i am working on a new song for which i have posted the lyrics below, it’s still in rough form, but i am sufficiently happy with where it’s going to share here what i have written so far. the meter isn’t straight forward, so you really have to hear the melody to understand it as a song…. but that will have to wait for some time.
67, 68, 69….
glitter in the broken glass
that lines these alleyways
a story you weren’t meant to hear
among these many days
girls working the corner
of a long, dark avenue
as the night drifts on forever
ch:
but who has gone missing now
and who really cares
the cops that walk the beat have said
that girl, she ain’t gone anyhow
and,
how did the sun rise
above her empty bed
the light that pushed a star
out of the sky
it is a long stroll
between today and tomorrow
a strategy to stay alive,
a strategy for sorrow
and when rest comes
it’s in a flap of folded paper
because a kiss don’t last forever
ch.
bridge:
mona, elsie, jacqueline
ruby, ingrid, marilyn
cara, tammy, catherine
when are you coming home?
helen, brenda, angela
debra, dawn and georgina
sheryl, verna, teresa
when are you coming home?
if you hold on long enough
and dangle from your knotted thread
you might get freedom for a moment
or a place to lay your head
and i hope i get a chance
to hold your hand in mine again
for this won’t last forever
ch.
i’m officially looking again.
my once-a-year flirtation with internet dating has been launched again as of today and i’m predicting that in about two months i’ll be so sick of it i’ll hide my profile until next spring. i can predict this with some accuracy because every year about this time (between late spring and summer), i get the itch – the nagging feeling that possibly there might even be someone out there i could be with – and then i repost my profile to one or more dating sites – briefly enjoying some attention before realizing once again that i am a hopeless freak and there really is no match for me out there in the ether.
there is no particular reason for this either except that i am trying to keep myself from going back to the affair and it seems i should try dating in my neighbourhood for a change (that would be vancouver or the sunshine coast). i am not sure exactly if i am just looking for sex, or for sex *and* someone to talk to – my own desires are ambiguous at the moment – but there is definitely a pressing sensation at the base of my skull which is buzzing. maybe it’s the bio-clock. i am definitely more interested in sex than normal. i think i have to stop analyzing it (or think of it like shopping on amazon, it feels surprisingly like that these days – when you bring up a profile on salon, it shows you five other “profiles like this one” – sortof like the amazon book-buying experience. yes, that’s right, interchangeable people to page through on a slow work-day).
should be interesting. i’ll be sure to tell you all about it (though i’m surprised with myself for sharing this here in the firstplace).

when i first took this photo, i didn’t like it much – but showing it to megan the other night i realized that it is sortof a neat picture. this is a wildflower shot from my trip to the anza borrego desert earlier this year.
and that’s a funny thing – how we can look at an object or an image one time, hear a piece of music in a moment – and not enjoy it… but then twig to something special in it down the road – either because it becomes familiar or because we see something new the next time it comes before us. many times i have had that experience with people, having a certain first impression totally gutted by the transition of actually getting to know them…. and this makes me wonder about the person who i have seen the last couple times in victoria. my first impression wasn’t much, but of course that changed within short time…. and i have recognized in stages my brain’s refusal to let go of the misgivings i have about men who are interested in me generally. i have thought then, to put a halt to things before they go further, because it seems simpler than turning the object of my fear over and looking at it from a different perspective.
but, although there is a cautious me who warns against committing and also overthinking, there is a reckless me who wants all the energy, anxious or otherwise, that comes from new connections to old strangers…. and so, on it goes… and i wonder if he even wants to see me again? or if i him and why? i suppose that will become clear in short order…. and in the meantime, i have had little time to dwell on this (thankfully) in the past two weeks as i have been swamped-busy (but i am leaving for victoria tomorrow afternoon so it has become present once more in my thoughts). i definitely prefer being immersed in work to rattling around in my head all alone.
it really does seem a cruelty that i have got this far in the world (awesome friends, good job, my own house, a beater-car, a fairly stable psychological makeup) and yet still am beset with anxiety over questions of whether a guy likes me or not – what is up with that? i cringe just thinking about the girliness of it all – “who cares if i can command professional respect? i just want to know if i’m attractive.” yuck….. i’m hoping this is one i can blame on society because i would hate to think it is some inborn part of being human, this bewilderment about place and relationship.
