Red Cedar

photo of the backside of the lions taken at sunrise from the ferry in january of this year

in the last six weeks i have become increasingly accepted as a sunshine coast commuter by the other folks who make the daily trek across the water in search of higher wages and more meaningful work… although i have been doing the trip for almost 8 months, i seem to have recently passed through some unofficial probationary period during which people mostly just looked at me sideways and occasionally smiled. now that i have weathered out the winter, and am buying a house – thus staying for at least some period of time – those occasionally smiling people now talk to me! every day! they ask me how i am doing and inquire about the status of my move, we talk about politics and the weather and their kids and the goings on of our community.

i think the secret is, once a single person starts conversing with you regularly, other people feel more able to do that too – and in turn, i feel more bold in striking up conversations with people i have never spoken to before but see all the time. if all other conversation fails, you can always get by in complaining about bc ferries – it’s like being suddenly admitted into a secret circle where the other participants are easily recognized, and share at least one daily life function in common.

when i first started commuting, i didn’t think i wanted to get to know the other commuters that much – not because i am unfriendly, but because i tend to use my ferry time to read and do school or union work. all that transit takes up such a large portion of my day, i want to make it useful rather than socializing with it. i think that factor tends to be recognized for the most part by other people though, and i have noticed that people tend to leave you alone if you are engrossed in work – and i have come to enjoy the end of the day chit-chat on the days when i am too burnt-out to stare at a computer screen any longer and crave for contact with humans rather than machines.

i am now in the rhythm of a life i suspect will be mine for a few years to come – and as much as it seems daunting, i also know that it isn’t nearly the big deal i once thought it was. not only am i able to work and read during the time i spend traveling, the sunrises and sunsets on the sound and the straight are frequently jaw-dropping, and now that summer is almost here – the idea of escaping the hot city at the end of the working day has infinte appeal.

at this juncture, the thing that bothers me most of all about commuting, is the people i encounter who say (over and over and over) “doesn’t it bother you? i could never do that”, as if there is some deficiency in me that i have chosen a long commute in order to afford the lifestyle i want (clean air, the ability to buy a home, being close to the backcountry). i often feel i am having to justify why i have chosen to live this way to people who i barely even know. fortunately the people closest to me get it…. and at least i’m not asking myself “why?” (okay, there have been a few of my tiredest days when i wonder – but it’s not anything approximating a regular occurence). it’s an interesting thing – this commuting and the people who do it are at least as odd as me….. who knew?

one thing i didn’t mention last weekend was the incredible view from my hotel room at convention – english bay to the left, the north shore mountains to the right – took a few shots though nothing spectacular – here is one of them

i’ve been so regular at writing here lately that two days without an update seems like an eternity and where do i start writing from is the question when i return. i have had lots of ideas for very specific blog-posts in my head lately, but not much time to sit down and write more than “update” posts about my life. by now you all know the drill – i have bought a house, i am packing, i find moving traumatic, and have only a week and a half to get everything done.

i am, in between, actually having a social life, and reading an excellent book and listening to all sorts of good music, and eating well – but overall not getting enough sleep, and my studies have dropped off to zero, so i need to balance a bit better because yesterday i was psychotically exhausted to the point where i almost fell asleep upright at my desk at work. i got a good 8 hours last night though and today i’m feeling pretty damned fine (and i’m wearing sandals in anticipation of this afternoon’s warmer weather – yee haw!). if i can just get through the overwhelmed feeling of having half my life in boxes and the other half strewn about on the floor – then i can access a *lot* of excitement for my new home (*my* new home ) – and the plans i have for it.

i had dinner last night with my now-not-lover (don’t want to say ex-lover because that somehow implies out of my life, which he will likely not be since we have ample reason to remain friends and union allies) – which was very good. he was in town to do a hearing for a member and then stuck around until i was done work so we could actually talk in person about what has been happening. rather than feeling sad about it, i was particularly taken by how grateful i felt by the time i caught my ferry home – grateful to have known this person so initimately and to have the ability to continue our friendship despite ending the sexual aspect of our realtionship. grateful also at how much he has been there for me during some really trying moments of my life. we ate down in horseshoe bay, in the big picture window of a little pub with a perfect view across to the mountains towering over howe sound as the sun disappeared across the sea. and there it was all laid out – my good fortune to live in such a place as i do, to have intimate friends, to enjoy simple but excellent food….

finally, i can hear that voice above the others at times – over the past two months it has begun to cut through the self-doubting and fearful voices, and although they are still there, the grateful voice is now always a part of the mix, and more frequently the loudest. i am currently reading the noonday demon: an atlas of depression by andrew solomon – which is an excellent compendium on depression from all angles and has given me lots of pause for thought on this illness which has so impacted my life. i have a lot more to say on that subject and the book at some point in the near future, as i continue to face my own fears about descending again, as well as my hopes about what i am constructing in my life to address it ongoing.

but as much as i would like to get into that right now – work is frantic at the moment and pulling at my sleeve — so any more thought out posts will have to wait until this project i am almost-completed abates.