive. There are plenty of opportunities to connect to others. Unfortunately, many are afraid of getting hurt.. and that concern is often understandable. The risk to love is great, but well worth it, imho.
It starts with friendship, grows with love, and ends with tears… 😦
After having heartbreaks more than one time, afraid to fall in love again….. 😦
it’s soooo painful 😦
Know that feeling all to well. When the woman I’ved tried to love judge me from the outside and not my heart. Or the ones I;ve just wanted to dance with who look at my shoes and say No thanks. I feel her pain every single day I’m alive. I too ask myself is life worth all this pain. For every year I live my heart dims more. I think every person deserves love then why do most go there whole life and never find it. We feel like half a battery and need the other half to start our car of life and with out it that cars sits ideal going nowhere and waisting away from non use. Not every one knows joy and happiness but we ALL know pain its the comon denominator of life. The oe thing that binds us all
Most of use have no control over what happens to us all we can control is how we decide to handle life.
Deal with the pain don’t denigh it and look for the little droplets of joy!!!!!!
Maybe it will be be a long drought but sooner or later it rains.
Art Baur