*sigh*
besides all of that inner processing going on between meetings at work, i have decided to stay in vancouver sunday night rather than making the longshot home – so tonight i have to pack not only for the weekend but also for a day or two of working (i might not get home until tuesday depending on how things go). i am really looking forward to being home next weekend and having people come to visit me! (and for those of you who have not rsvp’d yet – please do!). should be an interesting couple of weekends coming up….
huh – it’s not everyday you get a phone call from csis (and that’s all i’m saying about that one – it’s not nearly as interesting as it sounds, but all will be revealed in good time).
for the past two days i have had visitors keep me up a little past my bedtime each night, which although leaving me a tad tired, i am not complaining about. my friend megan brought her friend andy to see some of the sunshine coast this week, and it was great to have my first official “guests” since moving into my place and actually getting all the boxes out of the spare bedroom. they made me dinner last night, which marks the first time i have come home from work to a ready-dinner in, well, i don’t know – years. wow. how nice (mashed potatoes and gravy and fried tofu and salad…. mmmm).
i can’t really find the right metaphor to express how densely-packed my life is at the moment…. between work, union, socializing, trying to book holidays, and working on my own personal goals like learning how to play the guitar…. the days just keep slipping by and i feel like i’m not getting nearly the output i need on each aspect, or the downtime i need to stay healthy. i’m not feeling bad at the moment, mildly tired is all, but i also know that too much working+funning is a recipe for burnout and i have grown accustomed to a certain amount of hermit-time that does wonders for my self-restoration. this is the part i have to find again, the alone-time part (even if that means getting up 1/2 hour early to do qi gong, or abstaining from weekend parties to get that body-time i need).
this past weekend was fairly good, mostly just stuck close to home, went to visit a friend on gambier and got a bunch more house chores finished up – but now i’m back in the thick of things and going to victoria this weekend to see family, go to a party, and visit a friend in prison before going home. i’m not even sure i will make it home sunday and may start begging for a place to crash in the city sunday-night instead if only because next week is looking deadly in terms of schedule and it might just be easier to stay in the city sunday and monday as well. dammit, at this rate i’m never going home (and i have already agreed to work overtime tomorrow, monday and wednesday if need be).
but really, this is temporary and i know it, just a confluence of projects and grievance-cases and events coming together at the same crossroad. july will not be nearly so busy, august should be okay (though am travelling for a union convention), but september is already booked from end to end. as long as i get enough weekends on the coast, i’ll be just fine. quiet time, body-time, reflection space – yes, that’s a little of what i need. maybe then i can make some posts of substance again.
a business planning meeting, a grievance hearing and a dentist appointment (filling) – how did i manage to arrange such a lineup for a single afternoon?
i am back in the office after three days off, and although i did manage to catch up on my sleep over the weekend, a visit last night from megan and a friend of hers kinda threw me off – i just wanted to stay up and drink beers…. bad me. and so, here i am, feeling pretty okay and just wanting to get through the next few hours until the hearing (once that is out of the way i can breathe a bit easier). the next couple of weeks is incredibly busy with stuff as usual (union meetings, work, going to victoria, maybe a flying folk rehearsal, and of course – my housewarming). i am trying to schedule 2 days of working from home over the next couple of weeks in order that i might actually have some unbroken time to work out a large project schedule. i just can’t seem to get it done in the office with all the phone calls and emails and union demands – i’m hoping that if i can hide myself away periodically i can make some headway on the information-schematic to get started with.
i’m a bit overwhelmed with working at the moment – not necessarily in a bad place with it – but realizing the amount of work i need to get completed this summer while also having holidays and doing the union biz – and feeling a little tension grow inside me as a result. i think if i can just get a couple major things accomplished this will feel a whole lot better. an afternoon coffee might help as well.