Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
balancing?
i am having a really difficult time motivating myself at work this week – i just really don’t feel bothered to get on any of the tasks i have on my to do list. this is fine, in that no one notices, but it drags on me – making every little thing feel like a giant chore.
i have some new ideas of projects i want to make for my house – i think is part of the problem – i would rather be doing something interesting to me than working here at my computer which has no real reward-value to it.
i keep forgetting to post pictures of the rug i am working on, i have gotten the outlines of the birds done and am now working on the fill colours. i think that it should be done by christmas which will make it a six-month project all together. i need to stretch the canvas after i finish the stitching because it has gotten a little warped in shape, probably from some poor technique on my part. after i finish this, my plan is to start on a couple of large sitting pillows for the floor – stitched on a large-point canvas in wool. i have a book of beautiful designs from india i am thinking would make very luxurious work – in rich dark colours. in any case, i mailordered 2 yards of 7 point canvas today on the internet as it is impossible to find in most fabric or craft stores (small gauge canvas is easy to get, but the rug canvas is not).
on my way to work this morning, i was looking down from the bus into the interior of this brand-new bmw and the man driving the car was talking on his cel phone – showing all his big bleached teeth while some built-in computer screen flickered in the dash. i am not sure what it was about all of that combination – but my desire to get off the bus and smash that car to little tiny pieces was overwhelming. all these cogs in the machine we are, purchasing merrily until the crash…. perhaps i am angry that the man seems so blind to how he contributes to that, perhaps i am angry at my own cog-like behaviour whirring steadily to work in the city day after day.
who knows- what i do know is that i would very much like to be done with the city entirely but that isn’t a possibility – so in the meantime all i can do is enjoy things as they unfold, take pleasure in the fact i have a good place to live where the air is not totally polluted, and that i am currently inspired to create beautiful and useful things to adorn my life. perhaps it is healthy that i have both an urge to destroy and create simultaneously – a balanced approach for a change?
part of a letter to a friend in prison
they are blasting mountains to build more highway
and every time i enter the city i get sick
the toxic perfumes of others invade cranial pores
filling them with red dye number fourteen
(the colour used to tint ketchup potato chips
which also give me headaches)
i wish i never had to enter this city
yesterday a child no more than eight sat wrapped
in a blanket on the steps of the First United
on Hastings
and
one block down three teenagers rocked back and forth,
crouched in a doorway
smoking crack
the tao te ching teaches us detachment
to minimize suffering
but each day, on a bus towards the metropolis
pulled from my forest eden
i am sure this way is not found easily.
northern lights
i saw the tail end of the northern lights display this morning on my drive to the ferry – an incredibly rare occurence this far south (i have never seen the northern lights on the south coast in my whole life, though i have seen them in the central interior). pale green, flickering light shadows across the northern sky above the howe sound – i was shocked to see them, wanted to put the brakes on and just sit in my car and watch, though was hampered by the fact i was on the main highway descending towards the ferry terminal.
they continue to sing in my heart, even here in this sterile office, playing alongside the striking sunrise of this morning (mauve and magenta above snow-capped mountains), and the mist shrouded forest of stanley park (from the upper levels highway, the low fog could be seen wrapped around the forested tip of the peninsula on which vancouver sits). these are the landscapes of my journey changing daily, making the world new with every passing hour.
these visions are inspiring and although they do not belong to me alone, my perception of them is highly personal. while taking mass transit, i notice how each person relates to their environment differently (and often not at all) – as it seems as though so many people are jaded by the beauty of our coast, never looking up from their newspapers, or turning their heads towards the window to see. when the lunar eclipse took place las month, i overheard conversations among fellow riders declaring the hassle it was because their children were continually pulling them outside to look at it – and they couldn’t watch their television shows in peace.
it is mornings like this i realize where my desire as a social and ecological activist arises from – and that at my core i am not crazy to want to save what is left of this planet’s riches and magic. how privileged we have been here on the west coast to have been raised so close to nature – even as we soldier into the cities – and how endangered the land of our birth is now with the encroaching olympics and the development boom that will surely follow. there is no answer short of economic collapse that will stop this engine of industry – the question is how and when – and will it be too late when it comes?
just an update
i have been neglectful of people in my life lately and so i apologize if you are waiting for an email response from me and have not gotten one yet – i have a list of people who i have responses composed to half in my head and you will be hearing from me shortly.
although my mood has been relatively good lately, i have felt stuck in an inability to communicate with the world – very inward focused and project-oriented – not to mention the fact i am immersed in schoolwork. i sense this is changing and in the coming days the block i seem to be plagued with will come apart, allowing for more reflections to come forth in this space – but until then i will focus on clearing the backlog of responses i owe people and post some pictures of projects i am working on as they come to fruition.
Red Cedar 