Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
suffering beings
i returned from victoria last night, got off the bus downtown and encountered one of the most distressed people i have come across in a long long time. he told me a story about coming to vancouver a few days before and being rolled after his first night at a bar. he was just a young guy, pretty beaten up and his foot was all bloody – his vibe was deeply upsetting to me because he just seemed so in need….
so i gave him some money from my wallet, quite a lot more than i normally give people, because all i had was one bill on me…. and he started to cry when i gave him the money and that made me feel worse because he was so upset – so i walked with him for a couple of blocks and made sure he was okay before i went to take my next bus home….
and then when i was waiting for the bus, i was angry with myself because a little voice in my head was saying – “maybe he tricked you, maybe he was just a really good actor” and so i started feeling worse about it because i had no reason to doubt this man’s story except that i live in a society that tells me not to trust anyone – especially not working and poor people. and so all the way home i was conflicted about it until i talked to my lover later on who said “even if what he told you wasn’t true, clearly he was in need of money for something, so it’s okay” and honestly, it was okay because it’s true that he (his name is robert) was extremely distressed for whatever reason.
when i got home, there was a message from an old friend of mine needing help with a letter of character reference from me in a child-custody case. and so i met him for coffee today and again, i encountered severe distress in a fellow human. i said i would write the letter and if the case goes to mediation instead of court, would act as his advocate if necessary. we hung out for most of the afternoon which was good – since i haven’t seen him for awhile and we had lots of catching up to do beyond the stress he is currently under.
i started a flour, dairy and sugar cleanse today that i expect to be on for the next month or so, no matter how difficult. i am feeling the need to purge my body of yuck while purging my home of posessions i am no longer in need of. my lover caught me a spring salmon (that’s a chinook) on the weekend, and so i plan to eat lots of brown rice, fish and greens over the next little while as it’s supposed to be very balancing food.
i haven’t quite readjusted to eating fish – i’m not sure i will be able to keep it up beyond the summer, but while i’m cleansing from all the other processed foods i’ve been pouring into my body, i’m going to try it and see whether it nourishes me in the necessary way.
back at work tomorrow which will at the very least bring respite from the heat.
a coupla links
i have a couple things to share here:
one is the fact that i have finally joined the ranks of ebay sellers…. how weird. but i have all this stuff to get rid of so i thought that it would be worth a shot to see how it goes. nothing real exciting – just some silver jewelery and stuff that i have had and not worn for ages. check it out at my ebay listing page.
and also – my friend e-hawk came over the other day and laid some tracks on me that she’s been working on. there’s a tune of hers on there i really dig called fuck up the machine, which you can download from this link. if you dig it too, leave a comment and i will pass it on to her.
strange places
sorting and packing is like finding oneself over and over again. today i found some notes i jotted down a few months ago – and then shoved in a drawer…… i’m putting it here for safe keeping…
we find ourselves in strange places; driving down backroads to meet lovers, in the motels of small towns, in prisons talking to the men we knew as boys in highschool, in national parks during hunting season keeping our heads low.
we find ourselves in strange places because we are looking for ourselves, and that process explored honestly takes us to niches that most people never go.
i used to believe that because i am not well-travelled in the international sense that somehow indicated me to be not interesting – that the localities one visited rubbed off and made one become “interesting”, and that staying around one area would certainly dull anything internally exotic
i find myself on stages before hundreds of people; in native sovereignty camps; in front of police lines; in the company of comrades. i find myself in the deep dark forest, on picket lines, and in meetings of fellow travellers wondering how….?
few people have a life so interesting, beyond the facade of everyday. few people have been tested so incessantly in belief, in action and in philosophy. few people have ever questioned their strange places they call home. my strange places are not half-way round the world, they are often just up the alleyway from my apartment building, or across the bridge and in the mountains.
that place that is home is where we are reflected by the people around us, by our actions and deeds. home is a place we travel to every day challenging our notion of who we are, and who we ought to be.
our strange places, though sometimes far away, are part of what home means. our strange places are our journeys back to defining the self.
new project
i started hand stitching a 4000-stitch rug about 4 weeks ago. last week i finished the fist major stage of it which was the knotwork outline (this comes to approximately 2 inches from the outside border). i am including some pictures here of that stage since i am now filling the knotwork in which is taking forever….. the finished product though will be very beautiful as the inner design is quite striking. in real size, this is 3.25 x 4.5 feet and i am stitching it on 6 point rug canvas in acrylic yarn.
i’ll keep posting pictures as i get to different project stages. i expect this to take until the fall to complete (if i don’t get sick of stitching before then). these pics are not very good as i took them in a dark room without a flash – but you get the idea.
ocean falls
i was reminded of and googled one of my exes today hoping i could find an email address for him. of course, it is unlikely he has anything remotely approaching decent internet connectivity since he lives up in ocean falls, the rainiest place in north america – a town officially shut down in the late sixties by the government – but inhabited year round by about 100 folks who keep the few basic town functions alive.
anyhow – i found no email address for gerald – but i did find this poem by him which i thought i would post here for safe-keeping. strangely enough i was cleaning out some of my posessions the other day in the moving process and came across another poem by him that i liked quite much and was going to type out and post here – but haven’t gotten around to it…..
Ocean Falls
Between Baldy’s peak and Roscoe’s Creek
Lies the town of Ocean Falls,
Where the rain it reigns and the ocean gains
Inside these mountain walls.
It’s a different breed that these mountains heed
With its’ beauty and its’ brawn
And some return to fill the yearn
Like a salmon to its’ spawn.
We’re a rugged lot that haven’t forgot
Life’s lessons to be learned,
Cause they took this town, and tore it down,
The past they tried to burn.
And twice they tried but we survived
Cause dammit, this is home,
And there ain’t no place on this planets’ face
That I’d rather stay and roam.
For the ones that strayed and the ones that stayed;
All children of the rain,
This drinks for you, and it’ll have to do
— Until we meet again
By Gerald Hogrefe
Red Cedar 