Red Cedar

one thing i didn’t mention last weekend was the incredible view from my hotel room at convention – english bay to the left, the north shore mountains to the right – took a few shots though nothing spectacular – here is one of them

i’ve been so regular at writing here lately that two days without an update seems like an eternity and where do i start writing from is the question when i return. i have had lots of ideas for very specific blog-posts in my head lately, but not much time to sit down and write more than “update” posts about my life. by now you all know the drill – i have bought a house, i am packing, i find moving traumatic, and have only a week and a half to get everything done.

i am, in between, actually having a social life, and reading an excellent book and listening to all sorts of good music, and eating well – but overall not getting enough sleep, and my studies have dropped off to zero, so i need to balance a bit better because yesterday i was psychotically exhausted to the point where i almost fell asleep upright at my desk at work. i got a good 8 hours last night though and today i’m feeling pretty damned fine (and i’m wearing sandals in anticipation of this afternoon’s warmer weather – yee haw!). if i can just get through the overwhelmed feeling of having half my life in boxes and the other half strewn about on the floor – then i can access a *lot* of excitement for my new home (*my* new home ) – and the plans i have for it.

i had dinner last night with my now-not-lover (don’t want to say ex-lover because that somehow implies out of my life, which he will likely not be since we have ample reason to remain friends and union allies) – which was very good. he was in town to do a hearing for a member and then stuck around until i was done work so we could actually talk in person about what has been happening. rather than feeling sad about it, i was particularly taken by how grateful i felt by the time i caught my ferry home – grateful to have known this person so initimately and to have the ability to continue our friendship despite ending the sexual aspect of our realtionship. grateful also at how much he has been there for me during some really trying moments of my life. we ate down in horseshoe bay, in the big picture window of a little pub with a perfect view across to the mountains towering over howe sound as the sun disappeared across the sea. and there it was all laid out – my good fortune to live in such a place as i do, to have intimate friends, to enjoy simple but excellent food….

finally, i can hear that voice above the others at times – over the past two months it has begun to cut through the self-doubting and fearful voices, and although they are still there, the grateful voice is now always a part of the mix, and more frequently the loudest. i am currently reading the noonday demon: an atlas of depression by andrew solomon – which is an excellent compendium on depression from all angles and has given me lots of pause for thought on this illness which has so impacted my life. i have a lot more to say on that subject and the book at some point in the near future, as i continue to face my own fears about descending again, as well as my hopes about what i am constructing in my life to address it ongoing.

but as much as i would like to get into that right now – work is frantic at the moment and pulling at my sleeve — so any more thought out posts will have to wait until this project i am almost-completed abates.