Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
weird day
i worked until 11 o clock this morning when our entire building was evacuated due to a “suspicious package incident”. not only 2 firetrucks, but a hazmat truck and 3 ambulances attended (not to mention numerous police).
in the end the white powder in the envelope turned out to be shredded paper. that was after they had sent us all home for the day…. oddness all around – i have pasted the cknw blurb about it below….
i think people are just a little too freaky these days myself….
Hazmat clears 19-storey tower in Vancouver
Feb, 15 2005 – 3:00 PMVANCOUVER/CKNW(AM980)
very grounded, very good
feeling very in touch with myself right at this moment – very grounded, very good. listening to the cracow klezmer band on the stereo – a birthday gift from giles. incredible violins in the eastern european style reaches right down inside me and pulls taut the band around my heart – i suppose the right feelings for valentine’s day – a heart-rapture of sorts.
the sun was out over the ice-crystaled coast today, and between that an my good mood, i was incredibly productive. dropped my mother off at the ferry this morning, got my final paper for one of my classes finished, got some errands run, did laundry, and cleaned house.
i’m starting to pull things together for my holiday, looking forward to getting on the plane and just going with the haphazard trip emerging – two weeks of seeing where i will end up each day. it has been a long time since i have gone in this direction – anticipating enjoying the time with myself and others….
gifts of history
this is a photograph of my great-grandma from my dad’s maternal side – ida olson (yes, she’s the one with the gun).
my mother has come for a visit this weekend and as part of my birthday gift she presented me with a slim photo album containing shots of ida’s life around 1901 in minnesota. it seems, that as a young and well-educated woman, ida ended up a teacher in a residential school (the type of live-in school where stolen indian children were sent away from their families to be stripped of their heritage and culture). this small set of quite beautiful photos contains a number of pictures of first nations people (as well as photos of ida’s house and friends) taken in that same time period. she has captioned them all in a tidy script, so we might now see something of that time and possibly understand some small shred.
what to make of this legacy? some of my family have only been on this continent for one generation, and some for several – and i have long been aware of the ways in which i have benefited from the legacy of genocide and colonialism directed against the first nations people of north america. this volume is the first indication of a family link to direct complicity in the re-education of native peoples – and for that i have a woe in recognizing that any white people who were present during those times not only had a benefit, but a direct impact on the lives of those so wholly subjugated by the ever-expanding powers.
this gift is a reminder of a cruel legacy – and for that i am glad to receive it. click *more* to see a few more photos.
word up!
god dammit i like this writing exercise – i forgot how much i like it… it’s not like i turn out anything really amazing, but it’s interesting to see what comes out in that non-thinking/subconscious minute.
word of the day today: abstract
wow – fractal brain first thing in the morning and this is the word abstracting from the keyboard, outside this realm, wishing i was somewhere else not here now – art works spiral, working through the bloodstream, getting into everything, not sitting straightup, this goes sideways now.
yesterday: smudge
like an ink stain across the cheek, smudged like a dark blush across a page, gone black like a dark december moon, new across the sky ink smudge black pot give a night shot to the stain on the cheek, like a puddle of light.
wednesday: wire
wiry, arm, vein – got this on the street. get going he says – get that wire, up the spine, into the mind curling around the calves and holding you down, heroin low, into the vein, wire up the spine and into the pavement below.
an inquiry process
what is it about anyway? is it about finding true love or job satisfaction or doing good for the world or becoming famous? i mean – what is the point of all this? is it honestly just to enjoy each day for what it is? is it to meditate and reflect on? or is it to live and act on?
can we change our fundamental natures? is it possible to be anyone other than who we were programmed to be? can we honestly unsocialize ourselves from industrial society if we were raised in it? what about abuse? what about trauma? can we ever really undo the effects of those? who designed this mess in the first place? is there any way to stop the fuckers from destroying our planet, from destroying us?
what does it mean when we start to look? what does it mean when we stop? do we ever stop? do some people ever start? how can we live in a nation where day after day people enter soul-sucking relationships with other people, with jobs, with consumable items – and yet never seem to recognize the nature of them? what does it mean that we toss lives into landfills like refuse? what other society behaves like ours?
am i as damaged as everyone else? is everyone else as damaged as me? is there any such thing as being whole? does therapy just promote a culture of narcissism? once you start analyzing yourself is there any way to stop? is this any way to get free?
is the collapse upon us, and if it was would that be a good thing? do we care anymore if it doesn’t come with a spectacle? are we resilient enough to survive? what will happen when the lights go out? would we decide to put them back on if we could? is there any way to stop someone from having all the power? can we unlearn capitalism?
am i walking on the right path? going in the right direction? who am i supposed to be? what makes me unique? what makes me special? is my life relevant? if i don’t have children does that make me less of a person? if i do have children am i not just contributing to the already over-consuming population? will i ever have a partner again? am i doing the right thing? do i sound like a lunatic when i speak? is there any way to get out? am i good?
do you wonder about these things too?
Red Cedar 