Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
work is simple
i arrived home yesterday much later than i intended owing to a quick stop back at the family home to clear up some weirdness that had arisen. i can be such a jerk sometimes.
the trip was long as i had a two sailing wait on the victoria side and then that ferry was half an hour late. i did not think i was going to make the 7:25 from langdale – but i made it to the terminal at 7:15 and so was home before 9.
when i arrived home there were two gifts waiting for me from my friend fraser (who house-sat while i was away) – a ton of split cordwood and kindling stacked up in my living room for use over the next few days, and a small hatchet for using inside the house…. much needed!
after a week of working overtime and draining myself physically, and then two weeks of emotional hammering – i am glad to be having a normal working day (though things have really piled up). work all of a sudden seems so simple and almost calming when compared to the life and death out in the world……
friends and photoblogging
i’m afraid with this new camera i might become strictly a photo-blogger – which could be preferable to the long introspective postings populating this space of late.
today i went to visit friends in victoria – people i have known for many many years – drank some wine and had intense conversation – it was amazingly good for my inner critter and i’ve decided to stay an extra day here on the island to go watch music and drink beers tomorrow night.
just when i think my life is confused as all hell, i find out that other people are struggling with the big questions too. there is solace in sharing memories and doubts – i’m super lucky to have these women in my life still after all of these years. (anna center, kyla left – me… well you know me :))
miranda is my oldest friend – though we don’t see each other much these days (like, haven’t seen each other in years) – we have known each other since i was six and she was five and her trailer moved into a lot two doors down from my parent’s house. she is a mother to four children now and also not a bad accordian player.
it was a good day in all – i’m glad i’ve given myself one more day before heading home – i am glad to be in the company of old friends……
change of scene
i think it is time for a change of scenery….
my one gift this year for christmas was a new camera which i am very pleased with. i finally have a digital camera with a zoom lens and the ability to manually adjust settings. i went for a walk today and took some pictures to test it out.
it was a grey day and i am a little bleak still which was reflected in all the photos i took.
believing, doing, being
this much i know at the moment – i am not the same person as i was a week ago – but that doesn’t mean i know exactly what has changed except things are going in different. i write now from my laptop, sitting in my car on the ferry to the big island listening to philip glass and wishing i was heading out on a solo road trip of some sort rather than going to visit my family for the holidays.
i am feeling obstinate today – days of tears, lack of sleep and too much alcohol at the wake leaving me in a numb state unable to figure out the next step where to?
coming into the city yesterday cast a different light on community and i wondered about whether i really do belong there – or in the country where i am living now. i have decided this morning not to argue with myself either way but to live out the year i have rented my house for and then ask my heart again what it wants. i think i could live in the city if i could convince myself it is possible to be healthy there – which in the last two years i have increasingly doubted to the breaking point of leaving.
i am unapologetic in this lack of certainty – am wondering what following my heart really means not just for me but for those around me. i feel the need to make some sort of a physical journey soon – i think a road trip to visit those who i feel lost to, who feel lost to me – something to confirm my internal wanderings in real space.
these days i feel splitting apart at the seams, so full of everything my 31 years has been and somehow condensing ever more into this being – and although i know i need to find the essence, i am easily distracted by all the things i could do instead. like the raccoon who dies because he won’t let go of the shiny silver set in the trap – we become conflicted between our desires and in the end forfeit our very lives. this is what i fear in myself….. this struggle for naught.
i honestly believe that every day is a chance to be new again, to fill in the blanks and move forward – but while that is easy to say, it is not always so easy to see. and change is never easy to make lasting so imprinted we are with all the previous moments in our lives, so sure our freedom to change is hampered by our childhoods as a fait d’accompli. however, it is only in believing that we can be doing – otherwise why would we get out of bed each day? it can’t all be biological drives and habit….. (or can it?)
on the move
i’ve decided to leave the coast early today and spend a day in the city rather than allowing myself to wallow in solitary mourning any longer. i have spent the morning so far laying out the dozens of remembrances that have been posted at bob’s memorial site – and i will find a printer in the city to have those ready for the wake. reading the beautiful words of others has been simultaneously heartening and heart-wrenching but in all i am glad we provided that sharing space for people to gather their thoughts.
so i will be in vancouver tonight, going to vancouver island tomorrow afternoon and then in saanich and victoria until monday. anyone needing to reach me during this time can ring my cel as i will have that on me throughout. i am taking the laptop with me also so i’m hoping to keep up this journal in my absence.
take care in this most trying of seasons.
Red Cedar 