Red Cedar

i’m officially looking again.

my once-a-year flirtation with internet dating has been launched again as of today and i’m predicting that in about two months i’ll be so sick of it i’ll hide my profile until next spring. i can predict this with some accuracy because every year about this time (between late spring and summer), i get the itch – the nagging feeling that possibly there might even be someone out there i could be with – and then i repost my profile to one or more dating sites – briefly enjoying some attention before realizing once again that i am a hopeless freak and there really is no match for me out there in the ether.

there is no particular reason for this either except that i am trying to keep myself from going back to the affair and it seems i should try dating in my neighbourhood for a change (that would be vancouver or the sunshine coast). i am not sure exactly if i am just looking for sex, or for sex *and* someone to talk to – my own desires are ambiguous at the moment – but there is definitely a pressing sensation at the base of my skull which is buzzing. maybe it’s the bio-clock. i am definitely more interested in sex than normal. i think i have to stop analyzing it (or think of it like shopping on amazon, it feels surprisingly like that these days – when you bring up a profile on salon, it shows you five other “profiles like this one” – sortof like the amazon book-buying experience. yes, that’s right, interchangeable people to page through on a slow work-day).

should be interesting. i’ll be sure to tell you all about it (though i’m surprised with myself for sharing this here in the firstplace).

when i first took this photo, i didn’t like it much – but showing it to megan the other night i realized that it is sortof a neat picture. this is a wildflower shot from my trip to the anza borrego desert earlier this year.

and that’s a funny thing – how we can look at an object or an image one time, hear a piece of music in a moment – and not enjoy it… but then twig to something special in it down the road – either because it becomes familiar or because we see something new the next time it comes before us. many times i have had that experience with people, having a certain first impression totally gutted by the transition of actually getting to know them…. and this makes me wonder about the person who i have seen the last couple times in victoria. my first impression wasn’t much, but of course that changed within short time…. and i have recognized in stages my brain’s refusal to let go of the misgivings i have about men who are interested in me generally. i have thought then, to put a halt to things before they go further, because it seems simpler than turning the object of my fear over and looking at it from a different perspective.

but, although there is a cautious me who warns against committing and also overthinking, there is a reckless me who wants all the energy, anxious or otherwise, that comes from new connections to old strangers…. and so, on it goes… and i wonder if he even wants to see me again? or if i him and why? i suppose that will become clear in short order…. and in the meantime, i have had little time to dwell on this (thankfully) in the past two weeks as i have been swamped-busy (but i am leaving for victoria tomorrow afternoon so it has become present once more in my thoughts). i definitely prefer being immersed in work to rattling around in my head all alone.

it really does seem a cruelty that i have got this far in the world (awesome friends, good job, my own house, a beater-car, a fairly stable psychological makeup) and yet still am beset with anxiety over questions of whether a guy likes me or not – what is up with that? i cringe just thinking about the girliness of it all – “who cares if i can command professional respect? i just want to know if i’m attractive.” yuck….. i’m hoping this is one i can blame on society because i would hate to think it is some inborn part of being human, this bewilderment about place and relationship.

*sigh*

besides all of that inner processing going on between meetings at work, i have decided to stay in vancouver sunday night rather than making the longshot home – so tonight i have to pack not only for the weekend but also for a day or two of working (i might not get home until tuesday depending on how things go). i am really looking forward to being home next weekend and having people come to visit me! (and for those of you who have not rsvp’d yet – please do!). should be an interesting couple of weekends coming up….